Category: relationships

Jerry is watching the end of an intense baseball game when his wife taps him on the shoulder and asks, ‘Honey, could you fix the front steps? They’re ready to collapse.’

He sighs and says, ‘After the game, Flo.’

Flo grinds her teeth. She nearly broke her neck climbing those stupid stairs and all he cares about is his stupid baseball game. ‘Well, could you fix the light in the hall? It’s been flickering for weeks.’

He sighs and says, ‘Darn it, Flo, I’m a sports fan, not an electrician. Call Joe Burkes to fix it.’

Flo counters: ‘Can you fix the fridge door, then? It won’t shut.’

Jerry turns to talk to her and misses the game-winning homer. He turns back to the screen and sees people celebrating and carrying on. He wants to swear. Instead he says, ‘You want me to fix the fridge? Who do I look like, the Maytag Repairman?’

She opens her mouth and he hushes her silent. ‘I need to cool down,’ he says. ‘I’m going out.’

Jerry goes to his favorite watering hole and drinks for about an hour. After a couple beers, he starts to feel guilty about treating Flo so poorly. He returns home and notices the front steps have been repaired. He walks into the hall and sees the hall light working perfectly. He opens the fridge to grab a beer. The fridge door has been fixed, too.

He finds his wife and says, ‘Honey, how’d you fix all this stuff?’

She smiles and says, ‘After you left, I sat outside and cried. This nice young man was passing by and asked what was wrong. I told him. He offered to fix everything for me. All I had to do in return was make love to him or bake him a cake.

Jerry nodded, appreciatively. ‘What kind of cake did you bake?’

Flo’s smile widened. ‘Who do I look like, Betty Crocker?’

what goes in dry and comes out wet and makes two people happy?
a teabag

An old woman went to visit her daughter and she found her naked, waiting for her husband. The mother asks the daughter: “What are you doing naked?”The daughter responds: “This is the dress of love.”When the mother returns home, she strips naked and waits for her husband.When her husband arrives, he asks her: “What are you doing naked, woman?”She responds: “This is the dress of love.”And he says to her: “Well, go iron it first.”

A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom.

He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her.

Afterward, as he hurried downstairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee.

“How’d you get down her so fast?” he asked. “We were just making love!”

“Oh my God,” his wife gasped, “That’s my mother up there! She came over early and had complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile.”

Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. “Mother, I can’t believe this happened. Why didn’t you say something?”

The mother-in-law huffed, “I haven’t spoken to that jerk for fifteen years, and I wasn’t about to start now!”

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, “Do
you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?”
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
“Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?”
The little boy nodded yes.
“So,” the coach continued, “when a strike is called, or you’re out at first,
you don’t argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?”
Again the little boy nodded.
“Good,” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain it to your mother.”

Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?

A. When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.

If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don’t stand in her way.

Sign seen on the back of a truck:

Driver carries no money, his wife has it!

This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage. Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night. Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like Prohibition is coming back. Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can’t make it through 20 minutes without either throwing up or using the bathroom.
After several hours of this, he is able to stop throwing up, but he is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes. He doesn’t want to cancel the date, because he’s afraid he won’t ever talk to her again. So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a 30 minute ride). They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the appetizers to use the bathroom. They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without interruption, but he has to go back again during the entrees. They decide to get dessert.

During dessert, our hero feels another rumbling, but doesn’t want to look like complete bathroom freak, so he holds it. After a few minutes, the rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of gas stored up. He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at the table (discreetly, of course). Unfortunately, this little bit of gas came with another little surprise. “Oh crap,” he thinks (and feels). Instead of running to the bathroom right away, our hero immediately leans on the arms of his chair to keep from sitting on this surprise.

He maintains this yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure out what to do before his tan pants (a) start to smell, or (b) start to show stains on the outside. He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant. Oh, by the way,he is walking like a cowboy. On the way to the train station, they pass the Gap. “Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was looking at last week?” he asks. “No problem, I’d like to look around too,” she replies.

They go into the Gap. Fortunately, at the Gap, men’s fashions are on the right, women’s fashions are on the left. They split up. Our hero grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis. After selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current outfit, he brings both items to the register. His eyes are on his date (still on the other side of the store) to make sure that she doesn’t see him buying the pants. He doesn’t even want the sweater, so he says through clenched teeth (just in case his date can read lips from 40 feet away) “Just the pants.” “What?” asks the Gap girl. “Just the pants!” (Eyes still trained on his date.) Gap girl: “Oh, OK.” He pays for the pants and walks over to his date, then they leave the store.

They board the train just before it leaves the station and find two seats in the middle of the car. Without sitting down, our hero excuses himself and walks to the bathroom in the back of the car. He gets to the bathroom as the train departs, and quickly rips off his pants and boxer shorts. He rolls them into a ball and throws them out the window. After cleaning himself off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls out… just the sweater.

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME______________________________________
DATE OF BIRTH_____________
HEIGHT____________ WEIGHT_____________ IQ__________
GPA_____________
SOCIAL SECURITY #____________________
DRIVERS LICENSE #________________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES_____________________________
HOME ADDRESS__________________________
CITY/STATE___________ ZIP_____
Do you have ONE male and ONE female parent?__________
If NO, explain_________________________________________
____________________________________________________
Number of years married________If less than your age,
Explain______________________________________________
____________________________________________________
Do you own a van?_____ A truck with oversized tires?_____
A waterbed?__________ A pickup with a mattress in the back?______
A condom?______ Pornography?_______ Do you have earring, nose ring,
or a belly button ring?________ A tattoo?___________
(IF YES TO THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES)

In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?
_____________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER, mean to you?
_____________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?
_____________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________

Church you attend______________________________________
How often you attend_______
When would be the best time to interview your father, mother, and
priest?_____________
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers
are confidential. (that means I won’t tell anyone EVER)
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be
__________________________________________________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my
__________________________________________________________

C: A woman’s place is in the
__________________________________________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is
__________________________________________________________

E: When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is
__________________________________________________________

NOTE: if answer E begins with T or A, discontinue. Leaving premises keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised.

What do you want to do IF you grow up

__________________________________________________________________________

What is the current going rate of a hotel room?_______________

Condoms come in A: 3 B: 6 C: 9 D: 12 E: ALL OFTHE ABOVE
(circleone)

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN HAND TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

_______________________________________
Signature (that means sign your name moron)

Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can’t, and it would cause you injury) If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases (you might watch your back).

Jim and I have been married for two years now and we have not yet had our first husband-wife argument.

If we have a difference of any kind, and I am right, Jim nods and accepts my opinion.
But what if he’s right?
That has not happened yet.

Dying Husband: Kethrine, please marry Peter after my death.
Wife: Why?
Husband: Because i want to take revenge from him.