Category: relationships

My wife asked me to buy organic vegetables from the market.

I went and looked around and couldn’t find any.

So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, “These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?”

The produce guy looked at me and said, “No, you’ll have to do that yourself.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown

The couple had been married for 30 years, and on their anniversary they decided to go back to the same hotel where they had spent their blissful wedding night.

Her husband was laying on the bed when she came out of the bathroom totally nude, just as she had 30 years before.

She stood seductively before him and asked, “Tell me, darling, what were you thinking 30 years ago when I came out of the bathroom like this?”

He replied, “I took one look at you and thought I’d like to screw your brains out and suck your boobs dry.”

“And what are you thinking now, baby?” she asked huskily.

He said, “I’m thinking I did a pretty good job of it!”

While my wife and I were shopping at a mall kiosk, a shapely young woman in a short, form-fitting dress strolled by. My eyes followed her.

Without looking up from the item she was examining, my wife asked, “Was it worth the trouble you’re in?”

Many many years ago when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father’s wife.

To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow’s grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father’s wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter’s son.

My wife is now my mother’s mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She’s my grandmother too.

If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!

once i went to my girlfriends house and she caught me in the bed with her wife……..opps de do……i told her she could join but she told me i was to bagged up….so she put me out of her house and i never came back

I ran into Jim at work yesterday. He had been out for a few days with the flu. I asked him how he was feeling.

“I’m better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience.” he replied.

“Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?” I asked in stunned disbelief.

“Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know that whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly saying ‘My husband is home! My husband is home!”

A guy comes home at 3 o’clock in the morning.

He has obviously had more than his share of booze.

His wife meets him at the front door, and the following conversation ensues:

“Where in the fuck have you been?”

“Hey, mama, I was just out having a good time!”

“Well, how much money did you spend?”

“Ninety dollars.”

“WHAT!? Ninety Dollars! You asshole, do you know how long ninety dollars would last me?”

“Hmmmm well….ya don’t drink…ya don’t smoke…ya got yer own pussy …. probably forever!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, “Okay,
Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?”
The mother says, “It’s my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings;
she’s putting on weight and is sick most mornings.”
The doctor gives Darla a good examination then turns to the mother and says,
“Well, I don’t know how to tell you this but your Darla is pregnant. About 4
months would be my guess.”
The mother says, “Pregnant?! She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone
with a man! Have you Darla?”
Darla says, “No mother! I’ve never even kissed a man!”
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five
minutes pass and finally the mother says, “Is there something wrong out there
doctor?”
The doctor replies, “No, not really, it’s just that the last time
anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came
over the hill. I’ll be damned if I’m going to miss it this time!”

Smaller or larger tuxedoA friend got married and I, being the best man, decided a humorous practical joke was in order. One of the duties of the best man is to make arrangements for the pick up and return of the groom’s tuxedo.After final fitting, rent an extra coat jacket that is either three or four sizes smaller or larger than the groom’s. Explain to the tux shop what you’re up to. Pick up the groom’s fitted coat, switch with the extra rented coat, and deliver to the groom only when it becomes time to actually get dressed.The friend of mine wore a 42 long, but the one I provided was a 38 short. Talk about some serious fun! Don’t reveal that you know anything as long as possible.

The old Jewish man was walking on the beach with his only grandson, when a
giant wave crashes on shore, sweeping the boy out to sea. The man looks up to
the heavens and says:
“Oh Lord, this is my only grandson. How can you take him away from me like
this? My son will not understand. My daughter-in-law will die from grief.”
Another wave comes by, and deposits the boy at the old man’s feet.
The grandfather looks to the heavens again and says, “He had a hat!”

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. When a cell phone on a bench rings, a man engages the handsfree speaker-function and begins to talk.

MAN: “Hello.”

WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

MAN: “Yes.”

WOMAN: “I am at the mall and found a beautiful leather coat. Its only $1,000. Can I buy it?”

MAN: “OK, go ahead if you like it that much.”

WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked.”

MAN: “How much?”

WOMAN: “$60,000”

MAN: “For that price I want it with all the options.”

WOMAN: “Great! One more thing….the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They’re only asking $750,000.”

MAN: “Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just offer $740,000.”

WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you!”

MAN: “Bye, I love you, too.”

The man hangs up. The other men are looking at him in astonishment. Then he asks: “Anyone know who this phone belongs to?”

An italian family was sitting at the dinner table when the father asks his
oldest son tony! “why are you such a fat f***?”
the son replies: “pops, it’s mom’s pasta! i can’t stop eating it.” the father
says: “you should take smaller bites! it will make you trim.”
then the father asks the second son: “anthony! why are you such a fat f***?”
the son replies: “pops, it’s mom’s pizza! i can’t stop eating it it’s so
good!”
papa says: “you should also take smaller bites. ask your other brother angelo
how he stays trim.”
angelo replies: “it’s easy! i eat lots of pussy.”
to which the father replies: “pussy? pussy tastes like s***!”
to which angelo replies: “you pops! you should take smaller bites!”