Category: relationships

1. I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hands.

2. Can I borrow a quarter? [“What for?”] I want to call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams. OR: I want to call your mother and thank her.

3. Is your daddy a thief? [“No. “] Then how did he steal the sparkle of the stars and put it in your eyes? [Be ready with a snappy answer in case they say “yes.”]

4. You’re so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear.

5. Would you be my love buffet? So I can lay you out on the table and take what I want?

6. Let’s go to my place and do the things I’ll tell everyone we did anyway.

7. The word of the day is “legs.” Let’s go back to my place and spread the word.

8. Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?

9. That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning.

10. My name’s [your name]. That’s so you know what to scream.

11. My name’s [your name], but you can call me “lover.”

12. Nice shoes. Wanna sleep together?

13. Can I flirt with you?

14. Your daddy must have been a baker, ’cause you’ve got a nice set of buns.

15. [Look at his/her shirt label. When they say, “What are you doing?”:] Checking to see if you were made in heaven. OR: Checking to see if you’re the right size.

16. All those curves, and me with no brakes.

17. If I told you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

18. Screw me if I’m wrong, but don’t you want to kiss me?

19. I like every muscle in your body, especially mine.

20. [Grab his/her tush. ] Pardon me, is this seat taken?

21. Is it hot in here or is it just you?

22. Can I have directions? [“To where?”] To your heart. [Cheese alert!]

23. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together.

24. How about you sit on my lap and we’ll see what pops up?

25. Do you know what’d look good on you? Me.

26. I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?

27. So. . . How am I doin’?

28. How about you and I go back to my place and get out of these wet clothes?

29. [Tap your thigh] You just think this is my leg.

30. Say, that’s a nice [dress/outfit/article of clothing]. Can I talk you out of it?

31. I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?

32. I hope you know CPR, ’cause you take my breath away.

33. Excuse me, is that semen in your hair?

34. My face is leaving in fifteen minutes. Be on it.

1) Never eat at a place called Mom’s
2) Never play cards with a man named ‘Doc’
3) Never get in bed with a girl that has more problems than you have.

First Affair

There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful
teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the
son that they always wanted.

After months of trying, the Wife became pregnant and sure
enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The
joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took
one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever
seen.

He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be
the father of that child. “Look at the two beautiful daughters
I fathered.” Then he gave her a stern look and asked, “Have you
been fooling around on me?”

The wife just smiled sweetly and said…..”Not this time.”
*****************************************************************

Second Affair

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to
examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried
or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was
about to be cremanted, he discovered the longest private part he
had ever seen!

“I’m sorry Mr. Schwartz,” said the mortician, “But I can’t send
you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part
like this. It has to be saved for posterity.” And with that,
the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man’s member.

The coroner stuffed his prize into his briefcase and took it
home. The first person he showed was his wife. “I have
something to show you that you won’t beleive.” he said, and
opened his briefcase.

“Oh my God!” she screamed…..”Schwartz is dead!”
*****************************************************************

Third Affair

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and
asks for a bear.

“Certainly sir, that’ll be one cent.”

“ONE CENT!” exclaimed the guy.

Teh barman replied “Yes.”

So the guy glances over at the menu and he asks, “Could I have a
nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?”

“Certainly sir” replies the bartender, but all that comes to
real money.”

“How much money?” inquires the guy.

“4 cents”, he replies.

“FOUR cents!” exclaims the guy. Where’s the guy who owns this
place?”

The barman replies, “Upstairs with my wife.”

The guy says, “What’s he doing with your wife?”

The bartender replies, “Same as I’m doing to his business.”

This woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what?”

“What dear,” she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

“I think you’re bad luck…..”

After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

“How about some perfume?” he asked the cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a bottle costing $50.

“That’s a bit much,” said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.
“Thats still quite a bit,” Tom groused.
Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.
Tom grew agitated, “What I mean,” he said, “is I’d like to see something real cheap.”

So the clerk handed him a mirror!

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I’m pretty sure I’ll lose my mind.
I pray I find a little quiet
Far from the daily family riot
May I lie back–not have to think
about what they’re stuffing down the sink,
or who they’re with, or where they’re at
and what they’re doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)
To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish–dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)
And that I need not cook or clean–
(well heck, I’ve got the right to dream)
Yes now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know–
I must have lost them long ago!

The lawyer cabled his client overseas: ‘Your mother-in-law passed away in her sleep. Shall we order burial, embalming or cremation?’Back came the reply, ‘Take no chances – order all three.’

A man is walking down a beach during sunset when he stumbles across a lamp. Picking it up he says to himself, “I wonder if it’s magic. I think I’ll rub it and find out.”

Well sure enough this man rubs the lamp and a genie pops out. The genie says to the man, “I’m your genie and I am at your command. I shall grant you three wishes on one condition. Everything you wish for, your wife gets double.”

Well the man thought about it and finally blurted out, “Give me a million dollars.” So the genie gave him a million dollars and his wife two million while reminding him of the “one condition”.

Next the man said, ” I’d like a house on the east coast and a house on the west coast.” So the genie gave him his two houses and his wife four houses.

Finally the genie said, “You have one wish remaining but remember, your wife gets double.”

So the man thought for nearly an hour about his final wish. Looking up at the genie hovering over the sand he said with a sly grin on his face, “Ok Genie, I want you to beat me half to death.”

I definitely think we’re in trouble.
I just saw an ad for a new movie sequel called…
“The Never-Ending Story 2”

Ah Mozart! He was happily married – but his wife wasn’t. — Borge

My wife asked me to buy organic vegetables from the market.

I went and looked around and couldn’t find any.

So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, “These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?”

The produce guy looked at me and said, “No, you’ll have to do that yourself.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown

The couple had been married for 30 years, and on their anniversary they decided to go back to the same hotel where they had spent their blissful wedding night.

Her husband was laying on the bed when she came out of the bathroom totally nude, just as she had 30 years before.

She stood seductively before him and asked, “Tell me, darling, what were you thinking 30 years ago when I came out of the bathroom like this?”

He replied, “I took one look at you and thought I’d like to screw your brains out and suck your boobs dry.”

“And what are you thinking now, baby?” she asked huskily.

He said, “I’m thinking I did a pretty good job of it!”