Category: relationships

First cannibal: I don’t know what to make of my husband these days.
Second cannibal: How about a curry?

After their house burned down, Mary Ann, his wife, called the insurance company.

Mary Ann tells the insurance agent, “We had that house insured for one hundred thirty thousand dollars and we want our money.”

The agent replies, “Whoa there, just a minute. It doesn’t work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of your house and provide you with a new one of comparable worth.”

Mary Ann thought for a moment and then told the agent, “I’d like to cancel the policy on my husband.”

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party.

She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the
party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she
argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to
bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not
going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without
pain and as it was still early, she decided to go the party.

In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she
thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see
how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting
around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he
could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe
herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time
to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her
husband.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she
agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little
bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and
went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering
what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind
of a time he had. He said, “Oh, the same old thing. You know I
never have a good time when you’re not there.”

Then she asked, “Did you dance much?”

He replied, I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I
got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we
went into the den and played poker all evening. But you’re not
going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume
to…….”

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.”But, officer,” the man began, “I can explain””Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.””But, officer, I just wanted to say””And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.””Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”

A man complaining to a friend: “I had it all – money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman … then … pow! … it was all gone!””What happened?” asked the friend.”Ahhhh … my wife found out …”

I Still Miss My Ex..But My Aim Is Getting Better!

A woman getting married for the fourth time visited a tailor to get a wedding dress made. When the tailor inquired about the color, the bride to be said, ‘White.’The tailor was a bit surprised by this, and said, ‘Excuse me, I don’t mean to pry, but since white is the color traditionally worn by a virgin on her wedding night, I can’t help wondering if you might still be a virgin? How could that be?’The woman replied, ‘I’m sorry to say, but that’s the way it is. You see, my first husband was a psychologist. He just wanted to talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist. He just wanted to look. My third husband was a stamp collector… God I miss him.’

“This is a fairly obscure area of law.”: “I have no clue what you’re talking about.”

“I think the court understands the gist of your argument.”: “Shut up and sit down before you screw up the few good points you’re trying to make here.”

“I’ll be taking this matter under advisement.”: “I’m going to work some poor law clerk like a galley slave to research everything there is to find about this, and then decide it by a coin flip.”

“Counsel, isn’t the real question here whether your insurance client has a duty to extend coverage?”: “Since you’re working by the hour for some rapacious insurance company, even if I hand you your head on a platter everybody still gets paid.”

“Counsel, let me see if I can’t rephrase your argument to make it a little clearer.”: “Since it’s obvious that you couldn’t find your butt with both hands, let alone explain what you’re trying to say, I’m going to take pity on your poor client, help him out here and hope he has the good sense to choose somebody else next time he needs legal help.”

“I’ve read all the briefs. Unless you have something new to add, I think I’ve got a pretty good handle on the issues.”: “I’ve got a tee time in 30 minutes, and if you force me to stay here and listen to you drone on, I’m going to make you pay for it.”

“I think now might be a good time to take a short break.”: “I’m trying desperately to keep from falling asleep, pitching forward into the file folder and having to get staples removed from my forehead.”

“Counsel, I think you’ve adequately covered that issue.”: “You’ve beat that dead horse into oblivion.”

“I just want to make sure that your client understands the rights he’s waiving here.”: “I want to make sure that if some bleeding heart on the appeals court decides to let this scumbag out of prison, I don’t get blamed for it.”

“I believe this is a question better determined by the jury.”: “Let’s see if you can get 12 people to buy this load of crap.”

“Counsel, could you address the jurisdiction issue first?”: “Please show me how I can unload this turkey on some other judge.”

“Although there is authority on both sides of the issue, the better-reasoned line of cases seems to say. . .”: “I disagree with the leading 42 cases on this point, but my clerk was able to find a 1946 Puerto Rico case that can be twisted into what I think the law ought to be.”

“This reminds me of an amusing story from when I was in private practice.”: “I’m going to bore you to tears with an old joke from the early ’50’s, and you’re going to feign amusement because the fate of your case hangs in the balance.”

“Counsel, one more outburst like that and I’m going to hold you in contempt!”: “Nothing would amuse me more than to leave you in a cold cell all weekend with a large guy named Bubba who knows all the words to “Getting To Know You.”

“I haven’t made up my mind one way or the other on this issue.”: “You’re gonna lose big time.”

There was a young witch from Nantes
Who hated each one of her aunts
So she buried the lot
In her vegetable plot
And grew some remarkable plants.

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and pigs, the husband says sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?”

“Yes,” the wife replies, “In-laws.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman

An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman’s doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her at any time.

She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, ever have sex again, because the strain would be too much.

The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules. Both get really horny over time, however, and the husband decides he’d better sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation.

This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other on the stairs, she’s coming downstairs, he’s heading up.

“Honey, I have a confession to make,” the woman says, her voice quavering. “I was about to commit suicide.”

“I’m glad to hear it, sweetie,” the man says, “Because I was just coming upstairs to kill you!”

Submitted by Tantilazing
Edited by Yisman

Three boys are at school bragging of how great their fathers are.
The first one says: “Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow,
and start to run, I tell you, and he gets there before the arrow”.
The second one says: “Ha! You think that’s fast! My father is a hunter. He can
shoot his gun and be there before the bullet”.
The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: “You
two know nothing about fast. My father works for the city. He stops working at
4:30 and he is home by 3:45″!!