Category: relationships

I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her.

One day a very drunk guy was walking down the road and found ten
dollars. Since he was very horny he decided to go to the whore
house across the street and see what he could get since he had
noone to go home to.

When he gets over there he shows the woman at the front counter
the money and asks what he can get. She realized he was drunk
and he probally wouldn’t notice if she put him in the room with
the blow-up doll. She took him up stairs, told him to have a
good time, and went back down stairs.

After about twenty minutes she heard wimpering coming from the
room. So she walks up there and asks what wrong. His
reply…Everything was going great until I bit her ass and she
flew out the window!

First guy: “My wife’s an angel!”

Second guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

An old man, who had lived a long a prosperous life, with
8 beautiful children and a loving and caring wife, is on his
death-bed, with his wife is right by his side. He says to her,
“Honey, I love you and all, but there’s something that’s been
bothering me for awhile. The last child that you had…he
doesn’t look like the rest of the kids. Grant me one last wish
and tell me who the real father was.”
The old woman looks him straight in the eye, and with a
honest tone says, “You.”

Tech Support’

Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and
noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to
the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewellery
applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable
programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs
such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and
HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no
avail.
–Desperate
***
Dear Desperate,
Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while
Husband 1.0is an operating system.
Try to enter the command: C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install
Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the
applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse
can cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, Happyhour
7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create “Snoring Loudly”
wave files. DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another
Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will
crash Husband 1.0
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have
limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I
personally recommend HotFood 3.0 and Lingerie 5.3.
Good Luck!
Tech Support

Two women were having a shower in a public bathroom, when one of them noticed that the other woman has one breast longer then the second one.

Upon asking her “how come ?” , ” That because my husband likes to suck their nipples” answered the woman.

Well, said the first lady ” My husband also likes to do it, but my two breasts are the same size”- to that answered the other woman: ” That’s OK , but you see, we _sleep in two separated beds”.

This married couple was enjoying a dinner out when this gorgeous blonde walks over to their table, exchanges warm greetings with the husband and walks off. “Who was that?” Demands the wife. “If you must know, that was my mistress.” “Your MISTRESS? I want a divorce!” “Are you sure you want to give up a big house in the suburbs, a Mercedes, furs, jewelry, and a vacation home in Mexico?” They continued dining in silence for a while. Finally, the woman asks, “Isn’t that Howard over there? Who’s he with?” “That�s HIS mistress.” “Oh… Well I think ours is cuter.”

A cuckold returns home after a trip, finds another man’s boots near the door
and his wife in bed. He starts searching around, enters the kitchen and finds
there Arnold Schwarzenegger. The wife asks from the bedroom:
– Hey, found someone?
The husband closes the door:
– Nope!

A guy dials his home phone number from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, “Who is this?””This is the maid.”, answered the woman.”We don’t have a maid!” “I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house.””Well, this is her husband. Is she there?” “Ummm…she’s upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband.”The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, “Listen, would you like to make $50,000?””What do I have to do?””I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that Bitch and the jerk she’s with.”The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots.The maid comes back to the phone. “What should I do with the bodies?””Throw them in the swimming pool!””What pool?””Uh.. is this 832-4821?”

FOR SALE: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.

Two young boys were discussing their parents, when one realized he really knew
very little about his mother. Arriving home that evening, he gave her a third
degree examination.
“How old are you?” he asked.
“None of your business,” replied his mother, shortly.
“Okay, then how much do you weigh?”
“That’s not your business either, young man.”
The boy thinks a minute, and then delivers his final bombshell. “Well then,
can you tell me why you and daddy got divorced?”
Shocked and appalled, mom sends junior to bed without supper.
The next day, the kid reports his failure to his schoolmate. “I know!” says
his buddy, “Just look at her driver’s license in her purse. It’ll tell you
everything you want to know.”
Later that day, mom finds her son next to her disemboweled purse, holding her
driver’s license. “Just what the heck do you think you are doing?” she yells.
“Well, you wouldn’t tell me what I wanted to know,” says the junior detective,
“but my friend said it’s all right here. See, you’re 40 years old…you weigh
145 pounds…and daddy divorced you because you got an ‘F’ in Sex.”

Schedule of a Wife and Mother:

Attempt to wake husband.
Feed baby.
Make breakfast.
Change baby.
Wake kids.
Dress kids.
Walk dog.
Feed baby.
Drive kids to school.
Drag husband out of bed.
Do laundry.
Iron clothes.
Clean house.
Make husband lunch.
Feed and change baby.
Clean house again.
Walk dog again.
Pick up kids.
Pick up school stuff.
Clean up dog’s mess.
Make dinner.
Call repairman, plumber, electrician, and exterminator.
Swat flies.
Yell at kids.
Put kids to bed.
Change baby.
Go to Wal-Mart to stand on line for three hours to get one bag of chips for husband.
Clean house again.
Go to bed. Get up.
Comfort baby.
Let dog out.
Change baby.
Let dog in.
Get 10 minutes of sleep.

Schedule of a Husband and Father

Sleep.
Go to work.
Sleep.
Drink coffee.
Have wife pick up.
Watch football and drink beer.
Fall asleep.
Go to bathroom.
Lift one heavy object for begging wife.
Go to bed.
Get sleep while wife feeds baby.