I must take every precaution not to get pregnant,” said Edna to Priscilla.
“But I thought you said your hubby had a vasectomy,” Priscilla responded.
“He did. That’s why I have to take every precaution.”
Category: relationships
Jackass
A guy and his wife walked into a bar one day, the wife takes a seat and the guy goes up to the bar.
The barman goes over to the guy and asks him what he wants, the guy replies, “I’ll have a bottle of bud and an orange juice for the jackass.”
The barman looks at the guy puzzled but say’s nothing and gives the guy his drink, this happens twice more.
A couple of hours pass and the guy goes to the men’s room and his wife goes up to the bar. This time she orders the drinks.
The barman gets the drinks and says, “It’s probably none of my business, but I think you should know that your husband has been referring to you as the jackass. I just had to tell you because I don’t think it’s very fair for him to call you that.”
The woman turns to him and smiles and says… “Oh, don’t worry, it’s ok – heaw, heaw, he always calls me that!”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Valentines for the Ex!
A man went to the market this last week to buy Valentines’ cards for his daughter and mother. The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of cards astounded him.
He muttered out loud, “I wonder if they have cards for ex-spouses.”
The clerk behind the counter said, “Oh, yes sir, they do have an ‘ex’ category, but they’re in Sporting Goods.”
“Really?”
“Yes sir…they’re called bullets!”
Detective Sui
A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous Chinese detective, Mr. Sui Tansow Pok, to watch and report any activities that might develop. A few days later, he received this report:
Most honorable sir:
You leave house.
He come house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree-look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
fall out of tree, not see.
……NO FEE
How to live Happily Ever After
For all you aspiring knights in shining armor and beautiful
damsel wannabees, if you would like to achive the fabled Happily
Ever After in your life, just follow these simple instructions.
~For guys looking for a girl~
1) Buy the fanciest, shiniest armor money can buy. If it’s not
white, spray-paint it. Ditto for a valiant steed.
2) Look for the ugliest fortuneteller on the block, and ask
where the nearest maiden is.
3) Snore through her 15 minute fairytale, and head off in any
direction.
4) Look for any lone tower that was built in the middle of
nowhere for no known purpose whatsoever.
5) Rescue the maiden by paying off the resident dragon to fake
his death.
6) Seek out some contraceptives after you bring her home.
~For girls looking for a guy~
1) Buy the fanciest, softest dress money can buy. If it’s not
white, dye it.
2) Go to the ugliest fortuneteller on the block and ask for
beauty tips. Do the opposite of what she instructs.
3) Have a single tower get built in the middle of nowhere.
4) Make yourself appear to be in distress by paying off the
resident dragon to guard you while you practice sleeping so
you appear to be under a spell.
5) Do not, and I repeat do not, make any sudden moves until
AFTER your valiant knight kisses you.
6) After he takes you to his home, threaten him that if he
would like you to remain a beautiful maiden, that he ought to
search for some contraceptives.
If you follow these quick and easy steps, you will be well
on your way to living Happily Ever After.
Sincerely,
The resident dragon.
Newlyweds
A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules: ‘I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card playing when I want with my old buddies and don’t you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?’
His new bride said, ‘No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there’ll be sex here at seven o’clock every night — whether you’re here or not.’
Marry for Cash
It’s just to hot to wear clothes today,” said Jack as he stepped out of the shower. “Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?”
“Probably that I married you for your money.”
Description
A man comes to a police station and says his wife has disappeared. They ask
him to describe what she looks like.
– Ok, but for heaven’s sake, if you find her, don’t show her my description!
The New Newlywed Game
This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband,
although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go out into town
and party with his old buddies, so he says to his new wife,
“Honey, I’ll be right back…”
“Where are you going Coochy Cooh…?” asked the wife.
“I’m going to the bar, Pretty Face. I’m going to have a beer.”
The wife says to him, “You want a beer my love?” Then she opens
the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of
beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland,
Japan, India, etc.
The husband doesn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he
can think of saying is, “Yes, Honey Pie…but the bar you
know…the frozen glass…”
He didn’t get to finish the sentence, when the wife interrupts
him by saying, “You want a frozen glass Puppy Face?” She takes a
mug out of the freezer so frozen that she was getting chills
holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, says, “Yes, Tootsie Roll, but
at the bar they have those hors d’oeuvres that are really
delicious… I won’t be long. I’ll be right back. I promise.
OK?”
“You want hors d’oeuvres Pookie Pooh?” She opens the oven and
takes out 15 dishes of different hors d’oeuvres: chicken wings,
pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
“But Sweetie, Honey…at the bar…you know…the swearing, the
dirty words and all that.”
“You want dirty words Cutie Pie? HERE, DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER
IN YOUR FROZEN FUCKING MUG AND EAT YOUR FUCKING SNACKS, BECAUSE
YOU AREN’T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT ASSHOLE?!!”
The little boy
my joke is what does a little boy say to a girl when he wants to kiss her says you look hot may i kiss you but i dont want to kiss you .
A very desperate marriage
A man really loved a woman, but he was just too shy to propose to her. Now he was up in his years and neither of them had ever been married. Of course, they dated about once a week for the past six years, but he was so timid he just never got around to suggesting marriage much less living together.But one day, he became determined to ask her the question. So he calls her on the phone, “June.””Yes, this is June.””Will you marry me?””Of course I will! Who’s this?”
Pretend Marriage
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, “I’m sorry to bother you but I’m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket.”The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, “I’ve got a better idea… let’s pretend we’re married.””Why not?” giggles the woman.”Good,” he replies. “Get your own blanket!”