Category: relationships

A bum asks a man for $2.The man asked: “Will you buy booze?”The bum said: “No.”The man asked “Will you gamble it away?”The bum said: “No.”Then the man asked: “Will you come home with me, so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn’t drink or gamble?”

A married man left work early on a Friday. Instead of going home, however, he squandered the entire weekend (and his paycheck) partying with the boys.

When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his furious wife. After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for a couple of days?”

“That would suit me just fine” he replied.

Monday went by, and the man didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went, with the same result. Come Thursday, the swelling had gone down a bit and he could see her, just a little, out of the corner of his left eye.

Spinster: A bachelor’s wife.

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, ‘Honey, I know we’ve been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce.’ The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, ‘I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it, because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he’s a better lover than you.’ Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels. She says, ‘I want the house.’ Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, ‘I want the kids too.’ The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he’s up to 80 mph. She says, ‘I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too.’ The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, ‘Is there anything you want?’ The husband says, ‘No, I’ve got everything I need right here.’ She asks, ‘What’s that?’ The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, ‘I’ve got the airbag!’

A man takes his wife to the cattle stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls.

They come up to the first bull and his sign stated:”This bull mated 50 times last year.”

The wife turns to her husband and says,”He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him.”

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated:”This bull mated 65 times last year.”

The wife turns to her husband and says,”This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also.”

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: “This bull mated 365 times last year.”

The wife’s mouth drops open and says,”WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one.”

The man turns to his wife and says,”Go up and ask if it was 365 times with the same cow.”

• she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
• she thought a quarterback was a refund.
• she tripped over a cordless phone.
• she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
• she got stabbed in a shoot-out.
• she told someone to meet her at the corner of “WALK” and “DON’T WALK.”
• they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
• she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
• at the bottom of the application where it says “sign here”, she put “Sagittarius.”
• if she spoke her mind, she’d probably be speechless.
• when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

Hank was amazed at the length of the funeral procession going down Main
Street. Watching awhile he observed that the cortege consisted entirely of men.
A man holding a Doberman led it.

His curiosity got the best of him and walked up to the man at the front of the
line. “Excuse me for interrupting you in your time of grief”, said Hank,
politely. ” But I’ve never seen such a funeral procession. Would you mind
telling me who it’s for?”

“It’s for my mother-in-law,” explained the mourner. Tightening the leash, he
gestured down at the dog and said, “My Doberman here killed her.”

“Gee, that’s terrible�, commiserated Hank�, but hmmm…. i s there any way you
could lend me your dog for a day or so?”

The bereaved son-in-law pointed his thumb over his shoulder and answered, “Get
in line!”

A guy was invited to some old friends’ home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy: “I think it’s wonderful that after all the years you’ve been married, you still call your wife those pet names.” His buddy hung his head. “To tell you the truth,” he said, “I forgot her name about ten years ago.”

A teenage girl came home from school and asks her mother, “Is it true what
Rita just told me?”

“What’s that?” asks her mother.

“That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?” said
her daughter.

“Yes it is dear!” replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally
come up and that she wouldn’t have to explain it to her daughter.

“But then, when I have a baby,” responded the teenager�, won�t it knock my
teeth out?”

A traveling salesman, in the middle of his 2 week stint on the road, walks into a WhoreHouse. The salesman whips out $300.00 and hands it to the Madam of the house. “Give me the WORST lay you have here.” he says.

The Madam, looking confused, says “But sir, for this kind of money, you can have one of my very BEST girls.”

The salesman, not to be discouraged, says, “Please, I just want the WORST piece of ass in the house.”

The Madam, now getting a bit upset replies “Sir, for $300.00, you could get the best lay of your life.”

Sheepishly the salesman says, “I don’ want the best lay of my life, I’m not horny, I’m HOMESICK!”

Four close friends who lived in the same apartment building are
enjoying the boardgame they are playing until a woman walks in
and slams the door behind her. “You created an I hate Annie
Knoller Club!” ” Well Ya Annie.” “Just what do you do in this
club?” ” Just make up rumors, they aren’t that bad.” ” so what’s
this rumor that you made up?” “Well, nothing much, just that
your parents flipped a coin and it landed as tails so ignoring
the fact that you were female you would be treated as you had
male reproductive parts.” “so you gave me a teenie weenie!?” “Ya
pretty much” ” Well I have a rumor about you too, it’s that you
made out with the 50 yrs. old libarian during high school” ” How
did you know?” ” I thought I made it up” “I had no idea you
liked the libarian” ” she was pretty damn ugly dude” ” Hey well
she looked 16 and not 50!”

An old man and woman were married for years even though they
hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and
yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement
was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. “When I
die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and
haunt you for the rest of your life!”

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for
missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was
feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had
a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the
local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her
neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions, “Are you
not afraid, concerned, worried, that this man who practiced
black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and
out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your
life?”

The wife put down her drink and said, “Let the old fart dig. I
had him buried upside down.”