Category: relationships

A big-game hunter went on safari with his new wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

The wife cried, “What are we going to do?”

“Nothing,” said the hunter husband. “The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.”

My Aunt Helen has got so many double chins it looks like she is peering over a
pile of pancakes.

HER SIDE OF THE STORY

My husband was in an odd mood Saturday night. We planned to meet at a cafe for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised but he didn’t say anything about it. I don’t remember doing anything to make him upset, but I could tell there was something wrong.

The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off to someplace intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I was getting really worried, what did I do? What was bothering him? Was he mad at me?

I tried to cheer him up, but started to wonder what was bothering him. Was it me or something else? I asked him if he was upset with me, he said no. But I wasn’t really sure. In the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didn’t know what the heck that meant because, you know, he didn’t say it back or anything. We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV.

Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, we made love. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I wanted to confront him but didn’t, so I just cried myself to sleep. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he’s seeing someone else.

HIS SIDE OF THE STORY

Played badly today — shot 97 – – -can’t putt for shit! Felt kind of tired.

Got laid though.

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft the skin from her body, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor found suitable would have to come from his rear end. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.” “My darling,” he replied,” think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”

16. Ow … I banged my head! That really hurt! Hey…Who are you?

15. I’m sorry, but there just isn’t room in my life right now
for you and my vibrator.

14. I’ve got this disease… It’s called herpigonosyphalaids.
very contagious.

13. You’re too young for me. I mean, too *old*. We’re the same
age? Well, that doesn’t work for me either.

12. We’re just so different you and I. You’re an extrovert, I’m
an introvert. I like classical, you like heavy metal. And of
course *I’m* not a physically repulsive psychopath.

11. You’ve gone from “sponge-worthy” to merely “spongy”.

10. Dear Christine: By the time you read this, I will be a woman.

9. I have early-onset onanism.

8. You’re no longer the wealthy, gullible, and desperately
lonely man I fell in love with.

7. My penis,uh, fell off, and I, er, lost it… yeah…on the
subway I think.

6. “Less filling? LESS FILLING??? I don’t even know who you are
anymore.

5. My dog is having puppies and I need to take a year off in
order to train them to attack your picture.

4. It’s not you, it’s me. Specifically, me would like to sleep
with your sister.

3. I had lunch at the Hunan Palace today and according to the
place mat, you’re a snake and I’m a mongoose.

2. We just don’t have anything in common anymore — you’re a
morning person, and I want to see you’re severed head impaled
on a steel railroad spike.

1. I’m holding you back from all the other lives you could be
ruining.

On the way home from the party, the woman said to her husband, “Have I ever told you how handsome and sexy and irresistible to women you are?”

“Why no,” said the husband, flattered.

“Then what the hell gave you that idea at the party?!” she yelled.

The husband arrives home early from work one evening to see his
wife on the floor scrubbing the kitchen tiles.

Her tantalizing rear is shaking and she is only wearing a mini
skirt and a pair of white cotton knickers. Because she is bent
over, her panties are showing out the bottom of her skirt. The
husband also notices that her panties have a little wet spot,
meaning she is ready for him

He tip toes over to her and she is completely unaware of his
presence. He pulls down her panties and begins to lick up her
juices. She is groaning and moaning and shaking her rear at him.

He gets a hard on and decides to fuck her right then and there.
he whips out his cock and proceeds to fuck her like he never has
before. It went on for hours. When he was finished, he clipped
her over the ear.

She looked stunned, turned to him and said “What was that for?”

He replied, “That was for not turning around to see who it was!”

One day a boy comes home from school and says, “dad I need to know the meaning of hypothetically and realistically for school.” so the father replies, “go ask your mother if she would sleep with a man for 1 million dollars.” so the little boy goes and asks and sure enough she says yes. his dad says ok now go ask your sister if she would sleep with a man for a million dollars. so he does and sure enough she says yes. so the father says, you see son hypothetically we are sitting on 2 million dollars but realistically we are living with a couple of whores.”

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.

Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said, “Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I’ve got a splitting headache.”

“Certainly, honey,” he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, “Say,” said the druggist, “aren’t you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?”

“Yes, I am,” said the officer.

“Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief’s uniform?”

Following an especially angry argument, Mr. and Mrs. Smith went to bed not speaking to each other.

Needing to arise early the following morning, Mr. Smith left a note on his wife’s bedside table that said “Wake me at six.”

An exasperated Mr. Smith awoke at ten the following morning and rolled stiffly out of bed to see a note on his bedside table.

“It’s six, you bum! Get out of bed!”

When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with large breasts.

In high school, I dated a girl with large breasts, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl.

In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.

I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.
After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned.

Now all I want is a girl with large breasts!

A bum asks a man for $2.The man asked: “Will you buy booze?”The bum said: “No.”The man asked “Will you gamble it away?”The bum said: “No.”Then the man asked: “Will you come home with me, so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn’t drink or gamble?”