Category: relationships

I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about ‘short’ and ‘cheap’? — Phyllis Diller

This man is at work one day when he notices that his male co- worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.”

“Yo, Bob, I didn’t know you were into earrings.”

“Oh, yeah, sure,” says Bob sheepishly.

“Really? How long have you been wearing one?”

“Ever since my wife found it in our bed!”

A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said, “I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket.”

“Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”

The woman looked puzzled. “Why talk to me?” she asked.

“Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

A Kentucky family took a vacation to New York City. For an adventure, the
father took his son to see a skyscraper. They were amazed by everything they saw
— especially the elevator at one end of the lobby.
The boy asked, “What’s that there, Paw?”
The father responded, “Well, Son, I reckon I never did see nothing like this
in my entire life. I got no darned idea what it is!”
While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old
lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The
walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls
closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the
walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse
direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped
out.
The father turned to his son and said, “Go get your Maw�.

Q: Are birth control pills deductible?
A: Only if they don’t work.

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, since it was pay-day, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”

To which he replied. “That would be fine with me.”

Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each
baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having
your first.
Your Clothes
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms
your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
The Baby’s Name
1st baby: You pore over baby name books and practice pronouncing and writing
combinations of all your favorites.
2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your great-aunt Mavis,
right? It might as well be you.
3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger
points.
Preparing for the Birth
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don’t bother practicing because you remember that last time,
breathing didn’t do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
The Layette
1st baby: You perish your newborn’s clothes, color coordinate them, and fold
them neatly in the baby’s little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only
the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can’t they?
Worries
1st baby: At the first sign of distress–a whimper, a frown–you pick up the
baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your
firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical
swing.
Activities
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby
Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
Going Out
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5
times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a
number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees
blood.
At Home
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child
isn’t squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed.

In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs.

She went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning.

She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing.

“What’s wrong with you?” she asked him. “Remember when your father caught us fooling around when you were 16?” he replied.

“And remember, he said, I had two choices: I could either marry you, or spend the next 20 years in prison.”

Baffled, she said, “yes, I remember. So?”

“Well…I would have gotten out today!”

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis

Q: What’s the difference between a husband and a boyfriend?
A: About 30 pounds.

What’s the best way to have your husband remember your anniversary?

Get married on his birthday.

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife
and pinched her on her butt and said, “You know if you firmed
this up we could get rid of your girdle.” While this was on the
edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with
silence.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the
breast and said, “You know if you firmed these up we could get
rid of your bra.” This was beyond a silence response, so she
rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in
place she said, “You know if you firmed this up we could get rid
of your brother!”

HER SIDE OF THE STORY

My husband was in an odd mood Saturday night. We planned to meet at a cafe for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised but he didn’t say anything about it. I don’t remember doing anything to make him upset, but I could tell there was something wrong.

The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off to someplace intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I was getting really worried, what did I do? What was bothering him? Was he mad at me?

I tried to cheer him up, but started to wonder what was bothering him. Was it me or something else? I asked him if he was upset with me, he said no. But I wasn’t really sure. In the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didn’t know what the heck that meant because, you know, he didn’t say it back or anything. We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV.

Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, we made love. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I wanted to confront him but didn’t, so I just cried myself to sleep. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he’s seeing someone else.

HIS SIDE OF THE STORY

Played badly today — shot 97 – – -can’t putt for shit! Felt kind of tired.

Got laid though.