Category: relationships

When Fred proposed to his girl friend she said, “I love the simple things in
life, Wally, but I don’t want one of them for a husband�.

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on
their wedding night. As Emma undressed for bed, the husband (who
was a burly bruiser) tossed his pants to his bride and said,
“Here, put these on.” She put them on and the waist was twice
the size of her body. “I can’t wear your pants”, she said.
“That’s right!”, said the husband, “and don’t you ever forget
it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family!”

With that, she flipped him her panties and said, “Try these on.”
He tried them on, and found he could only get them on as far as
his kneecap. He said, “Hell, I can’t get into your panties!” She
said, “That’s right and that’s the way it’s going to be until
your goddamned attitude changes!”

Bob lived in an apartment building and had to walk down the hall every morning to get his mail. One morning while getting his mail, his new (drop dead gorgeous) neighbor slinked out of her apartment towards him and as she leaned over to get her mail her robe opened a bit. Bob could hardly believe it, she wasn’t wearing a thing under her robe. The woman leaned closer to Bob and said good morning. This time her robe opened up completely. She purred to Bob that she hadn’t had a man in years. He could hardly keep eye contact when she said she heard someone coming and that they should go back to her apartment. They went inside and she let the robe fall to the floor. What do you think my best feature is? Bob stuttered and drooled a bit and finally said ‘Your ears.’

‘What do you mean my ears, look at me. I have round perfect breasts, a nice tight ass and legs to die for what on earth made you say EARS!’

‘Well,’ said Bob ‘In the hall you said you heard someone coming, that was me!’

A married couple have been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky. The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. “Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts.”

The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch. Soon the couple on the ground are placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down, “Hey, no screwing!” They yell back, “We’re not screwing!”

A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down, “Hey, no screwing!” Again they yell back, “We’re not screwing!” Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down, “Hey, I said no screwing!” They yell back, “We’re not screwing!”

Eventually the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband. He’s not even halfway up before the wife and her new friend are hard at it. The husband looks out from the tower and says, “Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they’re screwing.

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, “Doctor, I haven’t had sex for years now, and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.” The doctor smiled and said, “Have you tried to give him Viagra?” The lady frowned. “Doctor, I can’t even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,” she claimed. “Well,” the doctor continued, “let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won’t notice a thing.” The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor’s office quickly. Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head. “How did it go?” the doctor asked. “Terribly, doctor, terribly.” “Did it not work?” “Yes,” the old lady said, “It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I’d had in 25 years.” “Then what is the problem, ma’am?” “Well,” she said. “I can’t ever show my face in McDonald’s again.”

On the fourth day of their honeymoon, the 21 year old bride was begging for mercy from her 75 year old husband.

Rather than endure yet another lovemaking session, she slipped out of the room while he was showering and went to the hotel coffee shop.

The waitress, who had served the couple breakfast each day, was shocked at the woman’s appearance.

“Honey, you’re just a young thing,” she remarked, “but you look like hell. What’s up?”

“I’ve been double-crossed,” the miserable bride moaned. “When he said he’d been saving up for 50 years, I thought he meant CASH!”

A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife.

He says to the doctor, ”Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things.”

”Well,” the doctor replied, ”go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn’t reply move about five feet close and say it again. Keep doing this so that we’ll get an idea about the severity of her deafness”.

Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, ”Honey, what’s for dinner?”

He hears no response. He moves about five feet closer and asks again.

No reply.

He moves five feet closer.

Still no reply.

He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, ”Honey, what’s for dinner?”

She replies, ”For the fourth time, vegetable stew!

A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retire to bed.

Both go to their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber.

The man calls over to his wife, “My little boopey-boo, I’m lonely.”

The woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face.

The husband with a concerned look on his face says, “Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?”

The woman gets up and enters the man’s bed. The two have passionate sex and afterwards the woman rolls out.

As she returns to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and again falls flat on her face.

The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, “Clumsy bitch!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing

Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way.

Andy’s wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the “miracle” products, she asks her husband – “Darling, honestly, if you didn’t know me, what age would you say I am?”

Looking over her carefully, Andy replied,…
“Judging from your skin, twenty;
your hair, eighteen;
and your figure, twenty five.”

“Oh, you flatterer!” she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying…

“WHOA, hold on there sweety!” Andy interrupted.
“I haven’t added them up yet!”

Three men are at a bar, and two of the men are acting very macho and talking about the control they have over their wives. The third remains silent. After a while, the first two men turn to the third and ask, “What about you? What kind of control do you have over your wife?” The third man turns to the first two and says, “Well, I’ll tell you, just the other day I had her on her knees.” The first two men were dumbfounded. “Whoa! What happened next?”, they asked, inching closer to hear what the third man had to say. The third man took a healthy swig of his beer, sighed and said, “Yep. I had her on her knees. Until she started screaming, ‘Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!'”

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary.

The husband decides to give his wife a gift, a tombstone, with the inscription: “Here lies my wife…..cold as ever”

Later the furious wife bought a return present, a tombstone with the inscription: “Here lies my husband…..stiff at last”

What’s the best way to have your husband remember your anniversary?

Get married on his birthday.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman