Category: relationships

A young couple were married and they were having sex all the time during their honeymoon, but when the honeymoon was over they had to adjust their sex schedule to their work schedule. so every day the husband would get home at 5 o’clock, and every day they would go to bed at 5:15. in the door at 5, in the sack at 5:15. this went on for months, never missing a day until the wife came down with the flu and went to the doctor to get a flu shot. the shot killed all the germs inside her except for three, and these three germs were huddled together inside her body talking over their survival plans. one germ said, ‘I am going to hide between two toes on her left foot, I don’t think the antibiotics will find me there’.

A second exclaimed, ‘I am going to hide behind her right ear, I don’t think they’ll find me there.’

The last germ said, ‘I don’t know about you guys, but when that 5:15 pulls out tonight, I’m gonna be on it!’

My Aunt Edna is so fat, Uncle Tom has to stand up in bed each morning to see
if it’s daylight.

A seventy-five year old guy, his hair is completely white, marries a twenty-two year old girl, and she gets pregnant. Nine months later, he walks into the Maternity Ward. He says to the nurse, “Well, how’d I do?”

The nurse says, “She had twins.”

He says, “Heh, heh, heh…well, I guess that goes to show, that even if there’s snow on the roof, there can still be fire in the furnace.”

She says, “Well, then you’d better change filters. Both of the babies are black.”

A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

A husband should never question his wife’s judgement. Look whom she married!

A lifetime in snooker my dearest, it’s happened to you, so don’t forget to chalk his cue and the first game you play make sure it’s at the end of the day.

A man is as good as he has to be; a woman as bad as she dares.

A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.

A wedding is a funeral where a man smells his own flowers.

A wedding ring is like a tourniquet; it cuts off your circulation.

Advice to submariners: If torpedo overheats, load tube, go deep and eject.

Advice to the new bride: You can’t be treated like a doormat if you don’t line down.

Advice to the new bride: Never trust a husband too far or a bachelor too near.

Two bits of advice to the new bride: One, tell your new husband that you have to have one night a week out with the girls, and, two, don’t waste that night with the girls.

After a moment of quite repose It’s tum to tum and toes to toes After a moment of sheer delight It’s back to back for the rest of the night.

All marriages are happy; it’s the living together afterward that causes all the problems.

All men are born free and equal, but then lots of them grow up and get married.

Always talk to your wife while you’re making love…if there’s a phone handy..

And the story of the man who called his son Vendetta, because he always had it in for him…

And I shall love thee still my dear, until my wife is wise.

Anybody who claims that marriage is a fifty-fifty proposition doesn’t know the first thing about women or fractions.

As she hears the wedding march, three things are foremost in a bride’s mind: aisle, altar, hymn.

As you slide down the bannister of life, may all the marital splinters be pointed in the right direction.

Be sure to tie your nightie to your toes, ‘cos you know where the wild goose goes.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

Bride, at wedding: Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve always wanted a prick like my mother’s.

Confucius say man who sink into woman’s arms soon have arms in woman’s sink. Confucius say wife for life is better than wife for strife.

Congratulations, rots of ruck, sideways is great.

Congratulations and best wishes on this very special day. Love Bill and Mary Farkin and the whole farkin family.

Congratulations on finding a socket outlet for your plug!

Congratulations on the termination of your isolation and may I express an appreciation of your determination to end the desperation and frustration which has caused you so much consternation in giving you the inspiration to make a combination to bring an accumulation to the population.

Dear {bride}, Isn’t it funny how history repeats itself? {Age of bride} years ago your mum and dad were putting you to bed with a dummy – and now it’s happening all over again!

Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins? He baptized one and kept the other as a control.

Don’t be too liberal at the country party or you’ll wind up in Labor.

Don’t buy your bed from Grace Brothers (Myers); they stand behind everything they sell.

Betsy Sue Jim Bob was walking down the street when she noticed her grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

‘Grandpa, what are you doing?’ she exclaimed.

The old ma looked off in the distance without answering.

‘Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?’ she asked again.

The old man slowly looked at her and said, ‘Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma’s idea.

A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin.

“Listen to this,” he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. “It says I’m energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover.”

“Yeah,” his wife nodded, “and it has your weight wrong, too!”

A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his
rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a
scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, “This
scope is so good,you can see my house all the way up on that
hill”.

The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.

“What’s so funny?” asks the clerk. “I see a naked man and a
naked woman running around in the house”, the man replies.

The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house.
Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, “Here are two
bullets, I’ll give you this scope for nothing if you take these
two bullets, shoot my wife’s head off and shoot the guy’s dick
off.”

The man takes another look through the scope and says, “You know
what? I think I can do that with one shot!”

A young couple had just returned from their honeymoon and were settling down in their new apartment. Coming home from work one night, the landlady met the man in the hallway. She said, “I have a couple of extra tickets to a play in town tonight, and I wonder if you and your bride would like to have them?”

“I’ll ask her,” the young man responded. Then he opened his door and called out, “Honey, would you like to see ‘Oliver Twist’ tonight?”

“Hey, Pal,” she retorted. “If you show me one more trick with that thing, I’m going home to mother.”

The newest vitamin is made from chicken soup.It makes men cocky and women lay better.

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

“What are you doing?” He says.

She answers, “I’m moving to Sydney. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free.”

Later, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he’s going, he replies, “I’m going to Sydney too, I want to see you live on $800 a year”.

Submitted by ���rt��
Edited by calamjo

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl.

As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

“No,” he says, “The seat is empty.”

“This is incredible,” said the man.

“Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?”

He says, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super bowl we haven’t been to

together since we got married in 1967.”

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. But couldn’t you find someone else — a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?”

The man shakes his head.

“No, they’re all at the funeral.”

Submitted by Curtis

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the
inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed
incredibly long, oversized penises.
“How do you account for this?” he asked the brothers.
“It’s hereditary, sir,” the older one replied.
“I see,” said the doctor, writing in his file. “Your father’s the reason for
your elongated penises?”
“No sir, our mother.”
“Your mother? You idiot, women don’t have penises!”
“I know, sir,” replied the recruit�, but she only had one arm, and when it
came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could.”