Category: relationships

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years
in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their
virginity to each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they
wanted both to go to the same college but, the girl was accepted
to a college on the East Coast, and the guy went to a college on
the West Coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and to
spend anytime they could together.

As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never
be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the
letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his
messages.

Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. He
didn’t take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and
emails trying to win back her love. She soon became very annoyed
with his persistence and now with a new boyfriend, she wanted to
get him off her back.

So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her
sucking her new boyfriend’s unmentionables and sent it to her
old boyfriend with a note reading, “I found a new boyfriend,
leave me alone.”

Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more
so, he was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome.

He wrote on the back of the photo the following, “Dear Mom and
Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!”
and mailed the picture to her parents.

A man complains to a friend, “I can’t take it anymore.”

“What’s wrong?” his concerned friend asks.

“It’s my wife. Every time we have an argument, she gets historical!”

“You mean hysterical,” his friend said, chuckling.

“No, I mean HISTORICAL,” the man insists. “Every argument we have, she’ll go “I still remember that time when you ….”

Woman: If you were my husband I’d poison your coffee.
Man: And if you were my wife, I’d drink it.

Perfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands, but English women only hope to find in their butlers. — W. Somerset Maugham

These three friends, a Dentist, a Carpenter, and an Electrician were sitting around trying to decide what prank to pull on a mutual friend. Their friend was getting married soon, and his good buddies just felt compelled to play some prank, as all good buddies would.

After sitting around brainstorming for a while, the Electrician had a thought, “I know! I know! I can wire the bed so that when our friend and his new bride sit on it and touch one another, they’ll get a good shock.”

The Carpenter perked up and added, “and I can rig the bed so that when they get shocked and jump apart, the bed will collapse.”

The Dentist just sat in silence, because he couldn’t think of a thing to do.

After the fortunate couple’s wedding and honeymoon, the groom called his friends together for a chat. He said to them, “Well, when we sat on the bed and got a shock, it wasn’t that bad. And then when we jumped apart and the bed fell in, we had a good laugh. But who’s bright idea was it to put the Novacaine in the Vaseline?!?!?!?!?”

An old lady is very upset as her husband, Colin, had just passed away.

She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him she starts crying.

One of the undertakers strides up to provide comfort in this somber moment.

Through her tears she explains that she is upset because her dearest Colin was wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit.

The undertaker apologizes and explains that traditionally they always put the bodies in black, but he’d see what he could arrange.

The next day she returned to the undertakers to have one last moment with Colin before his funeral the following day.

When the undertaker pulls back the curtain, she manages to smile through her tears as Colin is resplendent in a smart blue suit.

She says to the undertaker, “Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful blue suit?”

“Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband’s size was brought in & he was wearing a blue suit.

His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit,” the undertaker replied.

The wife smiled at the man.

He continued, “After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads over.”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Glaci and Curtis

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband’s best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they’re just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman’s house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation…

(She is speaking in a cheery voice)

“Hello? Oh, hi. I’m so glad that you called. Really? That’s wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye.”

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, “Who was that?”

“Oh” she replies, “That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he’s having on his fishing trip with you.”

The other day at work I ran into Rob.

We chatted over lunch and he dropped a bombshell on me. “Rodney,” he said, “Becky and I are going to get a divorce.”

I was stunned. “Why? What happened, you two seem so happy together.”

“Well,” he said, “ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all hours of the night and more.

She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and how to invest in the stock market.”

“Are you a little bitter because she spent so much time trying to change you?” I probed.

“Nah, I’m not bitter. Now that I’m so improved, she just isn’t good enough for me.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don’t?Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed. Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.

A married man was talking to his buddy, and he said, “I don’t know what to
get my wife for her birthday, she has everything, and besides, she can
afford to buy anything she wants, so I’m stumped.”

His buddy said, “I have an idea, why don’t you make up a certificate
saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it…
she’ll probably be thrilled.”

So the fellow did. The next day his buddy said, “Well? Did you take my
suggestion?”

“Yes, I did,” said the fellow.

“Did she like it?” His buddy asked.

“Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out
the door, yelling ‘I’ll be back in an hour!!'”

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.

“Sidney thought of everything,” she told them. “Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. ‘Tillie,’ he told me, ‘I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace’.”

“What was in the envelopes?” her friends asked.

“The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, ‘Please use this money to buy a nice casket.’ So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably.”

“The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, ‘Please use this for anice funeral ‘I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending.”

“And the third envelope?” asked her friends.
“The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, ‘Please use this to buy a nice stone.'”

Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said…
“So, do you like my stone?” showing off her 10 carat diamond ring.

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Tantilazing

The first morning after the honeymoon, the husband got up early, went down to the kitchen, and brought his wife her breakfast in bed. Naturally, she was delighted. Then he spoke: “Have you noticed just what I have done?”

“Of course, dear. Every single detail!”

“Good. That’s how I want my breakfast served every morning.”