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The morning after an all-night honeymoon extravaganza in bed, the newlywed wife snuggles up to her hubby and asks, “Sweetheart, how many others were there before me?”
After a few minutes of silence, the wife says, “Well, I’m waiting.”
And the guy takes a deep breath and says, “Well, I’m still counting.”
My wife has a split personality, and I hate both of them.
A man came home from a business trip. He went to bed with his wife. In the
middle of night, some noise under the bed woke him. He extended his hand toward
the floor and said. “Is it you, Lassy?”
“Yes,” Lassy answered and licked the man’s hand.
A man out shopping bought some new condoms. When he got home his wife noticed the brand.
“Olympic condoms? – What makes them so special?” she asked.
“There are three colors,” he replied, “Gold, silver and bronze.”
“What color are you going to wear tonight?” she asked.
“Gold, of course,” said the man.
“Really?” she said. “Why don’t you wear silver – it would be nice if you came second for a change!”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
What is the difference between a vulture and your mother-in-law?
Vultures wait until your dead to pick on you.
Many a relationship could be thrown a curve ball if women always told the truth in bed. Imagine the revelation…
She: Get off of me, will ya!!
He: Whatsa matter, am I hurting you?
She: No, you’re not hurting me, you’re annoying me.
You think you could hurt me with THAT?!?
A fellow was on his honeymoon near his favorite fishing lake and he would fish from dawn to dark with his favorite fishing guide. One day the guide, friend of many years, mentioned that the honeymoon seemed to be spent fishing.”Yes, but you know how I love to fish…” “But aren’t you newlyweds supposed to be into something else?” “Yes, but she’s got gonorrhea; and you know how I love to fish” A few hours later, “I understand, but that’s not the only way to have sex.” “I know, but she’s got diarrhea; and you know how I love to fish…” The following day: “Sure, but that’s still not the only way to have sex.” “Yeah, but she’s got pyorrhea ; and you know how I love to fish…” Late that afternoon, thoroughly frustrated: “I guess I’m not sure why you’d marry someone with health problems like that.” “It’s ’cause she’s also got worms; and you know I just love to fish…”
Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building — a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself.
Shirley says,” Sophie, you know I’m shy. Why don’t you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely.”
Sophie agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says, “Excuse me, mister. I hope I’m not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely.”
“Of course I’m lonely, he says, “I’ve spent the past 20 years in prison.”
“You’re kidding! What for?”
“For killing my third wife. I strangled her.”
“What happened to your second wife?”
“I shot her.”
“And, if I may ask, your first wife?”
“We had a fight and she fell off a building.”
“Oh my,” says Sophie.
Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells, “Yoo hoo, Shirley. He’s single.”
Four married guys go golfing on Sunday. During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued:First Guy: “Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.”Second Guy: “That’s nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.”Third Guy: “Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.”They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. “You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What’s the deal?”Fourth Guy: “That’s easy! I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a poke. ‘Golf Course or Intercourse?’, I ask. She says, ‘Wear your sweater.'”
A man was traveling down a country road when he saw a large group of people
outside a house. He stopped and asked a person why the large crowd was there.
A farmer replied, “Joe’s mule kicked his mother-in-law and she died.”
“Well,” replied the man, “she must have had a lot of friends.”
“Nope,” said the farmer, “we all just want to buy his mule.”
A wife leaves on a business trip. The next day she receives a telegram from
her husband;
– Where are our utensils?
– You should sleep at home, replies the woman.
Next day – same question, same answer until she returns home.
– Why didn’t you tell me where our utensils are?
– I told you “Sleep home”. She went to the bedroom and lifted the bed cover
and showed them where she had put them.
A man comes home from work, sits in his lazyboy, in front of the TV and rudely tells his wife, “Gimme a beer before it starts”.
She gives him a beer.
About 15 minutes later, he says again, “Gimme a beer before it starts”.
Again, she gives him a beer.
A few minutes later, he asks again for a beer.
“Don’t you think you’re exaggerating? It hasn’t been half an hour that you got here and you already had two beers. I’m getting fed up with this.
The husband looks up and mumbles, “Now it starts . . .