Category: relationships

1. Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he
tries to bring one into the room, scream bloody murder and thrash
on the floor.

2.Go to the mall with your roommate and sit on Santa’s lap.
Refuse to get off.

3. Wear a Santa suit all the time. Deny you’re wearing it.

4. Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth
chanting, “Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming
to town…”

5. Hang mistle-toe in the doorway. When your roommate enters or
leaves the room, plant a wet one on his/her lips.

6. Hang a stocking with your roommates name on it. Collect coal
and sharp objects in it. If s/he asks, say “you’ve been very
naughty this year.”

7. Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain
about how you never get to join in on the reindeer games.

8. Make conversation out of Christmas Carols. (I.E. “You know, I
saw mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistle-toe last
night.”)

9. Wrap yourself in Christmas lights and roll around in the snow.

10. Sing: “All I want for Christmas is my roommate’s two front
teeth…”

11. Give your roommate the gifts from the twelve days of
Christmas song.

12. Build a snowperson with your roommate and place a hat on its
head. When it doesn’t come to life, cry hysterically “it didn’t
work!”

13. Whip your roommate screaming “now Dasher, now Dancer, now
Donner, and Blitzen, etc.”

14. Tear down all your roommate’s Christmas decorations yelling
“Bah Humbug!”

15. Wake up every morning screaming “Ghost of Christmas Future,
please have mercy on my soul!”

16. Tell your roommate you’re moving out. Santa’s buying you a
house on 34th Street.

17. Pin a pointsetta to your lapel.

18. Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and eat the best
parts first.

19. Put on a fake white beard and insist that all your roommate’s
friends “give it a yank.”

20. Ring jingle bells maniacally saying “every time a bell rings
an angel gets his wings.”

21. Stand in front of the mirror reciting “How the Grinch Stole
Christmas” over and over in your underwear.

22. Smoke mistle-toe. Do what comes naturally.

23. Watch your roommate when s/he is sleeping. When s/he wakes up
sing, “he sees you when you’re sleeping…”

24. Steal a life size nativity scene and display it in your room.
When your roommate asks, tell him/her “I had to let them stay
here, there’s no room at the inn.”

25.When your roommate goes to the bathroom, rearrange his/her
possessions. Tell him/her that Santa’s elves must have done it.

A girl goes on a blind date.

The blind date hadn’t been all that great, and she was relieved the evening was finally over.

At her apartment door, her date suddenly said, “Hey! You wanna see my underwear?”

Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the hall, revealing that he wasn’t wearing any underwear.

She glanced down and said, “Nice design – does it also come in men’s sizes?”

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous Chinese detective, Mr. Sui Tansow Pok, to watch and report any activities that might develop. A few days later, he received this report:

Most honorable sir:

You leave house.

He come house.

I watch.

He and she leave house.

I follow.

He and she get on train.

I follow.

He and she go in hotel.

I climb tree-look in window.

He kiss she.

She kiss he.

He strip she.

She strip he.

He play with she.

She play with he.

I play with me.

fall out of tree, not see.

……NO FEE

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Glaci

This guy walks into a bar with a pet rabbit. He put the rabbit on the bar and says “Let me have a scotch and give the rabbit a beer.”

The bartender says “I can give you the scotch but I can’t serve the rabbit a drink, we don’t serve animals here.”

The guy says “You don’t understand, this is a special rabbit.”

The bartender says “What’s so special about it?”

The guy says “This rabbit gives the best blow job in the world, Why don’t you take it into the office and give it a try.”

The bartender takes the rabbit into the office and come out about a half hour later saying “I want this rabbit, it was the best” How much for the rabbit?

The guy says “It’s not for sale.”

The bartender says “I’ll give you $5000.

The guy says “No.”

The bartender go to the safe and pulls out another $5000. and says “Here’s $10,000.

The guy still says no!

The bartender passes the hat in the bar and comes up with another $5000. and says “This is all I got please sell me the rabbit.”

The guys finally agrees.

That night, the bartender takes the rabbit home after closing the bar, walking into the kitchen where his wife is, he shows her the rabbit.

She says “A rabbit, what am I suppose to do with a rabbit?

The bartender says “Teach it how to cook then get the fuck out”

Submitted by Admin
Edited by Curtis

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. “I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family,” said the man. “To show you how much we care for you, I’m making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations.”The son-in-law interrupted, “I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise.””I see,” replied the father-in-law. “Well then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.””I hate office work,” said the son-on-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk all day.””Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just made you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don’t like factories and won’t work in a office. What am I going to do with you?””Easy,” said the young man. “Buy me out.”

The dying man gasped pitifully. “Give me one last request, Lisa,”he said. “Of course, Richard,” she said softly. “Six months after I die, he said, “I want you to marry Big Pete.” “But I thought you hated Big Pete,” she said. With his last breath, Richard said, “I do!”

Over the weekend, Steve bought a new car. He was so excited about it that he had to take a picture of it to bring to work with him to show everyone. The picture was a Polaroid snapshot of his wife sitting in one of the front seats.

Steve crowed as he showed the picture to co-worker Jim, “It’s got power steering, anti-lock brakes, cruise control and a driver’s side air bag.”

Jim squinted at the picture. Having never seen Steve’s wife before, he asked, “Who’s that?”

“Oh,” said Steve with a grin, “another feature, my passenger-side wind bag!”

Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it’s not so hot.

Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up.

The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him.

They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he’d put an end to things by saying boldly, “After our second child, I’ll just have a vasectomy.”

Without a moments hesitation, the bride retorted, “Well, I hope you’ll love the third one as if it’s your own.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

Henry and his over-developed wife were sitting in the stands waiting for the football game to begin. A friend walked over, said, “Hello Henry,” gave Henry’s wife’s breast a little squeeze and walked away.
A few minutes later another guy walked over, said, “Hello Henry,” then, he too, fondled his wife’s breasts and walked on.

This strange sequence of events went on for some time.

Finally a man sitting next to Henry spoke up, “Listen pal, It’s none of my business, but isn’t it a little odd that at least twelve guys came by, said hello to you then grabbed your wife by the breast? What’s the story?”

Henry looked at him and moaned, ” What can I do? If I leave her at home, she sleeps with everybody!”

A man finds a lamp and decides to rub the dust off. Then, you guessed it, a Genie appears.

The Genie tells the man he will grant him three wishes, but everything the man gets, his mother-in-law gets twice.

The man’s first wish is for 10 million dollars.

The Genie reminds the man that his mother-in-law will get 20 million dollars.

The man says, “That’s ok.”

The man’s next wish is for a house by the sea.

Once again, the Genie reminds the man that his mother-in-law will get two houses by the sea; once again, the man says, “That’s okay.”

The man’s last wish is to be beaten half to death!

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis

Mother: What are you doing with that saw and where’s your little brother?
Youngster: He, he, he’s my half-brother now.