Category: relationships

Secret tips for making a marriage last…

My wife and I have the secrets to making a marriage last…

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good
food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays. I go Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida, mine is in NY.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”
“Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!”
So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?”

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said “There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down !”
So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn’t running well, there was water in the carburetor. When I asked where the car was, she told me “In the lake.”

8. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn’t lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!

9. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off…

10. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, “Am I too late for the garbage?”
The driver said, “No, jump in!”

10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.

9. Our love will never become cold and hollow
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

8. I bought this Valentine’s card at the store
In hopes that, later, you’d be my whore.

7. This feels so good, it feels so right
I just wish it wasn’t $250 a night.

6. You’re a woman of style, you’re a woman of class
Especially when I’m spanking, your big-round-fat ass.

5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished
But now I’m fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!

4. Through all the things that came to pass
Our love has grown. . . but so’s your ass.

3. You’re a honey. . . and you’re a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo’s “booty”.

2. I don’t wanna be sappy or silly or corny
So, right to the point, let’s do it, I’m horny!

1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister,
you should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

B – You take my breath away

A – I feel like I’m suffocating

B – She says she loves the way I take control of the situation

A – She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac

B – Saturday Night Fever

A – Monday Night Football

B – He makes me feel like a million dollars

A – If I had a dime for every stupid thing he’s done…

B – The Sound of Music

A – The Sound of Silence

B – It’s like I’m in a dream

A – It’s like he’s in my nightmare

B – $60/dozen

A – $1.50/stem

B – We agree on everything!

A – Doesn’t she have a mind of her own?

B – Charming and Noble

A – Chernobyl

B – Ideal

A – Idle

B – I love a woman with curves

A- I never said you were fat

B – He’s completely lost without me

A – Why won’t he ever ask for directions?

B – Time stood still

A – This relationship is going nowhere

B – Croissant and cappuccino

A – Bagel and instant

B – Blind

A – Nearsighted

B – You look so seductive in black

A – Your clothes are so depressing

B – Oysters

A – Fish sticks

B – I can hardly believe we found each other

A – I can’t believe I ended up with someone like you

Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl’s old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.”On a woman,” the doctor said, “your heart would be just below your left breast.”Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

In the old country, it is a custom for women to enter virginal and sexually ignorant into marriages arranged by their parents.

In one particular case, an attractive young maid, from a very poor family was wed to a well-off, but relatively unattractive businessman.

When the wedding night finally came, the couple, at the bride’s insistence, stayed in a hotel near her family’s home.

Early in the evening, the harried bride came rushing through the door.

“Mother, Mother!” cried the girl, “He says that we should sleep together!”

“It’s alright, girl, married people sleep together. Now go back before he starts to worry about you.”

“Oh.” said the girl, and returned to her husband who had already begun to disrobe. When she saw his hairy chest, she went running back to her mother.

“Mother, mother, he is taking off his clothes, and he is covered in hair!”

“It’s alright girl, men have hair on their bodies, don’t let it bother you… Now, get back their before he starts wondering about you.”

When she returns, she finds the man naked for the first time, and sees that he had part of his right foot amputated. She flees, in fright, back to mom.

“Mother, mother, he only has a foot and a half!”

“Stand back, girl!” says the mother, “This is a job for a real woman!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob went
straight over to Joe’s place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight
to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how
much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he
complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he
loved her.

Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised
that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he’d started this
about 6 months ago, it had revived their marriage and things couldn’t be
better.

Bob thought he’d give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a
massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst
into tears.

Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, “This is the
worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted
his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And
now, you come home drunk!”

A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, it being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire week’s wages.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?” To which he replied, “That would be fine with me.”

Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

James and his wife, Martha, are getting ready to leave home for a vacation.

Martha started out the door, then stopped, turned around, and said, “James, this time you should go check to see if the coffee pot is off, television plugs are pulled, lamp timers are set, thermostat is adjusted, windows are closed and locked, burglar alarm is on, doors are locked, and I’ll go wait in the car and keep blowing the horn.”

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The salesgirl notices him and asks if she can help him.

He answers that he looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he
deposits a huge bag of cotton balls on the counter.

Confused, she says, “Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons
for your wife?”

“You see it’s like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of
tobacco and some rolling papers. So, I figure, she too can roll
her own.”

There was this old guy wandering around in a supermarket calling out at intervals –
“Crisco? Crisco? CRIS–CO!!!!”

Finally a store clerk approached.
“Sir, the Crisco is on aisle five.”
“Oh,” replied the old guy, “I’m not looking for Crisco, I’m calling my wife.”

“Your wife is named “Crisco?”
“Nah,” he answered, “I only call her that when we come to the supermarket.”

“Oh? What do you call her when you are not in the supermarket?”
“Lard Ass!”

The wife comes home from a night at bingo with a new fur coat. She says “Honey, look what I won at bingo”.

Next week she comes home from bingo with a large diamond ring. She says,”Honey look what I won at bingo”.

Next week she come home from bingo driving a new porsche, she says “Honey, look what I won at bingo”.

The next week as she is preparing to get ready for bingo, the husband asks – “Honey shall I draw you a bath?” To which she replies “Why sure”.

As the wife enters the tub she notices there is less than a inch of water in the tub.

She asks “how am I supposed to take a bath in this amount of water?”

To which the husband replies…
“I wouldn’t want you to get your bingo card wet”!

“I hate my mother-in-law,” Larry tells his buddy Harry.
“But without her, you wouldn’t have your wife.”
“And that’s another reason why I hate her�.