Category: relationships

One day grandpa says to grandma “Why don’t we go to the motel like we used to do when we were young and get kinky?”

So they get to the motel and go into the room.

Grandpa takes off his glasses and says he going to get into the shower to freshen up.

In the meantime grandma takes off her clothes and gets into bed.

She decides to do some leg stretches to limber up ( it’s been awhile ).

Well she throws her legs over her head and they get caught in the headboard.

Right then grandpa walks out of the bathroom and sees her that way.

“My God woman” he says “you need to put your teeth in and comb your hair, you look like an asshole!”

Two guys were at a bar talking about how highly their wives thought of them.

The first guy said, “My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won’t let me do any work around the house. It’s incredible!”

The second guy says, “That’s nothing. My wife thinks I’m God!”

“She thinks you’re God? What makes you say that?”

“Easy…Every night she places a burnt offering before me!”

A doctor called up a fellow and said, “Mr. Michaels I have some distressing news. As you know, your wife was in for some blood tests recently.” The guy says, “Yes, that’s right. Is there anything wrong?””Well,” the doctor replies, “here’s the thing. There’s another women who came in for blood tests also and she has the exact same name as your wife. Now, the problem is, I got the results of their tests and one of them has aids and the other has Alzheimer�s.” “Oh, my God,” the man said, “what will I do, doc?””Well, I’ve been giving this some thought,” said the doctor, “and here’s what you do. Take her for a ride out in the country. When you get way out there, throw her out of the car and take off fast.”Then what?” says the distraught man.”Well…if she finds her way home, whatever you do, DON’T FUCK HER!”

One of the reasons that fifty percent of marriages end in divorce is that those men who promised that they’d die for their woman just don’t come through.

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.
–Robin Williams

After his wife gave birth, the panicked Japanese father went to see the obstetrician.

“Doctor,” he said, “I don’t mind telling you, but I’m a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can’t possibly be mine.”

“Nonsense,” the doctor said. “Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors my have contributed red hair to the gene pool.”

“It isn’t possible,” the man insisted. “We’re pure Oriental.”

“Well,” said the doctor, “let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?”

The man seemed ashamed. “I’ve been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice a month.”

“There you have it!” the doctor said confidently. “It’s just rust.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, “You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.”

The husband said, “You are in charge of cooking around here, and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.”

Wife replies, “No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.”

Husband replies, “I can’t believe that, show me.”

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says….”HEBREWS”

Submitted by BreeBrown
Edited by Curtis

The woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend in another city. When she returned, her little boy greeted her by saying, “Mommy, guess what! Yesterday I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and daddy came into the room with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into your bed and then daddy got on top of her…”Sonny’s mother held up her hand. “Not another word. Wait till your father comes home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you’ve just told me.”The father came home. As he walked into the house, his wife said, “I’m leaving you. I’m packing now and I’m leaving you.””But why–” asked the startled father.”Go ahead, Sonny. Tell daddy just what you told me.””Well,” Sonny said, “I was playing in your bedroom closet and daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into bed and daddy got on top of her and then they did just what you did with uncle John when daddy was away last summer.”

What do you do if your boiler explodes?

Buy her some flowers.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

The angry wife met her husband at the door.
There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.

“I assume,” she snarled, “that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o’clock in the morning?!”

“There is,” he replied. “Breakfast!”

An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate’s peg-leg, hook, and eye patch, the seaman asks “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?”

The pirate replies “We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin’ me out, a school of sharks appeared and one of ’em bit me leg off.”

“Blimey!” said the seaman. “What about the hook”?

“Ahhhh…,” mused the pirate, “We were boardin’ a trader ship, pistols blastin’ and swords swingin’ this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off.”

“Zounds!” remarked the seaman. “And how came ye by the eye patch”?

“A seagull droppin’ fell into me eye”, answered the pirate.

“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” the sailor asked incredulously.

“Well…” said the pirate, “…it was me first day with the hook.”

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, “I’m sorry to bother you, but I’m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket.” he man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, “I’ve got a better idea… let’s pretend we’re married.”

“Why not,” giggles the woman.

“Good,” he replies. “Get your own damn blanket.”