Category: relationships

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. “How much is
that Barbie in the window�, he asks the shop assistant.

In a manner she responds, “Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for
$19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95,
Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and
Divorced Barbie for $395.00. ”

The guy asks, “Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others?

� That’s obvious,” the assistant states, “Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s
house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture… “

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his departed mother and started back for his car, parked on the cemetery road. His attention was diverted to a man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity, and kept repeating, “Why did you die? Why did you die?”

The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t want to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of hurt and pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply?

Was it your Child? A parent? Who may I ask, lies in that grave?”

The mourner answered, “My wife’s first husband! … Why did you die? Why did you die?”

Two friends are in a bar moaning about how ugly their wives are.

The first guy says his wife is uglier.

The second says, “Come with me and I’ll show you my wife.”

The two guys head out and get to the other one’s house.

The guy opens the cellar door and says, “Honey could you come up here?”

She says, “Should I put the bag over my head?”

And he replies, “No, I don’t want to fuck you, I just want to show you to someone.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a madding passion for Chile. He loved them, but he always has an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to it. Then one day, he met a young woman and fell in love with her. When evidently they would marry, he thought to himself, she is so sweet and gentle. She will never go for this kind of carrying on. Therefore, he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up the chile. They married thereafter. Some months later, his car broke down on the way home from work and since they lived in the country, he called her and told her that he would be late getting home because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the odor of freshly cooked chile and corn bread was overwhelming.
Since he had several miles to walk, he figured that he would work off the effects before reaching home. Therefore, he stopped at the cafe. Before leaving the cafe, he had eaten three LARGE orders of chile with corn bread. All the way home he farted and farted and after arriving, felt reasonably sure that he had pooted his last. His wife seemed somewhat upset and excited to see him and exclaimed; “Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for dinner tonight.” She then blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the head of the table. He seated himself and just as she was ready to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She made him vow that he would not touch the blindfold until she returned. She then went to answer the phone. Seizing the opportunity, he shifted his weight to one leg and ripped a good one. It was not only LOUD, but also as RIPE as a rotten egg. He took the napkin from his lap and vigorously fanned the air around him. Things were just about to return to normal, when he felt the urge come on again, so he shifted his weight to the other leg and ripped another one again, this was a true prizewinner. It rattled the windows. While keeping his ear on the phone, he went on like this for the next 10 minutes, until he knew the phone farewell suggested the end of his freedom. He placed the napkin in his lap and folded his hands on top of it and smiling contently to himself. He was the perfect picture of innocence.
When his wife returned, she asked if he had peeked and he said no. At this point, she removed the blindfold and revealed to his surprise. .
Twelve dinner guests, who were seated around the table for a birthday party for him!

“Darling,” says a husband coyly to his wife, “let’s swap positions tonight.”

“What a good idea,” she replies. “You stand in front of the sink and do the dishes and I’ll sit in front of the TV and fart.”

A Dr. is walking down through the hall of the hospital toward his office when
he passes Mother Angelica walking very briskly while saying her rosary rather
loudly. His associate, a Psychiatrist, comes around the corner next and he asks
him about this.

“Hey, what’s with Mother Angelica? She was just hoofing down the hall and
saying her rosary to beat the band.”

“Aw, I just told her she was pregnant.”

“My God, is she?”

“No, of course not, but it sure cured her hiccups!”

A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his Wet Willy in a vise. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw.

The man, terrified, screamed, “Stop! Stop! You’re not going to…to…cut it off, are you???!?”

The husband said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, “Nope. You are. I’m going to set the garage on fire.”

Carol was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed
in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. “Listen to
this,” she said. “There’s a classified ad here where a guy is
offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium.”

“Hmmm,” her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.

Teasing him, Carol said, “Would you swap me for a season ticket?”

“Absolutely not,” he said.

“How sweet,” Carol said. “Tell me why not.”

“Season’s more than half over,” he said.

If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye: $500 Porsche! New!

The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but thought it was worth a shot.

So he went to the lady’s house and sure enough, she had an almost brand new Porsche.

“Wow!” the man said. “Can I take it for a test drive?”

Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly and took it back to the lady’s house.

“Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?”

“My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me I could have the house and the furniture as long as I sold his Porsche and sent him the money.”

Name: Last___________First______________ M. Initial_______ Age______

Address: ________________________________County______________________

Religion: ________________________#Attendance’s in the Last Year_____

Parents: Father’s Name________________#Marriages______#Years_________

Address________________________________________________

Mother’s Name_______________#Marriages______#Years_____

Address________________________________________________

1. Do you own or drive a Van? ______________ (If so Please Discontinue
Filling Out Form)

2. In 50 words or less, describe what NO!!!! Means to you_________

__________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________

3. In 50 words or less, describe what LATE!! Means to You_________

__________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________

4. Where would you least like To Be SHOT?_________________________

5. Which is the Last BONE You Want Broken?________________________

6. What do you want to be IF you grow up?_________________________

7. The Place for a WOMAN Is?______________________________________

8. What is MY Daughter’s NAME? ___________________________________

9.Who besides GOD Should YOU FEAR the most? ______________________

Parental Use Only:

Appearance Looks Like:Status:

Mel Gibson ___________Accepted:__________

David Letterman_______Rejected: __________

Pee-Wee Herman________Pending: __________

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied
by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current
medical report from your doctor.

NAME______________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT____________ WEIGHT_____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________

SOCIAL SECURITY #____________________

DRIVERS LICENSE #_______________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES_____________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS__________________________

CITY/STATE___________ ZIP_____

Do you have ONE male and ONE female parent?__________

If NO, explain________________________________________________________

Number of years married________ If less than your age, Explain________

________________________________________________________________

Do you own a van?_____ A truck with oversized tires?_____

A waterbed?_________ A pickup with a mattress in the back?______

A condom?______ Pornography?_______

Do you have earring, nose ring, or a belly button ring?________

A tattoo?___________ (IF YES TO THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND
LEAVE PREMISES)

In 50 words or less, what does DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER, mean to you?
_______________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?
________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your father, mother, and
priest?_____________

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are
confidential. (that means I won’t tell anyone EVER)

The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is
____________________

When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is
______________________

NOTE: if above answer begins with T or A, discontinue. Leaving premises
keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised.

What is the current going rate of a hotel room? _______________________

Condoms come in packages of

A: 3 B: 6 C: 9 D: 12 E: ALL OF THE ABOVE (circle one)

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE
BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE
AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE
AND RED HOT POKERS.

___________________________________________

Signature (that means sign your name)

Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for
processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please
do not try to call or write.

If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman
wearing white ties carrying violin cases (you might watch your back).

A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds, “Wife wanted”.

Next day he received a hundred letters.

They all said the same thing, “You can have mine.”