Category: relationships

How are daughter’s boyfriends like cockroaches?

They hang around the kitchen and it’s hard to get rid of them!

This old couple is ready to go to sleep so the old man lies on the bed but the
old woman lies on the floor. The old man asks, ��why are you going to sleep on
the floor?”

The old woman says, “Because I want to feel something hard for a change.”

A man was approached by co-worker at lunch who invited him out for a few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work. The co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem: “When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife’s panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she’ll never mention that you were out late with the boys.”

So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife’s panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he told he he’d be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom. When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the toliet.

“How did you get in here so fast?” he asked.

“Shhhhh!!!” she replied, “you’ll wake-up my mother!”

A very logical and somewhat cold calculating professor of mathematics sent this fax to his wife:

Dear Wife:

You must realize that now you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18 year old teaching assistant. I’ll be home before midnight.

Your Husband,

Professor Malone

—–

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

—–

Dear Husband:

You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18 year old pool boy. Since you are a mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.

Your Wife,

Some comedy about mother in laws…NOT NECESSARILY THE TRUTH:
* Betty just got back from a pleasure trip, she took her mother-in-law to the
airport.
* Why do mother in laws sit in the back seat of the car? To give the rear
tires more traction.
* One day a wife complained, “This wall clock almost killed my mother today.
If fell only seconds after she got up from the couch.” The husband grunted and
replied, “The darn clock always was slow.”
* Larry’s mother-in-law sleeps with her glasses on. The better to see her
son-in-law suffer in her dreams.
* A mother-in-law dies only when another devil is needed in h*ll.
* Mother-in-law: I baked two kinds of cookies today. Would you like to take
your pick?
Son-in-law: No thanks. I’ll just use the hammer.
* The ultimate in mixed emotions – watching your mother-in-law drive over a
cliff in your brand new Mercedes.

Two women were discussing marriage, and one said, “We’ve been married ten years, and every night my husband has complained about dinner. Not one night without complaining about the food.”

The other woman said, “That’s awful. Doesn’t it bother you?”

The first one replied, “Oh, no. Not in the slightest.”

“You must be a saint!” commented the second.

To which, the first woman replied, “Why should I object? A lot of people don’t like their own cooking.”

In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men.

Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, “Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think us women are week, dumb, cantankerous…or what?”

“Not at all, Ma’am,” the manager replied.

“It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don’t pout when I yell at them.”

Worried about their less than exciting sex life, a young wife sent her husband to a therapist who wound up treating him with self hypnosis.

To her joy, everything got much better.

However, she could not help but notice that each night, early into their lovemaking, the husband would dash out to the bathroom for several minutes.

This tormented her until finally, one night, she followed him.

There, in front of the mirror, she found him applying this therapeutic technique:

“She’s not my wife… She’s not my wife… She’s not my wife…”

WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.

HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

Submitted by sai1ram
Edited by Curtis

Two fellas are fishing in a boat near a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing. The other guy says, “That was touching. I didn’t know you had it in you.”The first guy responds, “Well, I guess it was the thing to do – after all, I was married to her for 40 years.”

On their wedding night, the young bride told her groom, ‘Since we’re married now, we can arrange our sex life like this: In the evening if my hair is done, that means I don’t want sex at all. If my hair is somewhat undone, that means I may or may not have sex. Last…if my hair is completely undone, that means I want sex.’

The groom replied, ‘OK, honey cup. Just make sure that when I come home, I usually have a drink…If I have only one drink, that means I don’t want sex.

If I have two drinks, I may or may not be wanting sex. But if I drink more than two…your hair won’t matter!’

(Age 22)
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates the finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

(Age 32)
1. Nice looking – preferably with hair on his head
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at a restaurant
4. Listens more then he talks
5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times
6. Can carry all the groceries wit hease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal
9. Remembers anniversaries
10. Likes to be romantic at least once a week

(Age 42)
1. Not too ugly- Bald head OK
2. Doesn’t drive off until I’m in the car
3. Works steady- splurges on dinner at McDonald’s on occasion
4. Nods head at appropriate times when I’m talking
5. Usually remembers the punch line of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves on most weekends

(Age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length
2. Doesn’t belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn’t borrow money too often
4. Doesn’t nod off to sleep while I’m emoting
5. Doesn’t re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves on some weekends

(Age 62)
1. Doesn’t scare small children
2. Remembers where the bathroom is
3. Doesn’t require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)
5. Forgets why he’s laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up alone
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers when…

(Age 72)
1. Breathing…..