Category: relationships

Yesterday I bought a coconut for my 16-year-old daughter. I then realized we
have been living too long, to far away from nature.
She said: “This white stuff inside smells like shampoo�.

There’s this guy who’s in the market for a used motorcycle. Always wanted a nice big hog. So he’s shopping around, answering ads in the newspaper,and not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic harley with a “for sale” sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner: “This bike is beautiful!! I’ll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape.”
“Well,” says the seller, “it’s pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it’s going to rain, rub vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you’re buying the bike I won’t need my tube of vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it.” and he hands the buyer a tube of vaseline.

So the guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She’s ecstatic (being a harley fan). That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend’s parents house. See, it’s the first time he’s going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend’s arm.

“Honey,” she says,” I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don’t talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.”

“No problem,” he says. And in they go. The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, a huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he reaches over, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make it on the dinner table. Of course no one says a word.

“Her Mom’s gotta good bod…”, he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend’s Mom and ravishes her right there on the dinner table. Again, no one says a word. Then, the boyfriend notices it starting to rain, he better take care of the motorcycle. He pulls the vaseline from his pocket. The father stands up and shouts:

“All right, I’ll do the f@(#ing dishes!!”

A good husband is the light of his wife’s life. But some wives are getting fed up with seeing their lights go out every night!

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father
goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.
The son comes running up to his mom and says, “Mommy, I saw ladies with
boobies a lot bigger than yours!”
The mom says, “The bigger they are, the dumber they are.”
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says,
“Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy’s!”
The mom says, “The bigger they are, the dumber they are.”
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says,
“Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and
more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!”

Mrs. Hunter was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused because she didn’t believe in capital punishment and didn’t want her personal feelings prevent justice from running its proper course. But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness, and tried to convince her that she should serve on the jury.

“Madam,” he explained, “This is not a murder trial! It’s a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $21,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday.”

“Well, okay,” agreed Mrs. Hunter. “I’ll serve. I suppose I could be wrong about capital punishment after all!”

A woman goes into her lawyers office requesting a divorce. He is
taking all of her background information and asks her, “Do you have
grounds for a divorce?”

To which she replies, “Well, we have three acres.”

“No, ma’am. What I mean is, does he beat you up?” asks the attorney.
“No, I get up around 6:30 and he sleeps until 7:00,” she responds.

Feeling a little frustrated the attorney asks, “Lady, tell me, do you
have a grudge?”
Looking very confident she states, “No, we have a carport.”

At this point the lawyer has lost his patience and asks, “Look, Lady.
Why the heck do you want a divorce?”

“Because he can’t hold an intelligent conversation!”

A guy works a new job on thursday and friday. on monday he calls in and says,
“i can’t come in today. i’m sick.”
he works the rest of the week, but the following monday he calls in and says,
“i can’t come in today. i’m sick.”
the boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, “he’s great. he
does the work of two men. we need him.”
so the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, “you seem to have a
problem getting to work on mondays. you’re a good worker and i’d hate to fire
you. what’s the problem? anything we can help you with? drugs? alcohol?”
the guy says, “no, i don’t drink or do drugs. but my brother-in-law drinks
every weekend, and then beats on my sister. so every monday morning, i go over
to make sure she’s all right. she puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one
thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, i’m f****** her.”
the boss says, “you f*** your sister?”
the guy says, “hey, i told you i was sick�.

*** You just can’t win, and here are the reasons why: ***

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you’re a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework, you’re a pansy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don’t work enough, you’re a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it’s equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it’s sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it’s male indifference.

If you cry, you’re a wimp. If you don’t, you’re insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you’re a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she’s a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy, that’s domination. If she asks you, it’s a favor.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you’re a sexist. If you don’t, you’re unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you’re vain. If you don’t, you’re a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you’re after something. If you don’t, you’re not thoughtful.

If you’re proud of your achievements, you’re up on yourself. If you don’t, you’re not ambitious.

Husband: Let’s go out and have some fun tonight.

Wife: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

Recently a “Husband Shopping Centre” opened in Booragoon, where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; If you went up a floor, you couldn’t go back down except to leave the place, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands…

First floor. The door had a sign saying, “These men have jobs and love kids.” The women read the sign and said, “Well, that’s better than not having a job, or not loving kids, but I wonder what’s further up?” So up they went.

Second floor. The sign read, “These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.” Hmmm, said the ladies. But, I wonder what’s further up?

Third floor. This sign read, “These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework.” Wow! said the women. Very tempting, BUT, there’s more further up! And up they went.

Fourth floor. This door had a sign saying “These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.” “Oh, mercy me. But just think! What must be awaiting us further on!” So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor. The sign on that door said, “This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please!”

Editted by Curtis and Calamjo

Husband: “Want a quickie?”

Wife: “As opposed to what?”

About five years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car. I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30 mph for it to start.
She said fine, hoped into her car and drove off.

I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing.

A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rearview mirror coming at me at about 40 mph, I realized that I should have been a bit clearer with my directions.