Category: relationships

A senior couple pulls up to a gas station:

Attendant: How may I help you?
Old Man: Please fill it up.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man [yelling]: He asked what we wanted and I told him to fill it up.
Attendant: So, where are you heading?
Old Man: To Chicago to see our Grandchildren.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man [yelling]: He asked where we’re going. I told him we’re going to
see the Grand kids.
Attendant: It sure is a nice day for a drive.
Old Man: Yes, it’s been quite pleasant.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man: He said its good weather.
Attendant: Where are you coming from?
Old Man: We started our trip from Pittsburgh.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man: He asked where we’re from and I said Pittsburgh.
Attendant: I dated a girl from Pittsburgh once. She wouldn’t shut up and
was lousy in bed.
Old lady: What did he say?
Old Man: He says he knows you.

The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of hisfront door onto the
porch. Someone called 911.

When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regainconsciousness and asked if
he knew what caused him to faint.

“It was enough to make anybody faint,” he said. “My son asked me for the keys
to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn
mower!”

He who knows nothing, knows nothing. But he who knows he knows nothing knows something. And he who knows someone whose friend’s wife’s brother knows nothing, he knows something. Or something like that.

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he’s been given a
part in the school play. “Wonderful. What part is it?” The boy says, “I play the
part of the Jewish husband.” The mother scowls and says, “Go back and tell the
teacher you want a speaking part.”

Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, “Hey, Dave, how ya doin’?”

His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.

“Oh no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.”

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, “You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.”

“No, honey, she’s in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.”

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. “Hi Davey,” she says, “Want your usual table dance?”

Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.

The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.”

A mother had three daughters and, on their wedding night, she tells each one to write back about their married life.To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to use newspaper advertisements as a ‘code’ to let the mother know how their love lives are going.The first one gets married and the second day the letter arrives with a single message, simply: ‘Maxwell House Coffee’.The mother got the newspaper and checked the Maxwell House advertisement, and it says, ‘Satisfaction to the last drop…’ So the mother is happy.Then the second daughter gets married. After a week, there was a message that read: ‘Rothman’s Mattresses’. So the mother looks at the Rothman’s Mattresses ad, and it says, ‘Full size, king size’. And the mother is happy.Then it comes to the third one’s wedding. Mother is anxious. After four weeks came the message: ‘British Airways’. And the mother looks into the British Airways ad, but this time she fainted.The ad reads: ‘Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways.’

Did the bionic monster have a brother?
No, but he had lots of trans-sisters.

Father says to his son.
– You are mature enough now. I allow you to start smoking if you want to.
– Thanx dad, I’ve quit two years ago.

A 2nd grader comes home from school one day and tells her mom, “Today I
learned how to make babies!” The mother was aghast and sent the girl upstairs to
her room until the father came in. After he had talked to the daughter he told
his wife, ‘Yeah, she told me you just drop the Y and add IES.”

One way to live together and never have an argument is for both husband and wife to be hard-of-hearing…
and to share the same hearing aid.

A couple decided to Alaska for a romantic weekend. When they got to the cabin it was cold so the wife asked her husband to go chop some wood for that fire place.

He came in after 5 minutes and told his wife that his hands were cold, so she said her put your hands between my thighs to warm them.

So he did and went back outside to finish chopping wood. He came in after another 5 minutes and said ” honey my hands are cold again”.

So she tells him here put your hands between my thighs to warm them. So he did and then he went back out to chop some more wood.

5 minutes has passed and he went in again and said, “honey my hands are cold again”.

She then said, ” Damn don’t your ears ever get cold?”

Yesterday I bought a coconut for my 16-year-old daughter. I then realized we
have been living too long, to far away from nature.
She said: “This white stuff inside smells like shampoo�.