Category: relationships

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, “Honey, I know we’ve been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce.”

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.

She then says, “I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it, because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he’s a better lover than you.”

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.

She says, “I want the house.” Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

She says, “I want the kids too.” The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he’s up to 80 mph. She says, “I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too.” The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, “Is there anything you want?” The husband says, “No, I’ve got everything I need right here.”

She asks, “What’s that?”

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph… “I’ve got the airbag!”

Fred: My brother wants to work badly.
Harry: As I remember, he usually does.

A woman, completely fed up with her husbands AOL obsession finally takes matter into her own hands. One night as he is sitting at the computer, she goes into the bedroom, takes off all her clothes, puts on a full length fur coat and she posts herself between her husband and his monitor. She pulls open the jacket and yells, “Time for Super Sex”!!!!!. He ignores her. So, she repeatedly yells, “Super Sex” “Super Sex” “Super Sex”. Finally, he replies, “Ok, I’ll take the soup.”

There was a man who was throwing a party at his house when suddenly and unexpectedly the devil showed up.

All of the people at the party started running out of the house except for the one man who was throwing the party.

The devil asked the man, “Why aren’t you running away like the rest of those fools?”

The ran replied, “Are you kidding? Why should I?

I’ve been married to your sister for 28 years!”

A middle-aged man and woman met, fell in love and got married.

On their wedding night they settled into the bridal suite and the wife said to her new husband, “Please promise to be gentle. I’m still a virgin.”

“But how can that be?” the startled husband said. “You’ve been married three times before.”

“Well,” she explained, “my first husband was a psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.

My second husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.

And my third husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was…. God, I miss him!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown

What is the difference between ‘like’ and ‘love’? Answer: spit and swallow!

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she’ll see him later, and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, “Who was that??!!”

“Oh” replies the husband, “that was my mistress.” “That’s it,” says the wife, “I want a divorce.”

“Ok,” replies her husband, “but remember, if you get a divorce there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But, the decision is yours.”

Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. “Who is that woman with Jim?” she asks.

“That’s his mistress,” replies her husband. “Ours is much better looking.” says the wife.

Alimony:

1) A contraction of the term “all-his-money”.

2) A splitting headache.

3) It’s the screwing you get, for the screwing you got.

4) Paying for something you don’t get.

5) That’s the same as buying corn for somebody else’s cow.

6) The high cost of leaving.

7) The last laugh.

8) The wife cries and the judge wipes her tears with the husband’s checkbook.

9) Buying oats for a runaway horse.

10) A woman’s cash surrender value.

11) The billing minus the cooing.

Divorce: When your wife stops screwing you, and her lawyer starts.

Experience: What a man gets in exchange for alimony.

Marriage: Why make one man so miserable, when you can make so many, so happy.

What is the definition of a faithful husband?
One who’s alimony checks arrive on time.

He is so rich, he is ahead in his alimony payments.

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up.

Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, “Doctor, I haven’t had sex for years now, and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.”

The doctor smiled and said, “Have you tried to give him Viagra?”

The lady frowned. “Doctor, I can’t even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,” she claimed.

“Well,” the doctor continued, “let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won’t notice a thing.”

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor’s office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

“How did it go?” the doctor asked.

“Terribly, doctor, terribly.”

“Did it not work?”

“Yes,” the old lady said, “It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I’d had in 25 years.”

“Then what is the problem, ma’am?”

“Well,” she said. “I can’t ever show my face in McDonald’s again.”

The man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, “Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me?”

“Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you’re just lazy.”

“Okay,” said the man. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”

What is the best way to annoy your wife/husband during sex?

Call her/him on the telephone!

A senior couple pulls up to a gas station:

Attendant: How may I help you?
Old Man: Please fill it up.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man [yelling]: He asked what we wanted and I told him to fill it up.
Attendant: So, where are you heading?
Old Man: To Chicago to see our Grandchildren.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man [yelling]: He asked where we’re going. I told him we’re going to
see the Grand kids.
Attendant: It sure is a nice day for a drive.
Old Man: Yes, it’s been quite pleasant.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man: He said its good weather.
Attendant: Where are you coming from?
Old Man: We started our trip from Pittsburgh.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man: He asked where we’re from and I said Pittsburgh.
Attendant: I dated a girl from Pittsburgh once. She wouldn’t shut up and
was lousy in bed.
Old lady: What did he say?
Old Man: He says he knows you.