Category: relationships

Q – Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A – Under the vacuum cleaner.

Then there was a man who said, “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married and then it was too late.”

Th word divorce comes from the latin, meaning to rip off a mans genitals through his wallet

One evening a husband comes home to his apartment very roughed up.

When his wife sees him she asks, “What happened to you?”

“I got into a fight with the apartment manager.”

“Whatever for?”

“He said he had slept with every woman in the complex except one!”

The woman replied, “I bet it’s that snooty Mrs. Gellar on the third floor.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing

A rural couple had made sacrifices to save money to send their only son to
college. Once there, he began to grown long sideburns, a mustache, and a goatee.
When his facial hair was luxurious enough to satisfy him, he had his photograph
taken and mailed it home with a note that read: “Fascinating, no? Don’t I
perhaps look like a count?”
“You idiot!” His father wrote back. “Here we are spending a fortune on your
education and you can’t even SPELL!”

“Come on, Steve,” one guy said to another at the gym, “your wife is not as bad as you say. What would you do if you found another man in bed with her?”

“I’d break his white cane and shoot his dog.”

Mrs. Whembleton decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, “Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant.”

“But, Madam, you are not wearing any of those things.”

“True enough,” said Mrs. Whembleton. “If I should predecease my dear husband I know he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go stark raving mad looking for the jewelry!”

Husband: “Honey, why do you usually answer me back with a question when I ask you?”

Wife: “Is that what I do?”

After dinner and a movie, Carl drove his date to a quiet country road and made his move. When Mary responded enthusiastically to his kissing, he tried sliding his hand up her blouse. Suddenly, she jerked away, got out of the car is a hurry, and ran home. Later that night, she wrote in her diary, ‘A girl’s best friends are her own two legs.’

On their next date, Carl returned to the country road. As they were kissing passionately, Carl slid his hand up Mary’s skirt. Once again, she pulled away, got out of the car, and hurried home. Later that night, she wrote in her diary, ‘I repeat, a girl’s best friends are her own two legs.’

On the third date, the pair returned to the country road. This time, Mary didn’t get home until very late. That night, she wrote in her diary, ‘There comes a time when even the best of friends must part.’

A father and his son were in the backyard trying to fly a kite. The boy held the kite up and the father ran pulling the string. The kite would go up in the air ten or eleven feet and flutter to the ground. Several tries and the same thing kept happening.The wife was watching this from the kitchen window and she stepped to the door and called to her husband: ‘Honey, what you need is more tail.”I know, I know’ replied the husband. ‘That’s what I told you last night and you told me to ‘go fly a kite’.’

The other night I was invited out for a night with “the boys”. I
told my wife that I would be home by midnight ..promise!

Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy.
At around 2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just
as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up
and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, I realized she’d probably wake up, so I cuckooed
another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a
quick-witted solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible
conflict.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told
her twelve o’clock. She didn’t seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got
away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked
her why, she said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three
times, then said “oh shit,” cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more,
and then farted.”

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got
back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, “How was
the honeymoon?”

“Oh, mama,” she replied, “the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic…”
Suddenly she burst out crying. “But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam
started using the most horrible language…things I’d never heard before!
I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You’ve got to come get me and take
me home…. Please mama!”

“Sarah, Sarah,” her mother said, “calm down! Tell me, what could be so
awful? What 4-letter words?”

“Please don’t make me tell you, mama,” wept the daughter, “I’m so
embarrassed they’re just too awful! Come get me, please!” “Darling, baby,
you must tell me what has you so upset…. Tell your mother these horrible
4-letter words!”

Still sobbing, the bride said, “Oh, mama…words like DUST, WASH, IRON,
COOK…!”