Category: relationships

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”

She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”

“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”

“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.

“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”

“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”

He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”

“No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”

“Please,” he tried again, “Is there any infidelity in your marriage?”

“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.”

“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”

“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”

“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later,
“Da-ad…” “What?” “I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of
water?” “No. You had your chance. Lights out.” Five minutes
later… “Da-aaad….” “What??” “I’m Thirsty!Can I have a drink
of water?” “I told you NO! If you ask again I’ll have to spank
you!” Five minutes later……”DAAAA-AAAAD……” “WHAT!!” “When
you come in to spank me…can you bring a drink of water?”

********************

One summer evening, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was
tucking a small boy into bed. As she was about to turn off the
light he asked with a tremor in his voice, “Mommy, will you
sleep with me tonight?” The mother smiled and gave him a
reassuring hug. “I can’t dear,” she said ” I have to sleep in
Daddy;s room.” A long silence was broken at last by his shaky
little voice: “The big sissy.”

********************

During the Sunday morning service all the children were invited
to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly
pretty dress, and as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and
said “That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?” The
little girl replied, directly into the pastors clip-on
microphone, “Yes, and my mommy says it’s a bitch to iron.”

********************

Finding one of her students making faces at the others on the
playground, Mrs. Smith stopped quickly to reprove the child.
Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, “Bobby, when I was a child, I
was told tha if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and it would
stay like that.” Bobby looked up and replied, “Well, Mrs. Smith,
you can’t say you weren’t warned.”

A man comes to a magician and asks: “Can you take away the most horrible
conjure?” “What kind of conjure and who has done it?” “It was the witch who said
30 years ago: “And now you are a husband and a wife” “

“So you think you could end all unemployment, do you?” asked the interviewer.
“And how, if I may be so bold to inquire?”

“Why, I’d put all the men on one island and all the women on another.” replied Paddy.

“And what would they be doing then?”
“Building boats!”

A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex.

He asked, “How often should you have it?”

His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time, and maybe do it several times a day.

Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so.

Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month.

When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year, maybe on your anniversary.

The young fellow then asked his grandfather, “Well how about you and grandma now?”

His grandfather replied, “Oh, we just have oral sex now.”

“What’s oral sex?” the young fellow asked.

“Well,” grandpa said, “she goes to bed in her room, and I go to bed in my room.

And she yells, ‘Fuck you’, and I holler back, ‘Fuck you too.’ “

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

Many years ago, this man decided to go to a masked orgy with the
knowledge that his wife would probably be out of town. Having
not been to one since his bachelor party many years ago, he was
excited and nervous. He eventually dressed as a knight, and
arrived with high hopes.

When the man arrived, he saw that he was the only one dressed as
anything like what he was, so he was naturally embarassed.
However, the women were all over him, thinking that his costume
was so cute. One woman in particular was hanging around him.
Dressed in a raccoon costume, an old fetish of his for fur
attracted him to her.

“I hope you don’t mind my costume,” she said. “Don’t worry, I
have a thing for fur,” replied the man. “Do you want to go to
bed?” he added. The woman said, “Yep, my husband doesn’t need to
know about this.” To this, the man said, “Yeah, I cheat on my
wife all the time, and ignorance is bliss.”

The two people went into a back room and started going at it in
their costumes. They then went their separate ways for awhile
and enjoyed the party. Two hours later, the man approached the
woman.

“I had so much fun tonight… do you want to do it again
sometime?” he asked. “Of course!” replied the excited woman,
“here’s my phone number… be careful about my husband.” She
proceeded to give him his phone number.

The man bit his lip. “That can’t be. That’s MY phone number.
Unless… HOLY SHIT, YOU’RE MY WIFE!”

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?”

“Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life,” her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, “So, why’s the groom wearing black?”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis

He Said…She Said:

He said… I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.
She said…You wear briefs, don’t you?

He said… Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said…Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

He said… “This coffee isn’t fit for a pig!”
She said…”No problem, I’ll get you some that is.”

She said…What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said… It’s not my fault…I ran out of money.

He said… Since I first laid eyes on you, I’ve wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said…Well, you succeeded.

Priest… ‘I don’t think you will ever find another man like your late husband.’
She said…’Who’s gonna look?’

He said… You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man?
She said…No, have you?

He said… Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?
She said…Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.

He said… What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said…Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

He said… Let’s go out and have some fun tonight.
She said…Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

What food makes women not want to have sex?

Wedding Cake.

It’s after dinner when a man realizes he’s out of cigarettes.

He decides to pop down to the local bar for a pack, telling his wife he’ll be right back.

He’s persuaded by the bartender to share a cold one. As he’s nursing it a gorgeous blond comes in the door, but he looks the other way.

She comes over and sits down. One thing leads to another and she invites him home.

Back at her place they screw like rabbits until the next thing he knows it’s four o’clock in the morning. Jumping out of bed, he shakes the woman awake, asking if she has any baby powder.

“In the bathroom cabinet” she says.

He dusts his hands, drives home at ninety, and pulls into the driveway to find his wife waiting up for him, rolling pin in hand.

“So where the hell have you been?” she screams.

“Well, you see honey,” he stammers, “I only went out for cigarettes, but Jake offered me a beer and then this beautiful blonde walked in and we got to talking and drinking and I ended up back at her place making love…”

“Wait a minute” snapped his wife, “let me see your hands.” Turning on him furiously, she says, “Don’t lie, you rotten little shit…you’ve been bowling again!”

A small boy walks into his mother’s room and catches her topless.
“Mommy! Mommy! What are those?” He says, pointing to her breasts.
“Well, son,” she explains, “These are ballons, and when you die, they inflate
and float you up to heaven.
Incredibly, he appears to believe his mother’s story and goes off, quite
satisfied.
A few days later, the little boy comes running home to get his mother from the
kitchen.
Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Jenny is dying the boy screams.
What do you mean?” his mother asks.
Well, she’s out in the garden shed, lying on the floor with both of her
balloons out, and Dad’s trying to blow ’em up for her and she keeps yelling
‘God, I’m coming!!'”.

A married man left work early on a Friday. Instead of going home, however, he squandered the entire weekend (and his paycheck) partying with the boys.When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his furious wife. After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for a couple of days?””That would suit me just fine” he replied.Monday went by, and the man didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went, with the same result. Come Thursday, the swelling had gone down a bit and he could see her, just a little, out of the corner of his left eye.