Great Pick Up Lines!

I wish I was one of your tears, so I could be born in your eye, run down your cheek, and die on your lips.

Did you know they changed the alphabet? They put U and I together.

Can I borrow that quarter, ’cause my mom told me to call home when I fell in love

What’s wrong? You’re looking a little sad and gloomy. What you need is some vitamin me.

Are your legs tired? ’cause you been running through my mind ALL day long.

Are you lost? ’cause it’s so strange to see an angel so far from heaven.

Is your father a thief? ’cause he stole the sparkle from the stars, and put it in your eyes. (yo, watch out though, and be prepared with a snappy answer just in case she says ‘yes’)

Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I have to walk by you again?

What’s that in your eye? Oh…it’s a sparkle.

If I said you were an angel, would you treat me like the devil tonight?

Can I see that label? I just wanted to know if you were made in heaven.

Do you like raisins? How about a date?

So… How am I doin’?

I miss my teddy bear…Would you sleep with me?

You look great and all, but do you know what’d really look good on you? Me.

Could I get some directions? (“To where?”) To your heart.

Is it hot in here, or is it just you?

If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

Look at you, with all those curves, and me with no brakes.

Can I flirt with you?

Hi, my name’s _____, but you can call me “lover”.

(another quarter line). Could I borrow a quarter? ’cause I just want to call your mother and thank her.

(lick your finger and then touch her shirt). Here, let me help you out of those wet clothes.

What do you like for breakfast?

Say, did we go to different schools together?

Hi, my name is _____, how do you like me so far?

(At the copy machine) Reproducing, eh? Can I help?

Woman asks, “Excuse me, do you have the time?” You : “Do you have the
energy?”

You look like the type of girl that’s heard every line in the book. So what’s one more?

Hi, I make more money than you can spend.

I’m new in town…could you give me directions to your apartment?

I think you’re the most beautiful girl I’ve seen…on a Wednesday

I know this is going to sound like a line, but did that sound like a line? Are you disappointed?

I know I don’t look like much now, but I’m drinking milk.

Do you have a map? I just got lost in your eyes.

Are you religious? Good, cause I’m here to answer your prayers.

Did it hurt? (Did what hurt) When you fell out of heaven.

Inheriting 80 million doesn’t mean much when you have a weak heart.

I lost my phone number, can I borrow yours?

If your parents hadn’t met, I’d be a very unhappy man right now.

Do you drink milk? It sure did your body good.

Smoke after sex

A young couple had been married for a couple of weeks. The man was always after his wife to quit smoking.

One afternoon, she lit up after some lovemaking.

He said, “You really ought to quit.”

She, tired of his nagging, said, “I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex.”

He replied, “But they stunt your growth.”

She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he never had.

Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, “So, what’s your excuse?”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

The 4th affair

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

“Certainly Sir, that’ll be 1 cent”.

“ONE CENT?” exclaimed the man.

The barman replied “Yes”.

So the man glances over at the menu and asks, “Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas and a fried egg?”

“Certainly, Sir” replies the barman, “but that comes to real money.”

“How much money?” inquires the man. “4 cents” he replied.

“FOUR CENTS?” exclaims the man. “Where’s the guy who owns this place?”

The barman replies, “Upstairs, with my wife.”

The man says, “What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?”

The bartender replies, “The same thing I’m doing to his business!!”

Submitted by Admin
Edited by Calamjo

20 year anniversary

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

“What’s the matter, dear?”, she whispers as she steps into the room, “Why are you down here at this time of night?”.

The husband looks up from is coffee, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?” he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. “Yes I do” she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. “Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?”

“Yes, I remember” said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued… “Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'”

“I remember that too” she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said…”I would have gotten out today.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman, Tantilazing and Curtis again

Tell Me

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.

The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife . . .
“Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our 10th child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?”

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye.
She paused for moment and then confessed. “Yes. Yes he did.”

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”

Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. then, finally, she says. . . . . . . “You.”

Doctor’s Affair

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse.
Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant.

Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

“But how will I let you know the baby is born?”she asked. He replied, “Just send me a postcard and write “spaghetti” on the back. I’ll take care of expenses.”

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor’s wife called him at the office and said, “Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don’t understand what it means.”

The doctor said, “Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you”. Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack.

Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read, “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti – Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.”

Many Uses of Hairspray

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, ‘Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole. ‘The grandfather replies, ‘I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t. It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole. ‘The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says, ‘Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars. ‘The grandfather replies, ‘I know. That’s from your grandma.’

Divorce

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”

She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”

“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”

“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.

“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”

“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”

He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”

“No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”

“Please,” he tried again, “Is there any infidelity in your marriage?”

“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.”

“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”

“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”

“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis