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The research worker, conducting a sex survey, phoned one of the husbands whose completed form was spread out before him.
“Mr Pullman, there seems to be some discrepancies between the answers of you and your wife to the same question. For example, under ‘Frequency of Intercourse you wrote ‘Three times a week and your wife ‘Three times a night.”
“Well, that’s right,” replied the husband, “but that’s only until we have paid off the mortgage on the house.”
A couple were celebrating their Golden Wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of the long and happy marriage.
‘Well, it dates back to our honeymoon,’ explained the husband. ‘We visited the Grand Canyon and took at trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn’t gone too far when my wife’s mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, “That’s once.” We proceeded a little further when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, “That’s twice.” We hadn’t gone half a mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife took her little Derringer pistol out of her pocket and shot the mule.
�I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, “That’s once.”�
A husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, ”When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads, ‘Here Lies My Wife – As Cold As Ever’.”
”Yeah” she replies, ”When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads, ‘Here Lies My Husband – Stiff At Last.”’
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn’t help noticing how beautiful John’s roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom’s thoughts, John volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates.” About a week later, Julie came to John and said, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. “You don’t suppose she took it, do you?” Julie said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure.” So he sat down and wrote: “Dear Mother, I’m not saying you ‘did’ take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you ‘did not’ take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.” Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: “Dear Son, I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Julie, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom”
Standing at the edge of the lake, a fisherman saw a woman flailing about in
the deep water. Another man was standing on the shore screaming for help.
The fisherman ran over to the man. “Help!” the other man started, “I can’t
swim! My wife’s drowning! I’ll give you $1000 if you save her!”
The fisherman jumps in the water, swims powerfully out to the drowning woman,
puts his arm around her, and swims back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of
the man, the fisherman coughs up water, then says, “[cough] ok, bud, where’s my
‘grand’?”
“But, this is my *mother-in-law*!”
The fisherman reaches into his pocket with a frown and says, “Just my luck.
Ok, how much do I owe you?”
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to
kiss each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little
horny.
With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the
wall and, smiling, he says to her, “Darling, would you give me a
blowjob?”
Horrified, she replies, “Are you mad? My parents will see us!”
Him: “Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?”
Her: “No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?
Him: “Oh come on! There’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!”
Her: “No way. It’s just too risky!”
Him (horny as hell): “Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?”
Her: “No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can’t!”
Him: “Oh yes you can. Please?”
Her: “No, no. I just can’t”
Him: “I beg you…”
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl’s
little sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in
a sleepy voice she says, “Dad says to go ahead and give him a
blowjob. Otherwise I can do it. Or if need be, dad says he can
come down himself and do it. But for God’s sake tell him to take
his hand off the intercom!”
there once was a guy named Jimmy and he was dating a girl named Loraine. well a while later when Jimmy was losing interest in their relationship, he met a girl named Cleary. well when the time came jimmy was going to tell loraine about cleary, he took her on a walk along the beach. as they made it a ways down the beach, a huge wave swallowed loraine into the ocean never to be seen again. Jimmy was so relieved he didnt have to tell Loraine about cleary. He Skipped the rest of the way down the beach singing…”I can see Clearly now Loraine is gone…”
There once was this perfect couple. They decided to get married. They had a perfect wedding and a perfect honeymoon. One day this perfect couple went out for a drive. The perfect couple got in an accident with another car.
They were trying to figure out who was responsible for the accident. The victoms were the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, The Perfect Man, and The Perfect Woman.
Now who caused the accident. Well we all know which ones don’t exist. So who does that leave.
If it is the perfect woman maybe they aren’t so perfect after all.
Gravely ill, the Skipper was examined by a doctor while his wife stood by.
After the examination the physician motioned for her to meet him in the hallway. “Your husband is very sick,” the doctor said. “Still, you can do three things to ensure his survival.
First, fix him three healthy meals a day.
Next, give him a stress-free environment and don’t complain about anything.
Finally, have sex and oral sex with him every day.”
The doctor left and the woman returned to her husband’s room.
“What did the doctor say?” he asked.
“I’m sorry, m’dear,” she said, “but he said you’re not going to make it.”
A husband and wife are celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night the
wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same sexy little negligee
she wore on their wedding night. She looks at her husband and says,
“Honey, Do you remember this?”
He looks up at her and says, “Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee
the night we were married.”
She says, “Yes, that’s right. Do you remember what you said to me that
night?”
He nods and says, “Yes dear, I still remember.”
“Well, what was it?” she asks.
He responds, “Well honey, as I remember, I said, ‘Ohhhhhhhhh Baby, I’m
going to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your brains out!'”
She giggles and says, “Yes honey, that’s it. That’s exactly what you said.
So, now it’s 50 years later, I’m in the same negligee I wore that night.
What do you have to say tonight?”
Again he looks up at her and looks her up and down and replies, “Mission
Accomplished.”
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary. The husband decides to give his wife a gift, a tombstone, with the inscription: “Here lies my wife…..cold as ever”Later the furious wife bought a return present, a tombstone with the inscription: “Here lies my husband…..stiff at last”
A middle age couple was really having a hard time communicating about sex.
To fix this problem they agreed to seek advice.
When they went to the shrink he told them that they had to give each other clearer signs and maybe they sould be more open about it.
When they came home the wife told her husband that when ever he wanted to have sex he should squeeze her breasts once and when he didn’t to squeeze them twice.
The man agreed, and then told his wife that when she wanted to have sex she should pull on his penis once, and when she didn’t to pull it 150 times.