Elementary Banana

“Good evening ladies”, Sherlock Holmes said as he passed three women eating bananas on a park bench.

“Do you know them?” Dr. Watson asked.

“No”, Holmes replied, “I’ve never met the nun, the prostitute or the bride we just passed.”

“Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world did you know all that?”

“Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun ate the banana by holding it one hand and using the fingers of the other hand to properly break the fruit into small pieces.”

“The prostitute”, he continued, “grabbed with both hands and crammed the whole thing into her mouth.”

“Amazing!” Watson exclaimed. “But how did you know the third was a newlywed?”

“Because she held it one hand and pushed her head toward it with the other.”

Wedding practical joke

Do you already have a child?During the wedding ceremony, when the minister/preacher/priest comes to the part about, “If anyone has any reason why these two people should not marry, speak up now or forever hold your peace…” have this four-to-six year old boy running up the aisle yelling, “Daddy, daddy.” I understand from a friend who played this joke on a relative that it took almost an hour to get the wedding started again.

Sudden Change In Fashion

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a somewhat conservative fellow, so naturally he’s curious about the sudden change in fashion sense. The man walks up to his co-worker and says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.”

“Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring,” he replies sheepishly.

“Well, I’m curious,” begged the man, “how long have you been wearing an earring?”

“Er, ever since my wife found it in our bed.”

Who is the boss

Bill walks into a bar and finds his friend Joe sitting on a stool.

“Joe,” Bill said, “I’m glad to see that your wife finally let you out of the house.”

“Things have been different with my wife,” Joe said. “In fact, just the other day, I decided to show her who was the boss.”

“How did you do that?” asked Bill.

“I simply said to her, Mabel, we are going to have it out right now, and I am going to show you who is the boss in this relationship’.”

“What happened?”

“Well I don’t want to brag, but I managed to get her on her hands and knees.”

“How did you do that?”

“I was hiding under the bed at the time.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Editted by Lol_Girl_72

Zebra

there this french guy and theres this girl and she said you have to at lest now 3 words in english so there at the airport and he heard take-off so thats one word he said to him self so they went to the zoo and he heard baby zebra so thats 3 words he gos the the girl and he said the word take off z bra baby

Mother in law jokes

I know a mother-in-law who sleeps in her spectacles, the better to see her son-in-law suffer in her dreams. – Attributed to Ernest Coquelin However much you dislike you mother-in-law you must not set fire to her. – Ernest Wild Distrust all mothers-in-law. They are completely unscrupulous in what they say in court. The wife’s mother is always more prejudiced against the husband than even the most ill-treated wife. If I had my way, I am afraid I would abolish mothers-in-law entirely. – Sir Geoffrey Wrangham Behind every successful man stands a devoted wife and a surprised mother-in-law. Adam and Eve were the happiest and the luckiest couple in the world, because neither of them had a mother-in-law. Sometimes you cannot tell if a man is trying so hard to be a success to please his wife or to spite his mother-in-law. Does it really surprise anyone that Mother-in-Law’s Day occurs less than one week before Halloween? My mother-in-law was bitten by a dog yesterday. How is she now ? She’s fine. But, the dog died. Hello. Your mother-in-law fell into my pool with crocodiles. The crocodiles are yours, so you save them. A pharmacist tells a customer: In order to buy arsenic you should need a legal prescription. A picture of your mother-in-law just isn’t enough. Mother to daughter: Your boyfriend such a jerk that I would be delighted to be his mother-in-law. A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said, ”Darling, its my mothers birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She would like something electric.” The husband replied, ”How about a chair?!?” The doorbell rang this morning. When I opened the door there was my mother-in-law on the front step. She said ”Can I stay here for a few days?” I said: ”Sure you can.” and shut the door in her face. I used to not get on with my mother-in-law, but over the last few months I’ve developed quite an attachment for her. It goes over her head and a strap comes down under her chin to keep her mouth shut!

The Bus Bench

There were three guys waiting for a bus on a bench when the first guy farts,
‘WHOOOSSHHHHH….’

No one brought attention to it. Then suddenly the second guy farts,
‘WHOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHH……..’

Again, no one thought anything of it until the third guy let one,
‘PPPPPPPPUUUUUUHHHHHHHH…’

The first two guys then looked at the third guy and simultaneously said, “STRAIGHT.”

More Pick Up Lines

1. I want you almost as much as I want world peace.

2. You can forget about going to heaven because it’s sin to look that good.

3. We both know that I am going to follow you home anyway, so why don’t you just come along peacefully?

4. I envy your lipstick.

5. I just want to be loved – is that so wrong?

6. You remind me of an ice cold Pepsi – I’ve just gotta have it.

7. Do you believe in the hereafter? Good, then you know what I’m here after.

8. If I had eleven roses and you, I’d have a dozen.

9. Baby, you look so sweet you’re giving me a cavity.

10. Is it me or am I gorgeous?

11. I’d even marry your dog just to be related to you.

Terms of Endearment!

Bernie was invited to his friend’s home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, “That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names.”

Morris hung his head and whispered –
“To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago!”