Category: relationships

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband’s best friend.

They “entertain themselves” for hours, and afterwards, while they’re just laying there, the phone rings.

Since it’s her house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover watches her and listens intently, only hearing her side of the conversation.

Speaking in a cheery voice, she says, “Hello? Oh, hi! I’m so glad that you called. Really? That’s wonderful. I am so happy for you!

That sounds terrific! Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye, bye.”

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, “Who was that?”

“Oh,” she replies, “that was my husband. He was telling me all about the wonderful time he’s having on his fishing trip with you.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

Dear Tech Support:

I am desperate for some help. I recently upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected child processing and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources. This wasn’t mentioned in the product brochure.

In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialisation where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Boys Night Out 2.5, and Golf 5.3 no longer run and crash the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate Sunday Football 6.3 always fails but Saturday Shopping 7.1 runs instead. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favourite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 but de-install doesn’t work on this program.

Can you please help!
Joe.

Dear Joe,

This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding.

Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Whereas Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its creator to run everything.

You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0 as Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this and it is impossible to de-install, delete or purge the program files from the system once installed.

Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0, but have
ended up with even more problems. (See in manual under Alimony/Child Support and Solicitors Fees). Having Wife 1.0 installed myself I recommend you keep it installed and deal with the difficulties as best you can.

When any faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the C: IAPOLOGISE program and avoid attempting to use the *Esc-key. It may be necessary to run C: I APOLOGISE a number of times, but hopefully eventually the operating system will return to normal.

Wife 1.0 although a very high maintenance program can be very rewarding. To get the most out of it consider buying additional software such as Flowers 2.0 and Chocolates 5.0.

Do not under any circumstances install Secretary (Short Skirt version) as this is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly crash.

Best of luck!
Tech Support

Retirement means twice as much husband for half as much money.

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says “Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust-line forty four”.

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her boobs grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what has happened, and in minutes they both return.

This time the husband crosses his fingers and says: “Mirror mirror on the door, make my “manhood” touch the floor!”. Again, there’s a bright flash and both his legs fall off.

Jack was going to get married to Jill, so his father set him down for a pre-wedding chat.

He says, “Jack, let me tell you something, on my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, ‘Try these on.’ She did and said, ‘These are too big, I can’t wear them.’ So, I replied ‘Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.’ Ever since that night we have never had any problems.”

“Hmmm,” says Jack. He thinks that might be a good idea.

So, on his honeymoon he takes off his pants and hands them to Jill saying, “Try these on.”

Jill says, “These are too big, they won’t fit me.”

Jack says, “Exactly, I wear the pants in this family, and don’t you forget it.”

Jill then takes off her pants and hands them to Jack. She tells him, “Put these on.”

He looks at her and says, ” I can’t possibly get into your pants.”

She smirks at him and says, “And if you don’t change your attitude you never will!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

“Doctor – I think my prick is too small.”

“Do you drink?”

“Yes, Lager,”

“Aaaahhh. There’s your problem. It shrinks things, Lager. You should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow.”

… Two months later …

“From your smile I take it you now drink Guinness?”

“No – I’ve got the wife on Lager!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

A couple has a whirlwind, 30 day romance and even though they don’t know too much about each other, they decide to get married.

After a couple weeks, the husband says, “Honey, I have something I have to tell you. I’m a golf fanatic and I must play every day.”

“I also need to tell you something,” she replies. “I’m a hooker, and I need to do it every day.”

“That’s OK,” he said, “we’ll just play dog leg lefts.”

This husband comes home from a hard day at work and his wife says

“Honey, can you fix the sink? It’s clogged.”

The husband is very tired and replies:

“Who do you think I am, a Plumber?”

So, the husband goes on for the rest of the day without a single
word from his wife. Right after dinner he gets asked again:
“Honey , can you fix the toilet? It is overflowing.”

Now, obviously mad the husband replies: “I told you I am NOT a
Plumber!”

The next day when the husband comes home his wife meets him at
the door and starts to lavish him with kisses.

She finally stops and she tells her husband that the most
increadible thing happened to her: “Well, this really georgous
man moved in next door and he fixed everything for me…. Well,
there was one of two forms of payment–I could have made mad
passionate love to him or I could have made him a cake.”

The husband looks at his wife and asks: “So, what kind of cake
did you bake him?”

“WHO DO YOU THINK I AM BETTY CROCKER???”

A couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar.

“Elliot”, she said pointing, “do you see that man downing bourbon at the bar?”

The husband looked over and nodded.

“Well”, the woman continued, “he’s been drinking like that for 10 years, ever since I jilted him!”

The husband returned to his meal. “Nonsense”, he said, “that’s not worth celebrating that much!”

Two men who were waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation.

“How did you die?” the first man asks the second.

“I froze to death,” says the second.

“That’s awful,” says the first man.

“How does it feel to freeze to death?”

“It’s very uncomfortable at first,” says the second man.

“You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. Eventually, it’s a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you’re sleeping. How about you, …. how did you die?”

“I had a heart attack,” says the first man. “You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic and, just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.”

The second man shakes his head. “That’s so ironic,” he says.

“What do you mean?” asks the first man.

“If you had only stopped to look in the deep freezer, we’d both still be alive!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

The phone rings in the middle of the night.Before the wife can get it, her husband answers. He hears a man’s voice asking if the coast is clear. “Jesus, man ” he hollers “how the hell should I know? The ocean’s 30 miles east of here.”

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn’t help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the housekeeper than met the eye.
Reading his mom’s thoughts, John volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional.”

About a week later, the housekeeper came to John and said, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?”

John said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure.” So he sat down and wrote:

“Dear Mother, I’m not saying you ‘did’ take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you ‘did not’ take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.”

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which said “Dear Son, I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with your housekeeper, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom”