Category: relationships

A young girl brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner,
while the women are cleaning the table, the father invites the fiance into
the living room. “So, what are your plans?” the father asks. “I’m a bible
scholar,” he replies. “A bible scholar,” the father says, “admirable…but
what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as
she is accustomed to?” “I will study,” the young man replies, “and God
will provide for us.” “And children?” asks the father, “How will you
support children?” “I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man
replies, “God will provide for us.” The conversation proceeds like this,
and each time the father questions, the fiance insists that God will
provide.

Later that evening, the mother is alone with the father and asks him “So,
how did it go?” The father says, “He has no job and no plans. But, the
good news is, he thinks I am God!”

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.

At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan.

They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive!

She lives for ten more years, and then dies again.

Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.

As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, “Watch that wall!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo

How do you make antifreeze?
Hide her nightdress.

“Mom, hey, Mom! Lennie passed his bar exam so we’re going to get married next week!” the bride-to-be said ecstatically.

“Gee, honey, don’t you think you two should wait till he’s been practicing for a year or so?” cautioned her mother.

“Oh Mom,” said the bride with a blush, “we’ve been practicing.”

Submitted by Clark Kent
Edited by Curtis

Crazy Aunt Maud received a letter one morning, and upon reading it burst into
floods of tears.
“What’s the matter?” asked her companion.
“Oh dear�, sobbed Auntie, “It’s my favorite nephew. He’s got three feet.”
“Three feet?” exclaimed her friend.
“Surely that’s not possible?”
“Well,” said Auntie, “his mother’s just written to tell me he’s grown another
foot !”

A woman comes home from shopping and finds her husband in bed with another woman. The man jumps up and says, “Honey, I can explain!”

“As I was coming homefrom the golf course, I saw this poor helpless girl on the side of the road. So I gave her a ride and asked her where she was going. She said she had no where to go and hadn’t eaten anything in three days. I felt so sorry for her that I brought her home and gave her something to eat.

While she was eating, I noticed she had no shoes so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t use anymore. Then I noticed her clothes were worn, so I gave her one of your dresses that you don’t use anymore.

As she was ready to leave, she turned to me and said, ‘Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use anymore?'”

One day, there was a woman who went to the shoe store to buy a new pair of
shoes.

She picked out some shoes that she fancied, and she sat down to try them
on. The shoe salesman rushed to help her.

As he was slipping a pair of high heels on her feet, he looked up her
skirt and noticed that she wasn’t wearing underwear. This made him
extremely horny, and he just couldn’t help himself. He said to her, “I
want to fill your pussy up with ice cream and eat it out.”

The woman became flustered and quickly left the store.

When her husband came home that night, she told him what had happened. He
had three things to say. “First of all, you don’t need to be buying any
more shoes. You already have a hundred pairs in your closet. Second, you
shouldn’t be going around with no underwear on. It’s cold outside. Third,
I’m not going to mess with a man who can eat that much ice cream.”

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

“What’s the matter, dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room, “Why are you down here at this time of night?”

The husband looks up from his coffee and says, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?” he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. “Yes I do,” she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. “Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?”

“Yes, I remember,” said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued… “Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'”

“I remember that too,” she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said…”I would have gotten out today.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

THE MANS GUIDE TO FEMALE ENGLISH

We need = I want It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later We need to talk = I need to complain Sure… go ahead = I don’t want you to I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron! You’re … so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot I’m not emotional! And I’m not overreacting! = I’ve started my period This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper….. Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there! I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re really not going to like I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you’re dead.] Yes = No No = No Maybe = No I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry Do you like this recipe? = It’s easy to fix, so you’d better get used to it Was that the baby? = Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep I’m not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important All we’re going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we’re stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

THE ANSWER TO “WHAT’S WRONG?” ***************************** The same old thing = Nothing Nothing = Everything Everything = PMS again. Nothing, really = It’s just that you’re such a pain. I don’t want to talk about it = Go away, I’m still building up steam

THE WOMEN’S GUIDE TO MEN’S ENGLISH: ———————————————————- “I’m hungry” = I’m hungry “I’m sleepy” = I’m sleepy “I’m tired” = I’m tired “What’s wrong?” = I don’t see why you are making such a big deal out of this “What’s wrong?” = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now? “Yes, I like the way you cut your hair” = I liked it better before “Yes, I like the way you cut your hair” = $50 and it doesn’t look that much different! “Let’s talk” = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person. “I like that one better” (while shopping) = Pick any freakin’ dress and let’s go home!

A man who compromises when he’s wrong is wise; a man who compromises when he’s right is married.

As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent.

Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him in this effort.

The first few weeks weren’t too difficult. Things got tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest nightclothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed.

The last couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch.

Easter morning finally came. A knock came on the wife’s bedroom door.

“KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!”

Husband: “Guess whom?”

Wife: “I know who it is!”

Husband: “Guess what I want?”

Wife: “I know what you want!”

Husband: “Guess what I’m knockin’ with?”

Cara was very excited abut going to her bf’s house for dinner,
although the night she had to go she got very ill. She still
went.

In the middle of dinner she excused herself to go to the
bathroom, so she went upstairs. closed the door, and she
couldn’t stop going!!

When she was done it was so big the toilet couldn’t flush!!

So she picked it up with her hands and threw it out the window.

After washing her hands for a full 10 min. she went back
downstairs.
Everybody was staring at her, and she asked what happened?

Her boyfriend pointed up…her waste fell onto the skylight.