Category: relationships

A young man, with a promising career ahead of him, decided to marry a respectable convent girl, untarnished with the sins of contemporary society. After the wedding service, the bridal couple had to drive through the more unsavory areas of the city on the way to the reception.

“William, what are those women doing leaning against lampposts?”

“Oh, those are just tarts who hire their bodies out for sex at fifty dollars a time.”

“Wow, fifty dollars!” exclaimed the bride, “the monks only used to give us an apple…”

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”

She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”

“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”

“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.

“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”

“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”

He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”

“No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”

“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”

“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.”

“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”

“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”

“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Editted by Curtis

Your Clothes

-1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.

-2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

-3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

The Baby’s Name

-1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.

-2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.

-3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger points.

Preparing for the Birth

-1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

-2nd baby: You don’t bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn’t do a thing.

-3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

The Layette

-1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn’s clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby’s little bureau.

-2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

-3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can’t they?

Worries

-1st baby: At the first sign of distress — a whimper, a frown — you pick up the baby.

-2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.

-3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Activities

-1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.

-2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

-3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out

-1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.

-2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.

-3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home

-1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

-2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn’t squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

-3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

A man had a habit of buying things immediately after reading the ads about the products in the paper. Naturally, his wife was not too happy about it. One day the man read an ad about a sale on steel-belted radial tires. He jumped up, exclaiming that he would quickly buy four tires while the sale was on.

The wife complained, ?I don’t know what’s wrong with you. You are going to buy four expensive tires when you’ve got a crappy old car??

The man replied, ?Don’t make such a big deal about it! I don’t complain when you buy new bras, do I??

Man walks up to a farmers house, knocks on the door.

When a woman opened the door, the man ask if she knew how to have sex.

Not amused, she slammed the door.

Again, the man knocked, again, asked the same question.

Again, not amused , she screamed get the hell away.

Later, she told her husband of the incident. He said he would stay home the following day just in case.

Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his gun while the lady answered the door.

When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex, she said yes.

The man replied, great, give some to your husband the next time you see him , and tell him to keep away from my wife.

A guy gets home late one night and his wife says, “Where the hell have you been?””I was out getting a tattoo.” “A tattoo? What kind of tattoo?” “I got a hundred dollar bill tattooed on my penis.””What the hell were you thinking? Why did you get a hundred dollar bill on your penis?””Well, number one, I like to watch my money grow… Number two, once in a while, I like to play with mymoney… And lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!”

Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American Princess horror movie?
A: It’s called “Debbie Does Dishes.”

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t want.

2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

4. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

5. Married men live longer than single men – but married men are a lot more willing to die.

6. Any married man should forget his mistakes – there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.

7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she does.

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

10. There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman – before marriage and after marriage.

A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home.

At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife, “Jen, is the cat there?”

“Yes,” the wife answers, “why do you ask?”

Frustrated, the man answered, “Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I’m lost and need directions.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place.

While they were walking through the barn, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by.

The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes, and say something.

Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, no and mumble a reply.

Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, ”The women would say, ‘What a terrible tragedy’ and I would nod my head and say, yes, it was.

The men would ask, ‘You wanna sell that mule?’ and I would shake my head and say, can’t. It’s all booked up for a year.”

Submitted by blueindiansquaw
Edited by Curtis

This guy goes over to his buddies house and knocks on the door, it opens and there stands his friends wife. ‘Is John home?’ he asks. She replies ‘No I’m sorry he’s gone out to run a few errands.’ ‘Would you mind if I came in and waited for a few minutes?’ She opens the door and he follows her down the hall and into the kitchen. ‘I can’t help to notice how beautiful your breasts look in that robe. I will pay you $100 if I could just see one of them.’ The woman thinks it over for a moment and figures why not, it is a $100. She opens her robe exposing one of her breasts as the man reaches for his wallet, pulls out a $100 bill and throws it on the table. Shortly there after while drinking his coffee he asks ‘Your breast was so beautiful, I’ve got to see them both at the same time, I will pay you another $100 if you will show me them both. ‘She once again thinks for a moment and decides, what the hell and opens her robe giving him a good long look. He then opens his wallet, grabs another $100 throws it on the table and says, ‘I can’t wait any longer, I must get going. Please tell John I came by.’ About ten minutes pass and John comes home. His wife meets him in the hall and says ‘Your friend came by, you just missed him, he left ten minutes ago.’ John replies, ‘Did he drop off the $200 bucks he owes me?’

The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be had a discussion with her mother. ‘Mom,’ she said, ‘I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy.’The mother took a deep breath and began, ‘Dear, when two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing…”I know how to screw, mother,’ the bride-to-be interrupted. ‘I want you to know how to make your lasagna.’