Category: relationships

There were once two men, Bob and Joe, who were debating on who
did the worst sin. Bob says, “I had an affaire with a hot
brunette with light blue eyes while my hot blond hair with dark
green eyed wife was at home.” Joe laughed and said, “I had an
affaire with a hot blond hair with dark green eyes while my hot
brunette with light blue eyed wife was at home.”

One day a man came home from work to find total chaos in the house. The kids were laying outside in the mud, still in their pajamas, and empty food boxes were on the kitchen counter.

When he opened the door, he found an even bigger mess: dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table and a pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with toys, and a lamp had been knocked over.

He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife.
He was becoming worried that she might be ill or that something terrible had happened to her.

He found her in the bedroom still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book. She looked up at him, smiled and asked how his day had gone. He looked at her, bewildered, and asked, “What happened here today?”

She again smiled and answered, “You know, every day, you come home from work and ask me what I did today.”

“Yes” was his reply.

She answered, “Well, today, I didn’t do it!”

Marriage counselor to female client: Maybe your problem is that you’ve been waking up grumpy every morning.

Client: No, I always let him sleep.

A man came home unexpectedly to find his wife in bed with another man.

His wife sat up and groaned.

“Oh Lord,” she grumbled. “Here comes bigmouth. It’ll be all over town now!”

One evening, while sharing a few drinks at the bar, one of the ladies suggests, “Let’s name our Larrys after a soda pop, because I’m tired of getting my Larry mixed up with your Larry, and her Larry mixed up with your Larry.”

The other two ladies agree.

The first lady speaks out, “Okay then, I’m gonna name my Larry 7-Up because he has 7 inches and it’s always up!”

The three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other high fives. Then, the second lady says, “I’m gonna name my Larry Mountain Dew because he can mount and do me any day of the week.”

Again, the three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other more high fives.

The third lady then says, “You know, those two Larrys were good, but I’m gonna name my Larry, Jack Daniels.”

The other two ladies shout in unison, “Jack Daniels? That’s not a soda pop… that’s a hard liquor!”

The third lady bursts out, “That’s my Larry!!”

Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.

Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for
baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a
very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.

Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent
that they would marry she thought to herself, “He is such a sweet
and gentle man, but he would never go for this carrying on.”

So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months
later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived
in the country she called her husband and told him that she would
be late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small
diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand.
Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk
off any ill effects by the time she reached home.

So, she stopped at the  diner and before she knew it, she had
consumed three large orders of baked beans. She putt-putted all the
way home, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could
control any lingering effects.

Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly,
“Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight.”

He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She
seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from
his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the
blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the
pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was
out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to
one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a
rotten egg gone worse.

When her husband returned, he instructed her to remove her
blindfold. And when she did, 50 people around her said “Surprise!”

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his throat.

Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

“Well it was like this,” said the man. “I was having a quiet game of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.”

I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough there was my wife’s golf ball…..stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. That’s when I made my mistake.

“What did you do?” asks the doctor.

“Well I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, “Hey this looks like yours!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, shut off the engine and coast into the garage.

I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!”

His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, ‘You as horny as I am?’ . . . and, she always acts like she’s sound asleep!”

A man is walking down a beach during sunset when he stumbles across a lamp. Picking it up he says to himself, “I wonder if it’s magic. I think I’ll rub it and find out.” Well sure enough this man rubs the lamp and a genie pops out. The genie says to the man, “I’m your genie and I am at your command. I shall grant you three wishes on one condition. Everything you wish for, your wife gets double.”Well the man thought about it and finally blurted out, “Give me a million dollars.” So the genie gave him a million dollars and his wife two million while reminding him of the “one condition”.Next the man said, ” I’d like a house on the east coast and a house on the west coast.” So the genie gave him his two houses and his wife four houses.Finally the genie said, “You have one wish remaining but remember, your wife gets double.” So the man thought for nearly an hour about his final wish. Looking up at the genie hovering over the sand he said with a sly grin on his face, “Ok Genie, I want you to beat me half to death.”

Auntie Maud bought herself a new rear-engine European car. She took an old
friend for a drive, but after only half a mile the car broke down. Both women
got out and opened up the front of the car.
“Oh. Maud,” said her friend, “you’ve lost your engine!”
“Never mind, dear�, said auntie. “I’ve got a spare one in the trunk.”

This butcher lived in an apartment over his shop. One night he was awakened by
strange noises coming from below, so he tiptoed downstairs and saw his
19-year-old daughter sitting on the chopping block and masturbating with a
liverwurst. The butcher sighed and tiptoed back to bed.
The next morning, when a customer walked in and asked for some liverwurst, the
butcher said that he didn’t have any left. The customer was really annoyed; she
pointed to the corner of the shop and asked, “No liverwurst? Well, what’s that
hanging on the hook right over there?”
The butcher frowned at her. “That”, he replied, “is my son-in-law.”