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A guy was sitting in his chair when his wife smacks him with a rolled up newspaper. He looked at her and said, “What was that for?”
His wife replied, “I found a note in your pants pocket that said Loose Lucy on it.”
The guys said, “Oh, that’s not a girl, honey… That was the name of the horse I bet on for the race.”
The next day the guys wife hits him in the head with a fring pan.
When he wakes up he says, “What the hell was that for?”
His wife says, “Your horse called.”
An elderly woman rushed up the stairs to the church, late for the wedding. An
usher asked to see her invitation.
“I don’t have one,” she said.
“Well then, are you a friend of the groom?”
“I should say not,” snapped the woman, “I’m the bride’s mother.”
A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. The officer in charge looked at the photograph she handed him, questioned her, and then asked if she wished to give her husband any message if they found him. “Yes,” she replied readily. “Tell him Mother didn’t come after all.”
The wife had had a hard day with the kids, her husband came home in a foul mood, and not much was said at all during a dinner which no one seemed to like.
After the kids were bathed and bedded, she took a long, leisurely bath and crawled into bed, only to have an unwashed, slightly drunken husband come into the bedroom, rip off his clothes, climb into bed and drop on top of her.
“Get off of me, will you?” she demanded.
“What’s the matter, am I hurting you?” the husband demanded to know.
“No, you’re not hurting me, you’re annoying me. How in the heck did you ever imagine you could hurt me with THAT?”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. The new theory is that men don’t mature. So you might as well marry a younger one.
An salesman of Vasalene cream was doing a bit of market research
on his product, going house to house and asking people what they
thought of the product. Towards the end of the day he knocked
on the door of his last house and a woman in her early thirties
answered.
The salesman introduced himself and asked if he could ask the
woman a few question about his product, which she agreed to.
The first thig he asked her was “how effective do you find our
product”
“Very” she answered “It alway does the job required of it”
“Do you ming if I ask what it is you normally use the cream for”
enquired the salesman.
“Certainly, I use it for sex” answered the woman.
Well the salesman was a little taken back by this “That’s a very
candid answer miss, I mean, we know our product is used like
this, but no one ever admits to it. Would it be too personal to
ask how it is used?”
“Not at all” said the woman “when me and my husband are feeling
frisky in the bedroom, we put some of your cream on the door
handle, to keep the kids out!”
Two guys were at a bar talking about how highly their wives thought of them.
The first guy said, “My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won’t let me do any work around the house. It’s incredible!”
The second guy says, “That’s nothing. My wife thinks I’m God!”
“She thinks you’re God? What makes you say that?”
“Easy…Every night she places a burnt offering before me!”
A man is going to work one day and accidentally slams his penis
in the car door. He goes to the doctor and the doctor says,
“We’re going to have to put a splint on that.” The guy says, “No
way, Doc. I’m getting married in a week.” The Doc replies,
“Well, if we don’t, It’s going to be bent for the rest of you
life.”
Finally, the guy agrees and the doctor gets out a couple of
tongue depressors and some tape and fixes him up. (a week later,
and he’s on his honeymoon…) His new wife is doing a slow,
seductive strip-tease in front of him. She takes off her bra and
says, “See these? They’ve never been touched by a man before.”
She then takes off her panties and says, “See this? It’s never
been seen by a man before.” So, the husband whips off his shorts
and says, “See this? I’ts not even out of the crate yet!”
This delivery driver carries no money. His wife has it all.
Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw his wife flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man started to scream for help. A trout fisherman ran up.
The man said, “My wife is drowning and I can’t swim. Please save her. I”ll give you a hundred dollars.”
The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, “Okay, where’s my hundred?”
The man said, “Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law.”
The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, “Just my luck. How much do I owe you?
Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
A secret pregnant loverAt the rehearsal dinner for my boss’ daughter and son-in-law-to-be, a loud eight-months pregnant teenage girl suddenly appeared at the back of the room screaming ten minutes worth of curses that would befall the groom if he didn’t marry the pregnant girl like he promised. It was set up by the boss’ wife, and I am told that the groom very nearly burst into tears protesting his innocence.