Category: relationships

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death’s final agony, as
he started to slip away, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his
favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the
bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the
bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the
stairs. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled
downstairs defying the pull of Morpheus.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing in
the kitchen. Were it not for the immense pain caused by his
extreme exertions, he would have thought himself already in
heaven for there spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen
table – were hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his
devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, with tears in his eyes, he
threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a
rumpled posture. His parched lips parted: the wondrous taste of
the sweet biscuit was already mentally in his mouth, seemingly
bringing him back to life. He felt renewed strength pulsate
through his body.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to one lone
biscuit at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked
with a spatula by his wife……

“Fuck off, ” she said, “they’re for the funeral.”

One day many years ago, a fisherman’s wife blessed her husband with twin sons.
They loved the children very much, but couldn’t think of what to name their
children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, “Let’s not decide on
names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us.”
After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar
fact. When left alone, one of the boys would always turn towards the sea, while
the other boy would face inland. It didn’t matter which way the parents
positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. “Let’s
call the boys towards and Away,” suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and
from that point on, the boys were simply known as TOWARDS and AWAY.
The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the
aging fisherman said to his sons, “Boys, it is time that learned how to make a
living from the sea.” They provisioned their ship, said their good-byes, and set
sail for a three month voyage.
The three months passed quickly for the fisherman’s wife, yet the ship had not
returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship. Three whole years
passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She
recognized him as her husband. “My goodness! What has happened to my darling
boys?” she cried.
The ragged fisherman began to tell his story:
“We were just barely one whole day out to see when towards hooked into a great
fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a
whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet
eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and towards was pulled over
the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them
again.”
“Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of
been! What a horrible fish. What a horrible fish.”
“Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away….”

On the fourth day of their honeymoon, the 21 year old bride was begging for mercy from her 75 year old husband. Rather than endure yet another lovemaking session, she slipped out of the room while he was showering and went to the hotel coffee shop. The waitress, who had served the couple breakfast each day, was shocked at the woman’s appearance. “Honey, you’re just a young thing,” she remarked, “but you look like hell. What’s up?””I’ve been double-crossed,” the miserable bride moaned. “When he said he’d been saving up for 50 years, I thought he meant CASH!”

Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death.

Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.Defense: What you’d better have around de yard if you’re going to let the children play outside.Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disasterFeedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.Full name: What you call your child when you’re mad at him.Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

My husband has always taken the time to make love to me in a very romantic atmosphere.

In fact, all our kids were conceived during Miller Lite commercials.

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife’s activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man!

He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe.

He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.

“I just can’t believe this,” the distraught husband said.

The detective said, “What’s not to believe? It’s right up there on the screen!”

The husband replied, “I can’t believe that my wife could be so much fun!”

“We have a terrible time making ends meet on Bob’s income.” his wife told her best friend.

“How do you two manage? And you even have kids!”

“We get along okay,” her friend said. “You see, we work on our budget every evening. That saves us lots of money.”

“Really? How can that be?”

“Well, by the time we get it all balanced, it’s too damn late to go anywhere and do anything!”

It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife.

“That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your tits,” he said. “Why don’t you take your blouse off and we’ll see what he does?”

At first she declined. But finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra.

The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down.

“Hey,” the husband said, “let’s really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we’ll see what he does.”

Again she said no and again he persuaded her.

This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage.

The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in. “Now,” said the husband with an evil smile, “tell HIM you have a headache!”

Two older women were discussing their sex lives. Marge was just beside herself. Her sex life was just awful! Her husband just didn’t seem interested anymore. Her friend was quick to say that her sex life was just wonderful. She said that every day before her husband gets home from work she takes a shower. Then she lies naked on the bed with her legs spread open. When he walks into the room and sees her lying there it is just too much for him to resist. Works every time.

Marge decided to try this. So the next day prior to her husband returning home she takes a shower. When she hears him come into the house she runs to the bedroom. She lies on the bed naked with her legs spread wide apart and waits. Her husband walks into the room, takes one look at her and says… ” Dammit Marge, would you comb your hair and put your teeth in. You’re starting to look like an asshole”!

A guy dials his home phone number from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, “Who is this?”

“This is the maid.”, answered the woman.

“We don’t have a maid!” “I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house.”

“Well, this is her husband. Is she there?” “Ummm…she’s upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband.”

The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, “Listen, would you like to make $50,000?”

“What do I have to do?”

“I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that Bitch and the jerk she’s with.”

The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots.

The maid comes back to the phone. “What should I do with the bodies?”

“Throw them in the swimming pool!”

“What pool?”

“Uh.. is this 832-4821?”

A doctor, a lawyer and a mathematician were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress.

The lawyer says, “For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems.

The doctor says, “It’s better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your health.

The mathematician says, “You’re both wrong. It’s best to have both so that when the wife thinks you’re with the mistress and the mistress thinks you’re with your wife, you can do some mathematics.