Category: relationships

What’s the difference between a vision and a sight?

When my wife gets dressed up for a party she looks like a vision, but when she wakes up in the morning she’s a sight.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

John wakes up after the annual office Christmas party with a splitting headache and cotton-mouth, and is unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After going to the bathroom, he makes his way downstairs, where his wife puts a cup of coffee in front of him.

“Louise,” he moans, “tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?”

“Even worse,” she says, her voice oozing scorn. “You made a complete ass of yourself. You antagonized the entire board of directors and insulted the president of the company, right to his face.”

“He’s an idiot,” John says. “Piss on him.”

“You did,” she replies, “and he fired you.”

“Well, screw him!” John says.

“I did,” she replies. “You’re back at work on Monday.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

These two buddies were out at the bar having a drink talking
when one of the guys say, “You know when I go home after being
out with the guys I turn off the engine and coast into the
driveway, take my shoes off and tip toe up the stairs. Then I
quietly sneak into bed…but it never fails, every time my wife
wakes up and gives me shit for coming home too late.”

His buddy replies, “Really? I screech into the driveway, slam
the door, run upstairs, jump in bed, put my hand on my wifes ass
and say…how about a blowjob honey? And she is asleep every
time.”

The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.

Q: What food decreases a womans sex drive by 90%

A: wedding cake

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a fight, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most… “When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions:

Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? That this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said. . .
“Nah… let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down!”

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis

Typical “macho man” marries a typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, lays down the following rules:

“I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don’t expect any hassle from you!

I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozin, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don’t you give me a hard time about it! Those are my rules…any comments?”

His new bride matter of factly says, “No, that’s fine with me.
Just understand one thing… there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night – whether you’re HOME or not!”

4 KINDS OF SEX

HOUSE SEX: When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX: After you have been married for a while you just have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX: After you have been married for many, many years, you just pass each other in the hall and say, “FUCK YOU”

COURTROOM SEX: Your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of lots of people for every penny you’ve got.

things to do on dates…

swing on swings
people-watch while walking around
watch UFOs
drive around and look at houses in ritzy neighborhoods
paint a mural on your bedroom wall
jump in leaf piles
go on mysterious double dates
have a water fight
have a food fight
visit caves
go creeking
play frisbee golf
play mud volleyball
play childrens games
imitate animals and try to guess them
clean out a closet together
be a counselor for a day camp
go to open houses and act interested in buying
create a scavenger hunt for one another
plan any random act of kindness
make a time capsule
make chocolate covered brussel sprouts
see a laser light show at the science center
go to garage sales and buy weird things
buy a dozen carnations and randomly give them to people
feed each other ice cream
play with “play-doh”
blow bubbles
make a silly video
throw a walleyball party
attend a murder mystery dinner
plan a murder mystery dinner and invite close friends as
suspects/victims

Not long after their wedding, Scott and Lisa awake early one morning.

They are up for quite a while before they meet in the kitchen.

Marriage has been agreeing with Scott, and he greets his new wife with glee. �Sweetheart,� he says, �if you�ll just make the toast and pour the juice, breakfast will be ready.�

�Great! What are we having?� asks Lisa.

�Toast and juice,� replies Scott.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

If you are afraid of loneliness, do not marry. — Chekhov

1. Show up with a baby and claim he belongs to the newlyweds.

2. Cover yourself with glue to improve your chances of catching the bouquet.

3. Offer to show people pictures of the bride having sex with a dog.

4. Tell people that you knew the bride before the sex change operation.

5. Tell the bride that the only reason you can look at her is that you used to be a proctologist.

6. Instead of a standard gift, give the newlyweds a gift certificate for a drug rehab. clinic.

7. As you move down the receiving line, spit on each person.

8. Ask the bride’s mother to give you a hand job.

9. Give the bride some Bianca, and tell her it kills the taste of sperm.

10. Propose a toast to the bride’s nose job.

11. Steal the cards from the wedding gifts so no one can tell who they came from.

12. Walk up to various guests and demand to see their invitations.

13. After the bride throws her garter, start people chanting, “Throw your bra, throw your bra…”

14. Tell everyone that the groom had to be given Quaaludes to keep him from backing out.

15. Tell the rabbi that there’s no money to pay him, and ask if he’ll settle for stupping the bride.

16. Assure the bride’s mother that the groom is “hung like a horse.”

17. Return a bra which the bride left in your car.

18. If there’s a hunchback at a Jewish wedding tell him that he has to wear one yarmukle on his head and another on his hump.

19. When the bride is coming down the aisle, push the organist out of the way and start playing, “The Lady is a Tramp.”