Category: relationships

A man complaining to a friend: ” I had it all, money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman ….then … pow! … it was all gone!”

“What happened?” asked the friend.

“Ahhhh… my wife found out!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Teenager (noun)
1) A mammal found extensively throughout the planet, often clustered in groups
in front of television sets. Thought to be a member of Homo sapiens due to
physical similarities, though social and emotional behavior leads many
researchers to consider Teenagers to be a completely different species
altogether. Very territorial.
Teenagers are extraordinarily social animals, seeking contact with their peer
groups to such a great extent they will forgo family, chores, food, and
responsibility. The males of the species forage for food constantly and can
consume three times their weight every day. When in full plumage, the males are
usually drab, marked by loose fitting garments which slide off their backsides
and look ridiculous.
The females, on the other hand, sport striking colors under their eyes,
throughout their hair, and on the tips of their fingers. Females often attract
males by wearing garments to accentuate chest development. Males indicate their
approval by staring at the display. The call of the female is complex and
shrill: “Like, O m’Gosh! O m’ Gosh!” Males are less vocal, signaling to other
males with a salutatory “Yo. Yo. Yo. S’up? S’up? S’up?”
Teenagers line their nests with discarded undergarments. The females hold
telephone receivers to their ears an average of six hours a day. When challenged
for possession, they snarl and warn intruders, “I’m doing my HOMEWORK. My
HOMEWORK. My HOMEWORK.” The males lie immobile for hours at a time, conserving
energy and listening to violent electronic signals from radios. Male Teenagers
concentrate on important information by rolling their eyes, shrugging, kicking
dirt and sighing. Females burst into tears and slam doors. Many Homo sapiens
families have a host-to-parasite relationship with one or more than one
Teenager. These host families often develop a resistance to the parasite,
rejecting them some time in the eighteenth year of life. Often, though, this
rejection is merely theoretical, with the Teenager continuing to live off of the
host Homo sapiens family for many years afterward, often at great sacrifice.

2) Of, relating to, and especially EXPLAINING irrational, intolerable, or
inexplicable behavior. (“She’s a Teenager.”)
3) A request for sympathy, offered by adult parents to each other in support.
(“I have a Teenager at home.”) Often accompanied by sighs, head shaking, tongue
clucking, and shoulder shrugging.

My wife and I had just moved into the neighborhood. We received a card from
Sears (the camp of the enemy) saying “since you are new in town, would you like
to apply for a credit card?” Sure, we decided, filled out the application, and
returned it. Several weeks later we got a rejection from Sears saying “Sorry, we
cannot issue to you a credit card.” Reason? “You haven’t been in town long
enough.”

A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, “Pardon me, ma’am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.”

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied, “No he didn’t.
He just walked in the door.”

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.

“Look Miss,” said the foreman, “have you any actual experience in picking lemons?”

“Well, as a matter of fact, yes!” she replied. “I’ve been divorced three times.”

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Calamjo

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he also wanted video of his wife’s activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man!

He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe.

He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.

“I just can’t believe this,” the distraught husband said.

The detective said, “What’s not to believe? It’s right up there on the screen!”

The husband replied, “I can’t believe that my wife could be so much fun!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

Buying a Fur CoatWatching her mother as she tried on her new fur coat, young Jackie said unhappily, “Mom, do you realize some poor dumb beast suffered so you could have that?”The woman shot her an angry look, “Jackie, how dare you talk about your father like that!”

One time when I was home visiting my folks, my mom asked me to set the table for dinner.

I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risque picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but scantily-clad young woman.

“Mom, what’s this?” I asked.

“Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to over eat,” she answered.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

“Is it working?” I asked.

“Yes and no,” she explained. “I’ve lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!”

1. The Guinness is great

2. The crack is great

3. You won’t get in a crack unless you marry them

4. You can’t have sex with a condom on

5. Thus you must have sex without one on

6. No one can ever remember the night before

7. If you don’t agree with me I’ll blow you up

8. The stew is great

9. The Murphy’s is great

10. Er…Best pop down the pub and have a think

One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home! The kids were
outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and muck. There were empty
food boxes and wrappers all around. As he proceeded into the house, he found an
even bigger mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken
glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the back door. The family
room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been
knocked over.
He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife. He was
becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened to her. He
found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book.
She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her
bewildered and asked, “What happened here today?”
She again smiled and answered, “You know everyday when you come home from work
and ask me what I did today?”
“Yes,” was his reply?
She answered, “Well, today I didn’t do it!”

Buying a Fur Coat

Watching her mother as she tried on her new fur coat, young Jackie said unhappily, “Mom, do you realize some poor dumb beast suffered so you could have that?”

The woman shot her an angry look, “Jackie, how dare you talk about your father like that!”

Look no further. The hands-down, all-time winner of the Valentine writing contest has been found…
Dear Ex-Valentine,

I’m so miserable without you. It’s almost like having you around.

— Your Ex