Category: relationships

Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” The other replied, “Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.”
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” And the father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.
Then there was a man who said, “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.”
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” The husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”
A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. -Sacha Guitry
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. – Jackie Mason
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Screwed to death?A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick, so she proceeded to find herself a rich 75-year-old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed.When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a condom to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of nose plugs.Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, “What are those for?”The elderly groom replied, “There are two things I can’t stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber.”

A Doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast.

The Doctor, clearly miffed, blurts to his wife, “You aren’t so good in bed either!” and stormed off to work.

By midmorning, he decided he’d better make amends and phoned home.

After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answers the phone. “What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?”

“I was in bed.”

“What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?”

“Getting a second opinion.”

Man walks up to a farmers house, knocks on the door. When a woman opened the door, the man ask if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door. Again, the man knocked, again, asked the same question. Again, not amused , she screamed get the hell away. Later, she told her husband of the incident. He said he would stay home the following day just in case. Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his gun while the lady answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex, she said yes. The man replied, great, give some to your husband the next time you see him , and tell him to keep away from my wife.

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.”This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter,” said one.”No! He agreed to marry MY daughter,” said the other.And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.”Bring me my biggest sword,” said Solomon, “and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half.””Sounds good to me,” said the first lady.But the other woman said, “Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman’s daughter marry him.”The wise king did not hesitate a moment. “The attorney must marry the first lady’s daughter,” he proclaimed.”But she was willing to hew him in two!” exclaimed the king’s court.”Indeed,” said wise King Solomon. “That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law.”

My ex-husband (or ex-wife) was very responsible.
If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.

A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn’t contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished they fell asleep and didn’t wake up till 8 o’clock.They got dressed quickly. Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she does as he asks (thinking he’s pretty weird).The man finally gets home and his wife meets him at the door. Upset, she asks where he’s been.The man replies “I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love then fell asleep. That’s why I’m late.”The wife looks at him, takes notice of his shoes and says, “I see those grass stains on your shoes. You’ve been playing golf again, haven’t you!”

Secret tips for making a marriage last…

My wife and I have the secrets to making a marriage last…

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays. I go Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida, mine is in NY.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?” “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!”
So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?”

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said “There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!” So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn’t running well, there was water in the carburetor. When I asked where the car was, she told me, “In the lake.”

8. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn’t lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!

9. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off…

10. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, “Am I too late for the garbage?” The driver said, “No, jump in!”

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis

I saw my old girlfriend the other day and she had her wedding ring on the wrong finger.

When I pointed this out to her, she said, “I know, I married the wrong man.”

A very logical and somewhat cold calculating professor of mathematics sent this fax to his wife:

Dear Wife:

You must realize that now you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18 year old teaching assistant. I’ll be home before midnight.

Your Husband,

Professor Malone

—–

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

—–

Dear Husband:

You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18 year old pool boy. Since you are a mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.

Your Wife,

A man complaining to a friend: ” I had it all, money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman ….then … pow! … it was all gone!”

“What happened?” asked the friend.

“Ahhhh… my wife found out!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis