Category: relationships

A friend and I were golfing one day when at the 18th hole this guy comes out of nowhere and asks if he could join us. I tell him, “Well, we’re just about done but if you want to join us tomorrow you can. We start at 8 o’clock.”He said, “Great! I’ll be here at 8 o’clock, maybe 8:35…”So next day he shows up at 8 o’clock and plays scratch golf; he was good. We were going to play again the next day and we invited him to join us. He said, “Great! I’ll be here at 8 o’clock, maybe 8:35…”So the next day he shows up at 8 o’clock, plays with his opposite hand, and shoots under par! I’m a bit amazed with this guy so I ask him, “You’re a pretty good golfer, beating us with scratch golf and then showing-off by playing just as good with your opposite hand. Just what is you secret?”He said, “Well…when I wake up in the morning and my wife is lying on her left side, I play left-handed. Or when I wake up in the morning and my wife is laying on her right side, I play right-handed.”So I ask, “what if she is laying on her back?””That’s when I get here at 8:35.”

1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of
helicopters in it.

2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason
why we observe “Daylight Saving Time.”

3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of
humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.

4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government are
entertainment.

5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely
suggests you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging
from her at that moment.

6. A penny saved is worthless.

7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace
in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward
the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few
microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter
enemies.

8. The most powerful force in the universe is: gossip.

9. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender,
religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we
all believe that we are above-average drivers.

10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a
big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11.

11. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”

12. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want
you to share yours with them.

13. There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that
generates concepts for television sitcoms. When TV executives need a new
concept, they turn on this computer; after sorting through millions of possible
plot premises, it spits out, “THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN
AN APARTMENT,” and the executives turn this concept into a show. The next time
they need an idea, the computer spits out, “SIX QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG
PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT.” Then the next time, it spits out, “FOUR QUIRKY
BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT.” And so on. We need to
locate this computer and destroy it with hammers.

14. Nobody is normal.

15. At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited
and announce that:
– The universe is even bigger than they thought!
– There are even more subatomic particles than they thought!
– Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.

16. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not
achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be:
“meetings.”

17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is
to annoy people who are not in them.

18. The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of what
the advertiser actually thinks. For example:
– If the advertisement says “This is not your father’s Oldsmobile,” the
advertiser is desperately concerned that this Oldsmobile, like all other
Oldsmobile�s, appeals primarily to your father.
– If Coke and Pepsi spend billions of dollars to convince you that there are
significant differences between these two products, both companies realize that
Pepsi and Coke are virtually identical.
– If an advertisement shows a group of cool, attractive youngsters getting
excited and high-fiving each other because the refrigerator contains Sunny
Delight, the advertiser knows that any real youngster who reacted in this way to
this beverage would be considered by his peers to be the world’s biggest dip.
– And so on those rare occasions when advertising dares to poke fun at the
product – as in the classic Volkswagen Beetle campaign – it’s because the
advertiser actually thinks the product is pretty good. If a politician ever ran
for president under a slogan such as “Harlan Frubert: Basically, He Wants
Attention,” I would quit my job to work for his campaign.

19. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its
glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as
His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

20. You should not confuse your career with your life.

21. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
person.

22. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
seriously.

23. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one
individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often,
that individual is crazy.

24. Your friends love you anyway.

25. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

One day, a man comes home from work and greets his wife. Upon seeing him, she asks for $20 to buy meat for dinner.

He leads her to a mirror, holds up the $20 bill and says to her, “Honey, the $20 in the mirror is yours. The other belongs to me.”

Satisfied with his “ingenious” remark, he sits back and the incident is forgotten.

The next day, he comes home and greets his wife.

When he goes in the dining room, the table is laden with meats and delicious foods.

Shaken, he asks his wife where she got the money.

She leads him to the same mirror and lifts up her skirt. “See that pussy in the mirror? That one belongs to you. The other belongs to the butcher.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing

Hosni Mubarak and his wife are in Rio de Janeiro on vacation.

When there’s no-one around, they decide to make love on the beach.

Unfortunately some of Rio’s finest, catch them in their birthday suits and arrest them for ‘lewd conduct’.

Now Hosni’s not too enthusiastic about being arrested so he asks the police officer whether a simple fine wouldn’t do.

The police officer agrees to this and asks Hosni whether it’s his first offense.

He then proceeds to write up a ticket for Hosni for the sum of 100 cruzeiros (Brazilian currency), and a ticket for Hosni’s wife for the sum of 300 cruzeiros.

Hosni asks the police officer why he’s getting a 100 cruzeiro fine, while his wife is getting a 300 cruzeiro fine.

The cop tells him that since it’s a first offense, it’s only 100 cruzes, his wife on the other hand, she’s been caught twice before.

Becky was on her deathbed with her husband Jake at her side. He
held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face.
Her pale lips moved. “Jake…” she said. “Hush,” he quickly
interrupted, “don’t talk.” But she insisted. “Jake,” she said in
her tired voice, “I have to talk. I must confess….” “There is
nothing to confess…” said the weeping Jake. “It’s alright.
Everything’s alright” “No, no. I must die in peace. I must
confess, Jake, that I have been unfaithful to you.” Jake stroked
her hand. “Now, Becky, don’t be concerned. I know all about it,”
he sobbed, “Why else would I poison you?”

A big-game hunter went on safari with his new wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife cried, “What are we going to do?” “Nothing,” said the hunter husband. “The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.”

One day a sweet little girl becomes puzzled about her origin. “How did I get
here, Mommy?” she asks.
Her mother replies, using a well-worn phrase, “Why God sent you, Honey.”
“And did God send you too, Mommy?” she continues. “Yes, Sweetheart, he did.”
“And Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa, and their moms and dads, too?”
“Yes, Honey, all of them, too.”
The child shakes her head in disbelief. “Then you’re telling me there’s been
no sex in this family for over 200 years? No wonder everyone is so grouchy!”

Little Jenny and her older cousins, Sarah and Michelle, were at
their grandmother’s house baking cookies. The grandmother told
them they could find something else to do while the cookies
baked.

“Don’t let anyone in your rainforest!” Sarah said.

“I won’t. Not until I’m married!” Michelle replied.

“Yeah!No tourists allowed! But what if you charge them money?”
Little Jenny said, puzzled.

This guy comes home from work.

He walks into his bedroom, and finds his wife in bed with 3 other men that he works with.

He says, “Hello, hello, hello.”

“What, aren’t you talking to me?” The wife retorts.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

The middle aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he had only 6 month’s to live because of the terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical check-up. The Doctor suggested that he should get his “house in order” , make sure his Will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral.

He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest.

“What will you do for the last six months?” asked the Doctor.

His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, “I think I’ll go and live with my Mother-in-law”.

Surprised by the answer, the Doctor asked, “Of all people, why in the would you want to live with your Mother-in-law?”

“Because it’ll be the longest six months of my Life!”

My parents had not been out together in quite some time. One
Saturday, as mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father
stepped up behind her. “Would you like to go out, girl?” he
asked.

Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, “Oh, yes,
I’d love to!”

They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn’t until the end of the
evening that Dad finally confessed that his question had
actually been directed to the family dog, laying near mom’s feet
on the kitchen floor.

Connecticut has okayed civil unions for gay couples.

Opponents argued this would cause confusion, since it’s already hard to tell which men are gay and which are simply from Connecticut.

-Rob Bates