Category: rednecks

Your idea of going to see a play involves goal posts.You think a computer hacker carries an axe.You keep a chainsaw in the trunk “just in case”.

Nowhere, Vermont

Sam had been in the hectic newspaper business for twenty-five years when he decided that he was sick of the stress and quit his job. He bought 50 acres of land in the middle of Nowhere, Vermont. His place was so isolated that the postman came only once a week and he went to the grocery store only once a month.

After six months of near total isolation, he hears a knock on the door. He opens the door and a big bearded Vermonter is standing there. He says, “Names Enoch…your neighbor from four miles over the ridge. Having a party Saturday…thought you’d like to come.”

“Great,” replies Sam. “After six months of living like this I’m ready to meet some local folks. Thanks for inviting me.”

As Enoch is leaving, he stops. “Gotta warn you, though, there’s gonna be some drinkin’.” “Not a problem. After 25 years in the newspaper business, I can drink with the best of them.”

Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. “More ‘n likely gonna be some fightin’, too.” Tough crowd, Sam thinks to himself. “Well, I get along with people. Don’t worry, I’ll be there. Thanks again.”

Once again, Enoch turns from the door, “I’ve seen some wild sex at these parties, too.” “Now that is not a problem,” Sam says. “I’ve been up here all alone for six long months. I’ll definitely be there.

By the way, what should I wear?”

Enoch stops in the doorway one last time and says… “Whatever you want. Just gonna be the 2 of us there.”

Your coat-of-arms features kudzu.Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.You think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs.

You participate in the “who can spit tobacco the farthest contest”.You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.You’ve never paid for a haircut.

You might be a REDNECK if you drive your moms green Chevy Lumina to school
everyday!!!! What a loser.

Even more clues you could be a Redneck…

You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
You’ve ever been pumping gas and another customer asks you to check his oil.
You think the Bud Bowl is real.
Your dog goes “oink!”
You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
Your mailbox is made out of old auto parts.
You know how to milk a goat.
Your kids have a three-day old Kool-Aid mustache.
Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom.
You’ve ever stood outside a bathroom and heckled someone inside.
Turning on your lights involves pulling a string.
You have a refrigerator just for beer.
You come back from the dump with more than you took.
Your wife owns a camouflage nightie.
You’ve ever worn cowboy boots with Bermuda shorts.
You don’t think baseball players spit and scratch too much.
You think the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree to relieve yourselves.
The most common phrase heard in your house is, “Somebody go jiggle the handle.”
You can’t take a nap without at least one hand tucked inside your pants.

What do you call a redneck who doesn’t have sex with his sister?

An only child.

How do you know when you’re staying in a Kentucky hotel?

When you call the front desk and say “I’ve got a leak in my sink,”

And the person at the front desk says, “Go ahead.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

You might be a redneck if you are working at a welfare office and are arrested for stealing food stamps.

You might be a redneck if…You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to “Georgia on My Mind”.You call your boss “Buddy”, on a regular basis. You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. (Is that a bad mental image or what?)You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut. The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you’ll wear to the 4-H Fair.You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard. Someone in your family says “Cum’n heer an’ lookit this afore I flush it.” Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.

A: What does a redneck woman say after she has sex?

B: Get off me dad! You’re squishing my cigarettes!

Submitted by bloogellymu
Edited by ���rt��

You might be a redneck if you buy your mom False Teeth for mother’s day.