Category: rednecks

There was this gas station in “redneck country” trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying “Free Sex with Fill-up.”

Soon a redneck customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, “No, you were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time”.

Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, “Sorry, it was (3). You were close but no free sex this time”.

As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, “I think that game is rigged and he doesn’t give away free sex”.

The buddy replied, “No, it’s not rigged — my wife won twice last week.”

A man had just moved from his big apartment in NYC, to a big farm way out in
the countryside.

Just days after he moved, he realized he was out of chicken feed, so he went
down to the nearest store. (a good 2-hour drive away). “Can I get me some
chicken feed?’ the man asked. � Yup, but yaw can’t have none unless you can
prove to me you actually guts chickens. Don’t want no one eaten’ it or nothing’
an’ getting’ sick.” the clerk responded. He argued with her a bit, but finally
gave in and took a two-hour drive back and forth once again, this time with the
chicken. “Here’s my chicken. Now get me the chicken feed.” He got his feed and
drove home.

The next day he ran out of dog food for his dog. Once again, he drove down to
the store, foolishly not thinking about bringing his dog. It was the same case.
He had to present his dog to the stubborn clerk. He went back home and retrieved
his dog, and got his dog food. The next day, he went down to the store again,
this time with a shoebox with a lid on it that had a hole in the top. He walked
into the store and said to the clerk “Smell this.”

“That smells like… crap!” she said with a look of surprise on her face.
“Oh… toilet paper.”

It was around noon time when a redneck family decided to take
their brand new boat for a first time drive. They didn’t want to
go alone so they invited their neighbors. When the two couples
arrived at the lake they carefully put the boat in the water.
When they started to go they noticed the boat wouldn’t move and
it was making a loud roaring noise. No matter how much he pushed
up on the throttle the boat still would not move. After about an
hour of trying to figure out what was wrong the two couples
idled over to a near by lake marina where they were for sure
going to get help. They told them what was happening and asked
if they could help. The boat mechanic checked the trim, that
prop and all the instruments and nothing was wrong with them, so
he decided to jump in the water and look under the boat. Within
two seconds of him being under water he came up choking on water
because he was laughing so hard. They asked him what was wrong
and he said your boats still on the trailer.

You might be a redneck if… Your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included. People are scared to touch your wife’s bathrobe. Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.You think a Volvo is part of a woman’s anatomy. You’ve ever worn shorts to a funeral home. You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.You’ve ever been too drunk to fish. You’ve ever bought a used cap.You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures. You’ve ever used a weedeater indoors.

Your favorite cologne smells like exhaust.The fire department leaves after discovering that the fire that destroyed y.You think its okay to have your 6 year old babysit your 5, 4, and 3 year o.

You’re a redneck if ….
Someone asks to see your marriage license, and you have to dig through the
floorboard of your GTO.

When I was young and I had no sense
stuck my peter in a letric fence
curled my hair, tickled my toes, made me do in my underdrawers!

You think “Dueling Banjos” is classical music.You refer to the Surgeon General’s Warning on a pack of cigarettes as your medical encyclopedia.You go to garage sales to shop for Christmas gifts.

You might be a redneck if…You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year. You’ve never paid for a haircut.You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just “misunderstood”. You’ve ever made change in the offering plate. The fifth grade is referred to as “your senior year.” You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve…You own at least 20 baseball hats.You think a ‘cursor’ is someone who swears a lot.

I’m writing this slow because I know you can’t read fast.
We don’t live where we did when you left home. Your Dad read in the newspaper
that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved.
I won’t be able to send you the address because the last family that lived
here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn’t have to change
their address.
This place even has a washing machine. I’m not sure it works so well though.
Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven’t seen them
since. I hope they come back soon, like I told your dad we shouldn’t have to
wear the same clothes more than a week.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be
too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put
them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it
took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven’t found out what it is yet,
so I don’t know if you are an aunt or uncle.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whisky vat last week. Some men tried to pull him
out, but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated. He burned for
three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving.
He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two were in the back.
They drowned because they couldn’t get the tailgate down.
There isn’t much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has
happened.
Your Favorite Aunt

You see a forest fire and think ‘Bar-bee-Q’.You’ve ever strained your tea through a flyswatter.Your mother is hairier than your father.

If your porch collapses and kills more than 7 dogs. You just might be a redneck.