Category: rednecks

A redneck wanted to learn how to skydive. He got an Instructor and started lessons. The Instructor told the redneck to jump out of the plane and pull his rip cord. The Instructor then explained that he himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down together. The red neck understood and was ready.

The time came for the redneck to jump from the plane. The instuctor reminded the redneck that he would be right behind him. The redneck proceeded to jump from the plane, and after being in the air for a few seconds he pulled the rip cord.

The instructor followed by jumping from the plane. The instructor pulled his rip cord but the parachute did not open. The instructor, while franticly trying to get his parachute open, dropped like a brick right past the redneck.

The redneck, seeing this, yelled as he undid the straps to his own parachute, “So you wanna race, huh?”

“Mom, how did I get my name?”asked a boy “I name all my children after the first thing I see on the way to the hospital. Like your sister’s name is Running Deer and your brother’s name is Crawling Lizard. Why do you ask, Two Dogs Pee?”

You have a set of 16 matching salad bowls, and they all say “Cool Whip” on the side.You have to call the police more than once a week to remove your drunk mother-in-law from your front lawn.Your name is Billy Joe Jim Bob III.

You’re a redneck if…. Your family tree doesn’t fork.

You’re a redneck if…. Your mother has gotten into a fistfight at a high
school sports event.

You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.You mow your lawn and find a car.You can spit without opening your mouth.

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was “Timbuktu.”

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two,
Destination Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin’ went.
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

The redneck won hands down!

You’re a redneck if… -You have more fingers than you do teeth -You cut your grass and find a car -You consider Denny’s a Fancy Resturant -Your best Suit contains more than 5 colors -Your age is higher than your I.Q. -Your favorite pickup line is “Does this look infected to you?” -You ask your wife weather the spot on your neck is a boil or a mole and she replies “Its a gummy bear.” -You have a family reunion and everyone in town shows up. -You say “Watch this” everytime before you goto the hospital. -Your wife and ex-wife are sisters.

The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, “Is that Jesus down there?” The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give him a glass of Chianti, too.The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, “Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God’s Boy down there?” The barkeep nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too.As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, “For your kindness, you are healed!” The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door.Jesus touched the Italian and said, “For your kindness, you are healed!”The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, “Don’t touch me! I’m drawing disability!”

One day a man and a woman went out to buy the television set hey had dreamed
of. The television had a wood covering, and knobs could only change the
channels. They bought it and were overly excited. So when they came home, they
found that they had a small TV in their addict. Then, they put the small TV on
top of the large one, the old woman said…” o man, what can you do when ur a
redneck with two TVs!!!!!”

A Redneck Valentine …author unknownCollards is green my dog’s name is Blue and he’s all I know of that’s purdier than you. Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flapping in the breeze Softer than Blue’s and without all them fleas. You move like the bass, which excite me in May. You ain’t got no scales but I luv you anyway. Yo’re as satisfy’n as okry jist a-fry’n in the pan Yo’re as fragrant as “snuff” right out of the can. You have som’a yore teeth, for which I am proud; I hold my head high when we’re in a crowd. On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms, well, I’m in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms. Still them fellers at work, they all want to know, what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe. Like a good roll of duct tape yo’re there fer yore man, to patch up life’s troubles and fix what you can. Yo’re as cute as a junebug a-buzzin’ overhead. You ain’t mean like them far ants I found in my bed. Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt, you spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt. When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack, my life is complete; Ain’t nuttin’ I lack. Yore complexion, it’s perfection, like the best vinyl sidin’. despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin’. Me ‘n’ you’s like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank, we go together like a skunk goes with stank. Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine’s Day; They git it at Wal-Mart, it’s romantic that way. Some men git roses on that special day from the cooler at Kroger. “That’s awsum,” I say. Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market stand.”Diamonds are forever,” they explain, proud an’ grand. But for this man, honey, these gifts jus’ won’t do. Cause yo’re far too special, you sweet thang you. I got you a gift, without taste nor odor, more useful than diamonds… IT’S A NEW TROLLIN’ MOTOR!!

There was this gas station in “redneck country” trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying “Free Sex with Fill-up.”

Soon a redneck customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, “No, you were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time”.

Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, “Sorry, it was (3). You were close but no free sex this time”.

As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, “I think that game is rigged and he doesn’t give away free sex”.

The buddy replied, “No, it’s not rigged — my wife won twice last week.”