Category: rednecks

It’s the way you say it…A University of Georgia student was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, “Where does you go to school?” The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question.”Yale,” she replied. The Georgia student took a big, deep breath and shouted, “WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?”

You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.Ya can’t get married to yer sweetheart ’cause there’s a law against it.You dated one of your parents’ current spouses in high school.

Because his son wasn’t the brightest kid in the world, old Hillbilly Joe took him to the outhouse one day to teach him how to urinate properly. “Now you lissen good, Dan’l, ‘cuz here’s whatcha gotta do.

One: Take out your penie-pipe.

Two: Pull back the foreskin.

Three: Pee.

Four: Push back your foreskin.

Five: Put your equipment back.”

The boy said he understood, but the next day while he was working at his still, Joe’s wife came running over. “Oh, Joe, Joe, come quick! Dan’l went ta piss an’ won’t come out of the outhouse!”

“Hell, whut’s he doin’ in there?” Joe said.

I dunno. He jess keeps sayin’ “Two-four, two-four, two-four……”

Description of a formal redneck wedding.The bride’s father carries a white shotgun, her brothers, uncles, neighbors and former lovers wear clean jeans and flannel shirts, polish their boots, remove their “hats” (caps)during the ceremony, spit out their tobacco or snuff, and fill up the tank of the groom’s “pick-em-up” truck, after removing the “I love My Truck” bumper sticker.

You’re a redneck if…. Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into
sporting events.

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife/cousin did not want to have any more children.The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (big firework), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.The Alabamian said to the doctor, ‘I may not be the smartest man, but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.’So the couple drove across the state border into Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. The doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.Figuring that both learned physicians couldn’t be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count ‘1, 2, 3, 4, 5…’ at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

You might be a redneck if…

You surf the net primarily for tater gun building instructions.

Your car is the only one in a parking lot and you can’t find it.

You think your IQ is the number of coons you shot out of season.

You ever wonder what happened to that nice John F. Kennedy boy.

The fuel for your main mode of transportation is oats.

You’ve run out of room on your arm from the tattoos of all wives names.

You refuse to wash your truck on account that you have a strong suspicion that mud and rust is all that’s holding it together.

People mistakenly come to your house thinking your having a yard sale.

You’ve ever told the local sheriff that you smell a pig and he replies, “I knew I should have taken a shower after I slopped the hogs today.”

Your idea of a luxury car is one that has the white fur covered seats in it.

You think the internet is a new fishing tool.

There’s a pothole in the road and you swerve . . . to hit it.

Your Truck has more Neon on it than the window of your local bar.

You argue to the government that the budwiser plant should be one of the 7 wonders of the world.

Your kids can’t go out for Hollween because there’s nobody within walking distance to get candy from.

You buy the lot next to your house because you need the room for all your “stuff” (cars, trucks building materials).

Your idea of new siding on the house is more tar paper.

The oak tree in the front yard is an essential piece of automotive repair equipment (how else are you gonna pull the engine out of the old Dodge?)

Instead of locking the doors of your house, you keep a shotgun within reach, “just in case”.

You consider pickled deer organs a delicacy.

You’re a redneck if…. You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them
a gourmet item.

If your daddy buys your Christmas gifts at a gumball machine, you might be a
redneck!

Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids.Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.

You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.Your screen door has no screen.

What’s the redneck definition of real disappointment?

Just when you get the rocks piled up, the cow walks off.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci