Category: rednecks

You might be a redneck if…

You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.

You mow your lawn and find a car.

You can spit without opening your mouth.

Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.

You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.

You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.

You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

You can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.

You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.

You participate in the “who can spit tobacco the farthest contest”.

You might be a redneck if…Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care. The directions to your house include “turn off the paved road”. Your dog and your wallet are both on chains. Every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard. Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income. You fainted when you met Slim Whitman. You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle. Jack Daniels makes your list of “most admired people”.

You’re a redneck if …. Your mama can back down a biker.

You’re a redneck if …. You ever named a child after a dog.

Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.

Last name: ________________

First name: (Check appropriate box)

(_) Billy-Bob

(_) Billy-Joe

(_) Billy-Ray

(_) Billy-Sue

(_) Billy-Mae

(_) Billy-Jack

What does everyone call you?

(_) Booger

(_) Bubba

(_) Junior

(_) Sissy

(_) Other___________________

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)

Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation: (Check appropriate box)

(_) Farmer

(_) Mechanic

(_) Hair Dresser

(_) Unemployed

(_) Dirty Politician

(_) Preacher

Spouse’s

Name:_________________________

2nd Spouse’s

Name:______________________

3rd Spouse’s

Name:______________________

Lover’s

Name:___________________________

Relationship with spouse: (Check appropriate box)

(_) Sister

(_) Brother

(_) Aunt

(_) Uncle

(_) Cousin

(_) Mother

(_) Father

(_) Son

(_) Daughter

(_) Pet

Number of children living in household: _____

Number of children living in shed: ______

Number that are yours: ______

Mother’s Name:_______________________(If not sure,leave blank)

Father’s Name:_______________________ (If not sure,leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you (_) own or (_) rent your mobile home?(Check appropriate box)

Total number of vehicles you own: ___

Number of vehicles that still crank: ___

Number of vehicles in front yard: ___

Number of vehicles in back yard: ___

Number of vehicles on cement blocks: ___

Firearms you own and where you keep them:

____ truck

____ bedroom

____ bathroom

____ kitchen

____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: 196_

Do you have a gun rack?

(_) Yes (_) No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:

(_) The National Enquirer

(_) The Globe

(_) TV Guide

(_) Soap Opera Digest

(_) Rifle and Shotgun

Number of times you’ve seen a UFO:_____

Number of times in the last 5 years you’ve seen Elvis:_____

Number of times you’ve seen Elvis in a UFO:_____

How often do you bathe:

(_) Weekly

(_) Monthly

(_) Not Applicable

Color of eyes:

Left______ Right_____

Color of hair:

(_) Blond

(_) Black

(_) Red

(_) Brown

(_) White

(_) Clairol

Color of tooth:

(_) Yellow

(_) Brownish-Yellow

(_) Brown

(_) Black

(_) Not Applicable

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:

(_)Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?

(_) 1 mile

(_) 2 miles

(_) just a whoop-and-a-holler

(_) road?

Tennessee folks make fun of their northern Virginian neighbors with this quip:You know why birds fly upside down over Scott County, Virginia?”Cause there ain’t nothin’ worth shittin’ on up there!”

Instead of flossing you use a plunger.You take the back window out of your pickup because it’s easier to chuck the empty beer cans in the back that way.When the back fills up with empty beer cans, you get another pickup and start all over again.

You have to hit the dashboard in your truck to get the lights and radio to work.The tires on your pick-up are taller than your children.The duct tape on your car seat sticks to your butt when you get out.

The highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.There are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.

You have sworn on your mother’s grave while she is standing beside you.You refer to your cousin as “my girlfriend”.You wake up the day after your wedding to find your sister next to you.

Billy Bob wanted a job as a signalman on the railways. He was told to meet the inspector at the signal box.The inspector asked, “What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?”Billy Bob replied, “I would switch the points for one of the trains.””What if the lever broke?” asked the inspector.”Then I’d dash down out of the signal box,” said Billy Bob, “and I’d use the manual lever over there.””What if that had been struck by lightning?””Then,” Billy Bob continued, “I’d run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box.””What if the phone was busy?””Well in that case,” persevered Billy Bob, “I’d rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there.””What if that was vandalized?””Oh, well then I’d run into town and go get my Uncle Lester.”This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, “Why would you do that?”Billy Bob answered, “Well, Uncle Lester ain’t never seen a train wreck!”