Category: rednecks

Billy Joe and Emma Sue are a redneck couple, and one day they
decide to get hitched. So, both clans come out and do the
hillbilly wedding thing–shotguns, whiskey, the whole deal.

On the wedding night, Billy Joe takes Emma Sue out to his
father’s hunting cabin for their honeymoon. As he’s carrying her
over the threshold, Emma Sue leans over and whispers in his ear,
“Billy Joe, I’m a little nervous. You know, I ain’t never been
with a man before.” Billy Joe’s eyes bug out, and he drops Emma
Sue right on her ass. He shoots out the door and runs all the
way back to his family’s house.

After he opens the door, exhausted with the effort, his father
says to him, “Son, shouldn’t you and Emma Sue be makin’ the
marriage official right about now?” Billy Joe replies, “I’m
sorry, Paw, but I can’t marry that girl.” “Well, why not?” says
his dad. “She said she ain’t never been with a man afore.” At
this, Billy Joe’s father nods his head gravely and pats his son
on the shoulder, saying “Son, you done the right thing. If that
girl ain’t good enough for her family, she ain’t good enough for
ours!”

REDNECK FAMILY TREE
Many, many years ago when I was twenty three, I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be,

This widow had a daughter Who had hair of red. My father fell in love with her, And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my very life. My daughter was my mother, For she was my father’s wife.

To complicate the matters worse, Although it brought me joy, I soon became the father Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became A brother-in-law to dad. And so became my uncle, Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle, Then that also made him brother To the widow’s grown-up daughter Who, of course was my step-mother.

Father’s wife then had a son, Who kept them on the run. And he became my grandson, For he was my daughter’s son.

My wife is now my mother’s mom. And it surely makes me blue. Because, although she is my wife, She is my grandma too.

If my wife is my grandmother, Then I am her grandchild. And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become The strangest case you ever saw. As the husband of my grandmother, am my own grandpa!

What do you call a virgin in Arkansas?

A 12 year old that can run faster than her daddy.

Submitted by curtis
Edited by calamjo

How do u know a blonde has been on the computer… there potatoes on the
screen.

u might be a redneck if u have ever compared the size of your wiener with your dogs.

u might be a redneck if you have a cobard full of sauce packets form fast food restaurants.

u might be a redneck if u are married to your cousin and didnt know it.

you might be a redneck if u got your computer at a yard sale.

you might be a redneck if u hold your beer between your legs while driving.

you might be a redneck if u are still being breast fed.

you might be a redneck if u have a singing frog in every room.

you might be a redneck if when u kill a deer u say “whew i never fought that hard before.”

you might be a redneck if u have a dish washer and still wash dishes in your sink.

you might be a redneck if your front door is card board.

you might be a redneck if u go to las vegas with a grand and come back with nothing.

you might be a redneck if you 30 and still living in your parents basement.

you might be a redneck if you are changing a electrical wire and you say “stand back and watch the sparks fly.”

you might be a redneck if your family car is your tractor.

Ed and Ted went to the fair. They came across a small crowd gathered around a stall and went over to take a look. “What’s going on?” Ed asked one of the crowd.

“We’re watching to see if some idiot can ride that bronco machine,” he said nodding towards a fearsome looking machine. “Nobody has managed to stay on for the full three minutes yet. And there’s a prize of $1000 for anybody who can.

“I can do that!” Ed said confidently.
“No you can’t,” said Ted.
“I sure as hell can!” said Ed.

“You’ll get yourself killed if you try and ride that monster,” said Ted.
“Watch this,” said Ed and climbed aboard the bronco machine.

The machine thrashed wildly, up and down, from side to side, around in circles but still a grim-faced Ed clung to its back. After two minutes the machine was bucking almost vertically and spinning until Ed was a blur. But when the three minutes were up Ed was still on the machine’s back acknowledging the cheers and cries from the small crowd.

He dismounted, collected his winnings and rejoined Ted. “Where in hell did you learn to ride a bucking bronco like that!?” Ted asked.

“Remember three months ago,” Ed said…
“When my wife had whooping cough…?”

What do Rednecks and tornados have in common? Answer: Sooner or later, they both end up in trailer parks…..

You’re a redneck if…. You’ve been too drunk to fish.

You take a fishing pole to Sea World.The hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.You’ve ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.

Two rednecks decided that they weren’t going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic.
“What’s Logic?” the first redneck asks.

The professor answers by saying, “Let me give you an example. Do you own a weedeater?”

“I sure do.” “Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard,” replied the professor.

“That’s real good!” says the redneck. The professor continues, “Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house.”

Impressed, the redneck says, “Amazin!” “And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife.”

“That’s Betty Mae! This is incredible!” The redneck is obviously catching on.

“Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual,” said the professor.

“You’re absolutely right! Why that’s the most fascinatin’ thing I ever heard! I cain’t wait to take that logic class!!”

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting.

“So what classes are ya takin’?” asks the friend. “Math, History, and Logic!” replies the first redneck.

“What in tarnation is logic???” asked his friend. “Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?” asked the first redneck.

“No,” his friend replied.

“Fag! Queer!”

You might be a redneck if…

Your husband spray paints the upholstery of your car to make it look new.

You can identify your friends by the sound of their mufflers.

You think OFF is a fine smelling cologne.

You put a Clapper on your headlights.

You need a dictionary to spell your name.

You don’t change your socks until the first pair rots off.

People ask your wife when her baby’s due and she’s not pregnant.

Your driveway is two tire tracks with grass growing down the middle.

You’ve ever invited friends over to show off what’s left of the squirrel that you shot with your deer gun.

You have more tires in your yard than on your trucks.

The idea for the Budweiser frogs came from listening to you and your friends trying to read the label on the bottle.

Duct tape and wire are the only two things holding your truck together.

Your bumper sticker reads “If you’re missing your cat, look in my treads. “

You think the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived.

You’ve ever parked your date next to a YIELD sign hoping she’d take the hint.

Your kids learned to shoot before they learned to walk.

You place a classified asking less than $1.

You think the freeway is the back door of the movie theater.

Higher math means counting over 10.

The lake has to be restocked after you take a bath.

You have a lucky rabbit’s foot in your pocket and a lucky rabbit nailed above your fireplace.

You might be a redneck if…

You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.

You mow your lawn and find a car.

You can spit without opening your mouth.

Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.

You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.

You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.

You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

You can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.

You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.

You participate in the “who can spit tobacco the farthest contest”.