Category: rednecks

– You wet the bed and ten people immediately know about it.
– You mow the lawn to find a truck.
– Your house moves more than your truck.
– Your grandmother has ammo and guns on her Christmas list.
– Your 1 year old has more teeth than any of your family members.
– Your car has more rust and holes than paint.
– The dog has a higher I.Q. than you.
– Any of your kids has been born on a pool table.
– Your salary comes from the offering plate.
– You think rich people work at McDonalds.
– Your clothes come from dollar general and big lots.
– Your dog closes his eyes when he sees what you’re eating.
– You have been divorced and remarried several times, but you.
– Still have the same in-laws.
– Your prom had a daycare.
– You’re considered an honor student because you finished the
fifth grade.
– You take a six pack cooler to church.
– The jack’o’lantern on your front porch has more teeth than you.
– You know more than one person named “Darryl.”

A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless practical joker, sitting at his bed side. He asked his brother how his wife was doing and his brother said, “Don’t worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you.”The husband was thinking to himself, “Oh no, what has he done now?”and asked with some trepidation, “Well, bro, what did you name them?”Whereupon, his brother replied, “I named the little girl Denise.”The husband, relieved, said, “That’s a lovely name! And what did you come up with for my son?”The brother winked and replied, “Denephew.”

You got your tater gun hangin’ over your couch in your living room as a conversation piece.You’ve ever entered yourself in a “Howdy Doody Look-alike” Contest.Your lips move while reading a stop sign.

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

What do you call the pope?

Your Holiness

What do you call the Queen of England?

Your Majesty

What do you call a judge?

Your Honour

What do you call the US-Foreign Secretary?

Nigger

At the end of the workday, one cowboy tells another, “That new bull nearly did me in today, pard.”

“Oh yeah, what happened?”

“I was putting out the feed, when the sucker came charging at me like a locomotive from hell. Damn near got me!”

“So, how’d you get away?”

“The bull kept slipping. He slipped three times, and that gave me a chance to make the fence and jump over.”

“Man, that’s scary. If it’d been me, I’d probably have shit all over the place.”

“What do you think that bull was slipping in?”

You’re a redneck if …. You go to a bowling alley that has valet parking.

you might be a redneck if your auto box is made of mail parts–no…if your mailbox is made of auto parts

A farmer, talking to a neighbor, is bragging about his favorite
pig that he owns. He points the pig out to the neighbor. The
neighbor said, “That pig only has three legs–He ain’t worth a
hoot.” The farmer indignantly replied, “That pig saved my life!
One day I was on my tractor plowing the field near a ditch when
my tractor got too close to the ditch and turned on it’s side
trapping me below it with mud up to my nose. That pig burrowed
under the tractor and got me by the back of my collar and
dragged me to safety.”

“That’s marvelous!” said the neighbor, “But what about the three
legs?”

“Oh, a prize pig like that, you just don’t eat all at once!”
replied the farmer.

You have hot flashes at a cattle auction.

A goose laid an egg in a redneck’s garden.

The owner of the goose went round to his house and asked for the
egg.

“Sorry man,” came the reply, “In these parts, if goose lays egg
in garden, owner of garden gets egg!”

The goose owner said, “Where I come from, we settle disputes
like this: I kick you in your nuts, you kick me in mine and so
on until one gives in. The winner gets the egg.”

The redneck replied, “Seems ok to me, go ahead.”

At this, the goose owner took a run at the redneck and landed
his boot smack in the middle of the redneck’s groin. The redneck
kneeled over in agony and sat on the floor to recover. He then
shouted over to the goose guy and said, “Ok now it’s my turn.”

The goose guy replied, “Naa, you keep the egg!”

Bubba’s old lady had been pregnant for some time, and now the time had come. He brought her to the doctor, and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Bubba and said, “Hey, Bubba! You just had you a son!”Bubba got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, “Hold on, son! We ain’t finished yet!” The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, “Hey, Bubba! Hey, you got you a daughter!”Bubba got kind of puzzled by this, and then the doctor says, “Hold on, we still ain’t finished!” The doctor then delivered another boy and said, “Bubba, you just had another boy! But don’t worry, ’cause that’s it!”So, Bubba and his wife went home with the three children. When they got home, they sat down and began talking. Bubba said, “Mama, you remember that night that we ran out of K-Y and we had to use that 3-in-1 Oil?”She said, “Yeah, I do.”Bubba said, “Man, it’s a good thing we didn’t use no WD-40!

If your a redneck, you would let your 12 year old daughter smoke at the table in front of her kid.