Category: rednecks

You think “dual airbags” refers to your wife and mother-in-law.Shopping for dinner involves an orange vest.Your school dress code contains the line “Shoes Optional”.

You prefer the Sears catolog to Charmin.Your blood alcohol content has ever exceeded your I.Q.You think deer hunting should be an olympic sport.

‘Twas the night before Christmas And all through the trailer
Not a creature was stirrin’ ‘Cept a redneck named Taylor.
His first name was Bubba, Joe was his middle,
And a-runnin’ down his chin Was a trickle of spittle.
His socks, they were hung by the chimney with care,
And therefore there was a foul stench in the air.

That Bubba got scared And rousted the boys.
There was Rufus, 12; Jim Bob was 11;
Dud goin’ on 10; Otis was 7.
John, George and Chucky Were 5,4, and 3:
The twins were both girls So they let them be.

They jumped in their overalls, No need for a shirt,
Threw a hat on each head, Then turned with a jerk.
They ran to the gun rack That hung on the wall.
There were 17 shotguns; They grabbed them all.

Bubba said to the young’uns, “Now hesh up ya’ll!
The last thing we wanna do Is wake up yer Maw.”
Maw was expecting And needed her sleep,
So out they crept out the door without making a peep.

They all looked around, and then they all spit.
The young’uns asked Bubba, “Paw, what is it?”
Bubba just stared; He could not say a word.
This was just like all of the stories he’d heard.

It was Santy Claus on the roof, Darn tootin’
But the boys didn’t know; They was about to start shootin’!
They aimed their shotguns and nearly made a mistake
That would have resulted in venison steak.
Bubba hollered out, “Don’t shoot, boys!”
That’s Santy Claus And he’s brought us some toys.

The dogs were a-barkin’ And a-raisin’ cain,
And Bubba whistled, and shouted, And called them by name.
“Down, Spot! Shut up Bullet! Quiet, Pete and Roscoe!
Git, Turnip and Tater and Sam and Bosco!”

“Git down from that porch! Git down off that wall!
Quit shakin the trailer, Or you’ll make Santy fall!”
The dogs kept a-barkin’ And wouldn’t shut up,
And they trampled poor Pete Who was only a pup.

Santy opened his bag, And threw out some toys.
Bubba got most, But left a few for the boys.
Since the guns had been dropped He just might not die.

He jumped in his sleigh, Told his reindeer to hurry.
The trailer started to wobble Santa started to worry.
Just as the reindeer Got into the air,
The trailer collapsed, But Bubba didn’t care.

He was busy lookin’ At all his new toys.
Then a thought hit him, And he said to the boys:
“Go check on yer Maw, Make sure she’s all right.
That roof fallin’ on her Could-a hurt just a might.”

But Maw was OK, And the girls were too.
They fixed up the trailer; It looked good as new.
And as for Bubba, He liked Old St. Nick,
But Santa thought Bubba Was a pure-in-tee hick!

Bubba had a nice Christmas, And the boys did, too.
And the Taylors wish A Merry Christmas to you!

You might be a redneck if walker texas ranger changed your life.

You prefer to walk the excess length off your jeans rather then hem them.

You’ve ever done your Christmas shopping at a truck stop.

You might be a redneck Jedi if…Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color.You have ever used your lightsaber to open a bottle of Jack Daniel’s. You think the best use of your lightsaber is picking your teeth. At least one wing of your X-Wing is Bondo colored. There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder. You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder. You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok… without using the word “chicken”.You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks. You think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets. A peaceful meditation session is one without gas. You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not THE force. Your master ever said “My finger you will pull..hmmm?” You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard. You ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to spit. The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters. Wookies are offended by your B.O.You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn’t have to wait for a commercial.You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling. You have ever used a lightsaber to clean fish or open a non-twist-off bottle of beer.Your father has ever said to you, “Shoot, son come on over t’ the dark side.. .it’ll be a hoot.”You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the bar-b-q grill to light.The moonshine still you built on Endor is hidden so well even the Ewoks can’t find it.You have a stuffed womp rat anywhere in your home. You think the symbol for the Rebel Alliance should be the Confederate flag. More than half the droids you own don’t function. The number of blasters you own exceeds your I.Q. You wonder why Luke and Leia gave up on getting married. You used a carbon-freezing chamber to mount the Wampa you shot while on vacation on Hoth.Your moonshine is made on a real moon.You don’t like wearing a Jedi robe because it prevents access to the dip stored in your back pocket.Sandpeople back down from your mama.You’ve ever used Jedi mind control to talk your way out of a speeding ticket or DUI.You’ve ever strangled someone with the force because they laughed at your accent.You built an outhouse over the Sarlaac. You’ve ever argued with a Jawa over scavenging rights to a broken droid. A Wookie has ever told you that you need to shave. You have ever wrecked a landspeeder while trying to light a cigarette with your lightsaber.You don’t think the Ewoks are primitive. You think an AT-AT looks like a giant cow. You don’t think Jabba’s pig guards have a hygiene problem. The Rancor monster refused to eat you.

How do you know when you’re staying in a Kentucky hotel?
When you call the front desk and say “I’ve gotta leak in my
sink,” and the person at the front desk says “go ahead.”

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Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in
Tennessee to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!

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What do they call reruns of “Hee Haw” in Mississippi?
A documentary.

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Where was the toothbrush invented?
Oklahoma. If it was invented anywhere else it would have been
called a teethbrush.

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A Mississippi State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40.
He says to the driver, “Got any ID?”
The driver says, “Bout What?”

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Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Texas State Lottery?
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

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Why did O.J. Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.

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Did you hear that the governor’s mansion in Little Rock,
Arkansas, burned down?
Yep. Pert’ near took out the whole trailer park.

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What’s the best thing to ever come out of Arkansas?
I-40.

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Two Mississippians are walking down different ends of a street
toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet,
one says, “Hey, Tommy Ray, what’cha got in th’ bag?”
“Jus’ some chickens.”
“If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?”
“Shoot, ya guesses right and I’ll give you both of them.”
“OK, Ummmmmm…..five?”

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What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas, and a
hurricane in Florida have in common?
Somebody’s fixin’ to lose them a trailer.

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A Mississippian came home and found his house on fire, he rushed
next door, telephoned the fire department, and shouted, “Hurry
over here, my house is on fire!” “OK,” replied the fireman, “
How do we get there?
“Shucks, don’t you still have those big red trucks?”

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Why do folks in Kentucky go to the movie theater in groups of 18
or more?
Cuz 17 and under not admitted.

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Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator
told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.
“Where do you live?” asked the operator.
Bubba replied, “At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.”
The operator asked, “Can you spell that for me?”
There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, “How ’bout if I
drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?”

Two redneck guys go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.The first day they go fishing, but they don’t catch anything.The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day.It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.As they’re driving home they’re really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, “Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?”The other guy says, “Wow! It’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more!”

Your house has a kickstand.You drive around a parking lot for fun.Your girlfriend has ever called YOUR parents “Ma and Pa”.

Little Bubba was in English class when the teacher asked him to use the word “European” in a sentence.

After thinking quite some time, Little Bubba responded, “After recess, I went to the boy’s room and told Little Billy Bob, ‘Watch what yer doin, yore a peein’ on my new boots.'”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing

A man who had just moved out to the country decides to start a farm. He goes to one nearby and asks to buy a chicken.The farmer tells the man that they don’t call them chickens there. “We say pullets.”Then the man selects a donkey. The farmer says, “We don’t call them donkeys. Here we say, asses. And, by the way, if he ever stops on you, why just hit him a few times.” Then the man asks for one more animal. He asked for a rooster.The farmer says, “We also have a slang name for them. We call them cocks.”The man was walking home, down the road with his three new animals, when all of a sudden the donkey stops in the middle of the road. A woman is also walking down the street and he asks her if she will do a favor for him.She says, “Sure, what do you need?” The man replies, “Can you hold my cock and pullet… while I slap my ass?”