Redneck quickies 7

You might be a redneck if…You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the “day my ship came in.”Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan. Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.You’ve ever barbecued Spam on the grill. You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap. The best way to keep things cold is to leave’em in the shade. You’ve ever raked leaves in your kitchen. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights. Your brother-in-law is your uncle.You entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.

True Southerners Know

True Southerners know…
* the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit.
* pretty much how many fish make up a mess.
* what general direction cattywumpus is.
* that gimme sugar don’t mean pass the sugar.
* when somebody’s “fixin” to do something it wont be LONG.
* the difference between yankees and damn yankees.
* how good a cold grape nehi and cheese crackers are at a
country store.
* knows what “well I swanee” means.
* ain’t nobodys biscuits like grandmas biscuits.
* a good dog is worth his weight in gold.
* real gravy dont come from the store.
* when “by and by” is.
* how to handle their pot likker.
* the difference between “pret’ near” and “a right far piece.”
* the difference between a redneck and a good ol’ boy.
* never go snipe hunting twice.
* at one point learned what happens when you swallow tabacco
juice.
* you should never loan your tools, pick-up, or gun to nobody.

A Redneck Affair

After living in a remote wilderness all his life, an old codger decided it was
time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks
in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, “How about that! Here’s a picture
of my daddy.” He bought the ‘picture’, but on the way home he remembered his
wife, Lezzy, didn’t like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every
morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.
Lezzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after
her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into
the glass, she fumed, “So that’s the old gal he’s running’ after! I’ll kill
him!”

Redneck Hotel

They had lived together in the backwoods for over fifty years. To celebrate their fiftieth anniversary, he took her to a large city and they checked into a plush hotel.She said to the bellman, “We refuse to settle for such a small room. No windows, no bed, and no air conditioning.””But, madam!”, replied the bellman.”Don’t ‘But madam’ me,” she continued. “You can’t treat us like we’re a couple of fools just because we don’t travel much, and we’ve never been to the big city, and never spent the night at a hotel. I’m going to complain to the manager.””Madam,” the bellman said, “this isn’t your room; this is the elevator!”

How Often?

A young hillbilly and his new bride wanted desperately to start
a family, but they didn’t know what they had to do to have
children. So, they decided to visit a doctor.

With a great deal of embarrassment, the young redneck explained
their situation. The doctor took out his charts and books for
adolescents and carefully explained the birds and the bees. The
two looked bewilderedly at each other, then at the doctor.

The doctor attempted to explain in various ways and terms the
ins and outs of human reproduction. The same result.

Finally, exasperated, the doctor laid the bride on the
examination table, removed all her clothing, and had 2 hours of
wild sex with her, all while she squeeled with delight, orgasm
after orgasm.

Finally finished, he then turned to the young hillbilly and
asked, “NOW do you understand?”

“Yes, doctor,” the hillbilly responded, “but just one question.”

Slapping his forehead in total disbelief, the doctor squawked,
“Yes, WHAT is it now?”

How often do I have to bring her in?”

A Redneck Letter

Dear Son,

I am writing this slow, ’cause I know you can’t read fast. We
don’t live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the
paper where most accidents happen within twenty miles of home so
we moved. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put
your shirts in it, I pulled the chain, and haven’t seen them
since.

It only rained twice this week. Three days the first time, and
four days the second. The coat you wanted me to send you, your
aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail
with them big heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in
the pockets. We got a bill from the funeral home, said if we
didn’t make the last payment on Grandma’s funeral bill, up she
comes. Your uncle John fell in the whiskey vat, some men tried
to pull him out, but he fought then off playfully, so he
drowned. We cremated him. He burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup, one was
driving, the other two were in the back. The driver got out, he
rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two
drowned, they couldn’t get the tailgate down.

Not much more news this time. Nothing much has happened. Write
more later.

Love,

Mom

P.S. I was going to send you some money, but I already had this
sealed.

You know you’re from Georgia when:

1. You measure distance in minutes.

2. You’ve had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day.

3. Stores don’t have bags; they have sacks.

4. Stores don’t have shopping carts; they have buggies.

5. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it, no
matter what time of the year.

6. You use “fix” as a verb. Example: I am fixing to go to the store.

7. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable,
grain, or animal.

8. You install security lights on your house, garage, and leave both unlocked.

9. You carry jumper cables in your car … for your OWN car.

10. You know what “cow tipping” and “snipe hunting” is.

11. You only own four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.

12. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.

13. You think sexy lingerie is a tee shirt and boxer shorts.

14. The local papers covers national and international news on one page but
requires 6 pages for sports.

15. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

16. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

17. You find 90 degrees F “a little warm.”

18. You know all four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and
Christmas.

19. You know whether another Georgian is from southern, middle, or northern
Georgia as soon as they open their mouth.

20. There is a Dairy Queen in every town with a population of 1000 or more.

21. Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past time known as “going wal-martin” or
off to “Wally World.”

22. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chili weather.

23. A carbonated soft drink isn’t a soda, cola, or pop … it’s a Coke,
regardless of brand or flavor.

24. You understand these jokes and forward them to all your friends from
Georgia.

Redneck Vacation

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, “Ya know, I reckon I’m ’bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I’m gonna do it a little different!

“The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.

“Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn’t get pregnant again.”

Luther asks Billy Bob, “So, what you gonna do this year that’s different?”

Billy Bob says, “This year I’m taking Earline with me.”

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by yisman