Category: rednecks

A farmer in Arkansas and his wife were lying in bed one evening, she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the page and says to her, “Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?”She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, “Oh yeah? Prove it.”He frowns for a moment, then says, “O.K.” He then gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.About half an hour later he returns all tired and sweaty and says, “Well, I’m sure the cow and sheep didn’t, but the way that pig squealed, it’s hard to tell.”

Do you qualify to be a redneck? Find out below! * You might be a redneck if your toilet paper has page numbers on it! * You might be a redneck if you’re considered an expert on worm beds! * You might be a redneck if you recycle motor oil by moving it from the car to the truck! * You might be a redneck if you sell your car for gas money. * You might be a redneck if your wife wears the same underwear as you do. * You might be a redneck if you have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard! * You might be a redneck if there has ever been a crime scene tape across your bathroom door! * You might be a redneck if you believe books are bad luck! * You might be a redneck if rather than drinking the sacramental wine at church you bring your own! * You might be a redneck if the most common phrase in your house is, “Someone go jiggle the handle.” * You might be a redneck if one of your kids was born on a pool table! * You might be a redneck if going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves shoes and a flashlight. * You might be redneck if your house has more miles on it than your car! * You might be a redneck if your wife repeatedly has to tell you to take your transmission off the table! * You might be a redneck if you learned to drive in a monster truck! * You might be a redneck if “Bambi” made you hungry for rabbit! * You might be a redneck if you believe All-Star Wrestling! * You might be a redneck if you recycle motor oil by moving it from the car to the truck!

– I thought Grace land was tacky.
– No kids in the back of the pick-up, it’s not safe.
– Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering?
– Wrestling�s fake.
– “Alex, I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000.”
– Duct tape won’t fix that.
– Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
– Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken.
– We don’t keep firearms in this house.
– Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
– You can’t feed that to the dog.
– Honey, did you mail that donation to Green peace?
– We’re vegetarians.
– Do you think my hair is too big?
– I’ll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
– I’ve got it all on a floppy disk.
– Unsweetened tea tastes better.
– My fianc�e, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s.
– I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
– Elvis who?
– Would you like you fish poached or broiled?
– Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
– Who’s Richard Petty?
– Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
– Deer heads detract from the decor.
– Spitting is such a nasty habit.
– I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
– Trim the fat off that steak.
– Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
– The tires on that truck are too big.
– I’ll have the argali and radicchio salad.
– I don’t have a favorite college team.
– Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
– Checkmate.
– She’s too old to be wearing a bikini.
– Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
– Hey, here’s an episode of “He Haw” that we haven’t seen.
– I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
– Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.

The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recuiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. So, he directed that a nearby Air Force base be opened and that all elgible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near an brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, “Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?” The young man looks at him and says, “I’m a pilot!” The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, “Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!” The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked,”What skills to you bring to the Air Force?” The young man says, “I chop wood!” “Son,” the general replies, “we don’t need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?” “I chop wood!” “Young man,” huffs the general, “you are not listening to me, we don’t need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!” “Well,” the young man says, “you hired my brother!” “Of course we did,” says the general, “he’s a pilot!” The young man rolls his eyes and says, “Dang it, I have to chop it before he can pile it!”

You’re a redneck if …. You hit a bump in the road and lose half of your
worldly possessions.

You’re a redneck if…. You go to a Tupperware party for a haircut.

Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.

Why did God invent armadillos?

So that rednecks can have ‘possum on the half shell.

Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they’ve got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.You dated your daddy’s current wife in high school.You’re moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing “I Will Always Love You”.

you are a red neck if you take your dog for a walk and you both use the tree on the corner.

You just bought your family their lst Atari game system.You and your wife celebrate your anniversay at the K-mart cafeteria.You think the only tools “real men” need are duck tape and caulk, and you have sucessful repair projects to prove it.

You know you’re a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since “Smokey and the Bandit” was snubbed for best picture.