Category: rednecks

A redneck cowboy rides into town on a hot blistering day riding his horse with his dog following. He ties his horse and dog under the shade of a tree and goes into the bar for a cold beer. About twenty minutes later a policeman comes in and asks who owns the dog tied under the tree. The redneck cowboy tells him that its his. The policeman says, “Your dog is in heat.”The redneck cowboy answers, “No way the dog’s in heat; he’s cool cause he’s tied under the shade of the tree.”The policeman says, “No! you don’t understand, your dog needs to be bred.”The redneck sowboy shakes his head and says, “No way dog needs bread, he’s not hungry, I gave him beef jerky this morning.”The policeman finally gets mad and says, “Look, your dog wants to have sex.”The redneck cowboy looks at him and says, “Go ahead; I always wanted a policedog!”

You have ever been accused of lying through your tooth.

You’re a redneck if…. You won’t stop at a rest area if you have an empty
beer can in the car.

– You think “loading the dishwasher” means getting your wife
drunk.

– You ever cut your grass and found a car.

– You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren’t.

– You think the stock market has a fence around it.

– Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Drive-in Theater.

– Your boat has not left the drive-way (or front yard) in 15
years.

– You own a homemade fur coat.

– The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

– You’ve ever raked leaves in your kitchen.

– Birds are attracted to your beard.

– Your wife’s job requires her to wear an orange vest.

– You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.

– You have the local taxidermist’s number on speed dial.

– You’ve ever hit a deer with your car…deliberately.

– Your school fight song was “Dueling Banjos”.

– You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.

– You’ve ever given rat traps as gifts.

– You clean your fingernails with a stick.

– Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.

– You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.

– Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

– Your mother has “ammo” on her Christmas list.

– Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.

– You’ve totaled every car you’ve ever owned.

– There are more than five McDonald’s bags in your car.

– The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.

– There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.

– You’ve ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the
monkeys.

– The tail-light covers of your car are made of red tape.

– You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

– You’ve ever bathed with flea and tick soap.

– You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.

– You’re considered an expert on worm beds.

– You take a siphon hose to “Show and Tell.”

– The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your
house.

– People hear your car a long time before they see it.

– The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.

– You prefer car keys to Q-tips.

– You take a fishing pole into Sea World.

– You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.

– You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.

– You go to a stock car race and don’t need a program.

– You’ve ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.

– You own more than 3 shirts with cut off sleeves.

– You consider a bug zapper entertainment.

– Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

– Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.

– Directions to your house include “Turn off the paved road.”

– Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.

– You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.

– Your wife’s hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.

– You see no need to stop at a rest stop ’cause you have an
empty milk jug.

– You consider the fifth grade your senior year.

– The dog can’t watch you eat without gagging.

– You have ever bar-b-qued Spam on the grill….

– You consider gravel “home improvement”.

You might be a redneck if…You’ve been to the emergency room more than 3 times for mashing the wrong end of a thumb tack.The number of times you’ve seen either Elvis or a UFO exceeds your I.Q. Any of your neighbors has ever spent Halloween night at the bottom of a hole because you moved their outhouse back about four feet. You’ve ever lost a dog to a bush hog. You’ve ever been arrested for a DUI on a riding lawn mower. You keep your teeth and your goldfish in the same glass. On average, one out of every thirty words you use can be found in a dictionary.You think Motorola is a fancy name for a car part. You give your girlfriend long-thorned roses hoping she won’t ask for them again.You borrow your wedding flowers from Wal-Mart. You think Hamlet is on the McDonald’s breakfast menu. Your kids are going hungry tonight because you had to see your maw run her car at the dirt track race.Your dad says, “Let’s hit the road for dinner,” and then grabs a shovel. You ever called your sister “Mom” and didn’t have to correct yourself. The directions to your bathroom include, “Go past the big oak and hang a left at the woodshed.”You’re in bed with your wife and you call out a name you gave to a coon you killed.You’ve ever been arrested for where you got your girlfriend roses. Your old car is now considered the main storage unit. Every magazine on your coffee table has a piece of toilet paper for a bookmark.Charlie Daniels is your commencement speaker.

Ida Mae passed away and Bubba called 911.

The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.

“Where do you live?” asked the operator.

Bubba replied, “At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.”

The operator asked, “Can you spell that for me?”

After a long pause, Bubba said, “How ’bout I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?”

Edited by Calamjo and Curtis

Three cowboys, a Texan, a Californian, and an Oregonian, were sitting around a campfire smoking, drinking and having a good time. The Texan takes a full bottle of the finest tequila, throws it up in the air and shoots it to pieces. The Californian and Oregonian are clearly dismayed at that show, and ask “Now what’d you go and do THAT for?” The Texan just drawled “Where I come from, we got a lot of those.”

Not to be outdone, the Californian reaches in his saddle bag and pulls out a full bottle of the best Californian wine there is. He throws the bottle in the air, whips out his gun, and shoots it to pieces. The Oregonian and the Texan both groan, but the Californian is quick to point out “Where I come from, we’ve got a lot of those.”

Next the Oregonian pulls out a bottle of the best microbrew beer that Portland makes. He throws the bottle high up in the air, takes out his gun, shoots the Californian, catches the bottle, and proceeds to drink the beer. Horrified, the Texan asks why he would go and do a thing like that. “Well, where I come from, we got a lot of those, but the bottle’s worth a nickel.”

Your lifetime goal is to own your own fireworks stand.

You’re a redneck if…. Your dog can’t watch you eat without gagging.

Questions and answers selected from tests in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to
16 year old students! (Don’t laugh too hard – one of these may be the president
someday.)
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants
like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to
flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors
a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets a election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts – the brainier, the borax, and the
abdominal cavity. The cranium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart
and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie

Q: What does “varicose” mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term “Caesarean Section�.
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

Q: What does the word “benign” mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.

You might be a redneck if…

Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.

You’ve been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.

You fish in your above-ground pool. . . and catch something.

When a sign that says “Say No To Crack!” reminds you to pull up your jeans.

Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.

Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.

Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they’ve got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.

You dated your daddy’s current wife in high school.

You’re moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing “I Will Always Love You”.

You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.

Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.

The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (your insurance man is a redneck too if he pays you for it).

You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.

You’ve ever hit a deer with your car…deliberately.

You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.

Your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.

Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.

Your dad is also your favorite uncle.

Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.

During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.

A rural couple had made sacrifices to save money to send their only son to college. Once there, he began to grown long sideburns, a mustache, and a goatee. When his facial hair was luxurious enough to satisfy him, he had his photograph taken and mailed it home with a note that read: “Do you like the photo? Do you think it makes me look like a count?”

“You idiot!” His father wrote back. “Here we are spending a fortune on your education and you can’t even SPELL!”