Category: rednecks

There was 3 rednecks in New York City. One day while sight seeing they ran upon a whorehouse. Excited, they entered the whorehouse like kids entering a toy store.
The first redneck had $5.00, the second redneck had $10.00, and the third redneck had $15.00.

The first redneck approached the lady behind the desk and said ” I got $5.00!

What do I get for $5.00?”

The lady spoke over the intercom and said “Ginger– take this getleman upstairs and give him $5.00 worth!”

The first redneck came back downstairs grinning from ear to ear.

The oter two rednecks said “Man, what did you get for $5.00?”

The first redneck explained that she took it out of his pants she put whipped cream all over it, then licked it all off.

This exited the 2nd redneck and he quickly approached the lady at the desk. He said “Okay, I have $10.00!What do I get for $10.00?”

The lady spoke over the intercom and said” Tasha, take this gentleman upstairs and give him $10.00 worth!”

The 2nd redneck came downstairs, grinning from ear to ear, as if he was on Cloud Nine.

The other two rednecks met him and asked” Man, what did you get for $10.00?”

The 2nd redneck explained she took it out of his pants, put whipped cream on it, nuts and chocolate topping and she licked it all off.

This excited the 3rd redneck, so he nervously approached the lady at the desk and said, “I have $15.00. What can I get for $15.00?”

The lady turned on the intercom again and said” Melissa, take this gentleman upstairs and give him $15.00 worth!”

The 3rd redneck came downstairs with a huge frown on his face, and on the brink of tears.

Curious, the other 2 rednecks asked, “Man, why are you so sad. What could’ve went wrong? You had $15.00?”

The 3rd redneck said, “Boys, she took it out of my pants, put whipped cream all over it. Then she put strawberries, pinapple topping, chocolate syrup,nuts and a big cherry on top! It looked so good I ate it myself.”

Benign……………………..What you be after you be eight.

Bacteria……………………Back door to cafeteria.

Barium…………………….What doctors do when patients die.

Cesarean Section……….A neighborhood in Rome.

Catscan……………………Searching for Kitty.

Cauterize………………….Made eye contact with her.

Colic……………………….A sheep dog.

Coma………………………A punctuation mark.

D&C……………………….Where Washington is.

Dilate………………………To live long.

Enema……………………..Not a friend.

Fester………………………Quicker than someone else.

Fibula………………………A small lie.

G.I.Series………………..World Series of military baseball.

Hangnail………………….What you hang your coat on.

Impotent………………….Distinguished, well known.

Labor Pain……………….Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff…………….A Doctor’s cane.

Morbid……………………A higher offer than I bid.

Nitrates…………………..Cheaper than day rates.

Node………………………I knew it.

Outpatient……………….A person who has fainted.

Pap Smear……………….A fatherhood test.

Pelvis………………………Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative………….A letter carrier.

Recovery Room………..Place to do upholstery.

Rectum…………………..Damn near killed him.

Secretion…………………Hiding something

Seizure……………………Roman emperor.

Tablet…………………….A small table.

Terminal Illness………..Getting sick at the airport.

Tumor……………………More than one.

Urine……………………..Opposite of mine.

Varicose………………….Near by/close by

You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.You bring your dog to work with you.Your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.

You might be a redneck if. . .

You think harass is two words.
You consider fast food hitting a deer at 65 MPH.
Every day someone comes to your house mistakingly thinking your having a yard sale.
Fifth grade was the best six years of your life.
You have more dogs than the local shelter.
You consistantly receive credit card offers with a limit of $1.25.
Your postman puts rubber gloves on when the red flag is up on your mailbox.

How do you know when your staying in an Arkansas hotel?
When you call the front desk and say, “I’ve gotta leak in my sink,” and the person at the front desk says, “Go ahead!”

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!

Why did God invent armadillos?
So that rednecks can have ‘possum on the halfshell!

Definition of an Arkansas Virgin:
A girl who can run faster than her brothers.

You’ve given your gun a woman’s name.Baling wire and a pair of pliers are what you consider high tech tools.You go to the post office to research your family tree.

A hot shot East Coast newspaper reporter was on assignment in Arkansas, when he struck up a conversation with a young lady in a bar. After a half dozen drinks, he suggested they get their own bottle and retire to his motel room, and she readily agreed.”Say, how old are you anyway?”the reporter asked as the obviously young lass was disrobing.”Thirteen,” she replied with a shy smile.”Thirteen ??? My God, girl !!! You get those clothes back on at once at get the hell outta here ! Are you crazy ?”he thundered.Pausing briefly at the door as she left, the perplexed nymphet smiled and said, “Superstitious, huh ?”

Two buddies were speeding through the great state of Alabama when to their surprise, out pops a state trooper and pulls them over. The state trooper approaches the driver side of the vehicle and taps on the window. The driver rows the window down. The state trooper smacks him on the back of the head and ask for license and registration. The trooper then proceeds to write him a ticket and has the driver sign it. But, just before leaving, the trooper walks around to the passenger side of the vehicle and taps on the window. The passenger rows the window and smack the trooper goes upside his head. The passenger says, “What was that for?” The trooper says, “Just making all your dreams come true!” The passenger confused and dazed says, what? Trooper replies, when you get down the road there a ways you’re going to say to your buddy,”I wish he would have tried that shit with me!”

Your mounted deer head sports a baseball cap and sunglasses.

You might be a redneck if…

More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.

You think the stock market has a fence around it.

You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.

You’ve ever lost a loved one to kudzu.

Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.

You’ve ever used lard in bed.

Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.

You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

You’ve ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame

You might be a redneck if…

Your `huntin dawg’ cost more than the truck you drive him around in.

You have a Hefty bag for a convertible top.

Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.

You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.

You have the taxidermist’s number on speed-dial.

You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.

You’ve been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.

You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.

You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.

There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid.

The office worker asked her, “How many children do you have?”

“Ten,” she replied.

“What are their names?” he asked.

“David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David,” she answered.

“They’re all named David?” he asked “What if you want them to come in from playing outside?”

“Oh, that’s easy,” she said. “I just call ‘David,’ and they all come running in.”

“And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?”

“I just say, ‘David, come eat your dinner’,” she answered.

“But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?” he asked.

“Oh, that’s easy,” she said. “I just use their last name!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Calamjo

Two boys are playing football in the Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by a Rottweiler.

Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog’s collar and twists, breaking the dog’s neck.

A reporter who is strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

“Forty Niners fan saves friend from vicious animal”, he starts writing in his notebook.

“But I’m not a Niners fan,” the boy replies.

“Oakland Raiders fan rescues friend from horrific attack,” says the reporter as he writes in his notebook.

“I’m not a Raiders fan either,” the boy says.

“Then what are you?” the reporter asks.

“I’m a Cowboys fan!” the boy says proudly.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, “Redneck bastard kills family pet!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown