Category: rednecks

You might be a redneck if…You’ve totaled every car you’ve ever owned. There are more than five McDonald’s bags currently on the floorboard of your car.Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette. There is a wasp nest in your living room. The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice. You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday. There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door. You burn your front yard rather than mow it. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say “Coolwip” on the side……….you might be a Redneck

If your working T.V. sits on top of ur NON-working T.V. ……….you might be a Redneck

If you think a “courter horse” is that ride in front of Kmart……….you might be a Redneck

If the biggest city youve ever been too is Walmart……….you might be a Redneck

You’re a redneck if…. You’re a late beer drinker, because you start drinking
when it gets light.

There are two theories to arguing’ with a woman; neither one works.

Don’t worry about biting’ off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a
whole lot binger�s you think.
If you get to thinking’ you’re a person of some influence, try ordering’
somebody else’s dog around.
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.
He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging’.
Never smack a man who’s chewing’ tobacco.
It don’t take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you’re out of good whiskey.
Good judgment comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgment.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.
If you’re riding’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to
make sure it’s still there.
When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don’t be
surprised if they learn their lesson.
When you’re throwing’ your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by
somebody else.
Letting’ the cat outtalk the bag is a whole lot easier ‘n putting’ it back
in.
Always take a good look at what you’re about to eat. It’s not so important
to know what it is, but it’s critical to know what it was.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in
your pocket.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.

YOU MIGHT BE REDNECK IF
— Your computer stand is made of a stack of old tires or 2 x 8’s and
cinderblocks.– You think www. in a burl is a logo for a wrestling
organization.
— Someone tells You they’re “locked up” and You ask if they need
bail money.
— You’ve ever been too drunk to chat.– Your screen saver is a confederate
flag and plays Dixie.
— You think a hard drive is a trip to Uncle Bubba’s.
— Your mouse keeps knocking over your spit can.
— You think a surge suppressor is a pill for diarrhea.
— You keep trying to figure out why your scanner won’t pick up police radio
calls.
— You think a megabyte is a new sandwich at McDonalds.
— You have to ask someone how to spell LOLL.
— You stomach overlaps half of your keyboard.
— You try to figure out how to get your empty beer cans into the recycling
bin.
— You try to turn on Your computer with the remote.
— You try to figure out how Your floppy disk got hard.
— You play Frisbee with your CD Room�s.
— You find yourself on the floor looking into your “A Drive” yelling ‘Give it
back! Give it Back’.
— When birds fly across your screen an you reach for Your shotgun.
— You put a mousetrap on your desk.
— Your yard is full of old computers stacked on cinder blocks.
— You use Your CD-ROM drive as a beer holder.
— You call tech support an ask where to buy stamps for your e-mail.
— When You tern your computer on you says, “Come OOOOOOON Betsy.”
— You think system wizard is a dude in a funny hat.
— You think 64 M RAM is a new big block engine for Your pickup.
— You think ICE is how smart your computer is.
— Someone tells you that your computer has a bug an you reach for the can of
Raid.
— You think a mouse pad is where Mighty Mouse and his cousins hang.
— You go buy a surfboard to surf the net.
— You think your homepage is where you really live.
— You give directions to a website that include a person, animal, or old
barn.
— You think MB stands for “More Beer�.
— You wait for the Blue light special at K-Mart to buy your computer.
— You see the word Download, and take the shells out of your shotgun.
— You think the person that made your keyboard was dumb ‘cusp the letters
aren’t in order.
— You think pushing the delete key will make your old’ lady disappear.
— You think CD stands for Cow Dung.
— You think GIF stands for “Goodie It’s Free�.
— You think Metabolism is a new brand of smokes.– You see the “shift” key
and try to figure out how to change gears.
— You wonder why your screen saver isn�t wearing a cape like that there
superhero on the cartoons.
— You think screen saver is a new flavor o’ candy.
— You think Geocities is a place to buy little cars.
— You catch yourself trying to smell the little flower on your ICE contact
list.
— You think the “A drive” is where you park your pickup.
— You see the word “Zip” and know why you were feeling a draft.
— Your computer has a bumper sticker on it.
— Part of Your computer is held together with duct tape.
— You see the word “Refresh” and reach into the cooler for another beer.
— You�re in a chat room and someone asks where you�re from and you reply, “My
momma�.
— You see the word “Website” and start looking for spiders.

How can you tell if a redneck is married?

There is tobacco spit stains on both sides of his pickup truck.

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was “Timbuktu.”First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:Slowly across the desert sand Trekked a lonely caravan; Men on camels, two by two,Destination Timbuktu.The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:Me and Tim a huntin’ went. Met three whores in a pop up tent. They was three, and we was two, So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.The redneck won hands down!

When I was young and I had no sense
stuck my peter in a letric fence
curled my hair, tickled my toes, made me do in my underdrawers!

What do you call a bunch of tractors parked in front of
McDonalds on a friday night in Iowa?

********PROM********

poop stinks

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small southern town out in the country. She orders the chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast she starts to choke on a chicken bone. Well these two country boys in the next booth notice she is choking so they get up and go over to help her.

The first country boy drops his coveralls and bends over and the second country boy starts licking his butt. The woman watches these two go at it and is grossed out. She pukes all over the place dislodging the chicken bone from her throat.

The country boy pulls his overalls back up and says to the other, “You’re right Leroy, that ‘hind-lick’ maneuver works like a charm”.

A redneck returns to the doctors after having some tests and asks what the results were.

The doctor explains that he has some bad news, in fact, the patient is HIV positive.

“Hell, “says the man, “You can’t trust anybody nowadays, not even your own kids!”