Category: rednecks

You’re a redneck if…. Your riches relative invites you over to his new home
to help remove the wheels and install the skirt.

You might be a rednack if…

You’ve ever worn hunter’s orange to church.

You have barnyard animals living in your house.

Every pair of jeans you own has a tobacco can ring worn in one of the rear pockets.

Your truck has a bumper sticker that reads, “Gun control is a steady hand.”

Your wife has ever torn her hose on the boogers stuck under the front of the pickup seat.

You have ever had a special loaded gun by the back door only for use on possums.

You have ever shot a possum on your porch.

You don’t use a garbage service because it must be placed up near the mail box and you can’t see far enough thru the trees to shoot the neighbors’ dogs when they get into it.

You only go to the dump when you have enough to fill up the pickup.

You have more than 500 rounds of ammunition in your house….not including 22 caliber.

You have guns in your house that you cannot find.

You think a night of fine dining is going to the Snack Bar at Wal-Mart while the automotive department is raising your truck another 8 inches.

You think Wal-Mart is expensive.

You’ve got more guns “On Display” than Wal-Mart Sporting Goods.

You have ever written a check for less than a dollar.

Your horse wears shoes, but you don’t.

It doesn’t bother you when you walk through a barn barefooted.

You name your twin boys Jack and Daniel.

You ask your 10-year old son how to spell a word.

Your dog is your alarm clock.

‘Your honor, ‘ explained the young man, ‘I’d like to get married, please.”All right, what is your age?”I’m 22, sir.”And the age of the bride?”She’s 15, sir.”15??? That’s too young — marrying you would be against the law!”I see, ‘ said the young man. ‘Could you try explaining that to the fella next to her with the shotgun?’

A lady walks into a restaraunt and orders the blue plate special. It’s the chicken. She’s eating for about 5 minutes, and suddenly she starts choking on a bone.

Two hillbillies at the next table decided to help. One of them had an idea and wispered it to the other.

After agreeing to what the other one had wispered, one of them pulled down their pants and bends over. The other hillbillie started licking his butt, and almost immediately, the woman throws up spitting out the bone.

The two hilbillies high-five each other, and one says to the other –
“I told you that hind-lick manuever would work!!!”

You might be a redneck if…

You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.

You’ve never paid for a haircut.

You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.

There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.

You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just “misunderstood”.

You’ve ever made change in the offering plate.

The fifth grade is referred to as “your senior year.”

You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve…

You own at least 20 baseball hats.

You think a ‘cursor’ is someone who swears a lot.

Two Rednecks were sitting at the rural area bar, lamenting their lack of a sex life.

One looks out the window, and across the road is a sheep stuck half way through a fence, with its butt facing the tavern.

One drunk says, “I sure wish that sheep was Marilyn Monroe.”

The other says, “I just wish it were dark.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

Redneck Driver’s Test Application:

Plea complete this paper, best ya can.

Last name: ________________ First name:
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: [_]M [_]F Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician

Spouse’s Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse’s Name:___________________________
3rd Spouse’s Name: __________________________

Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___

Mother’s Name: ___________________(include first and last)
Father’s Name: ___________________(include first and last)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
If you obtained a higher education, what was your major?
[_] 5th grade [_] 6th grade

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Age you started drivin ______
(If over 10 are you are still slow learning? [_] Yes * [_] No)

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen ____# of firearms
____ bedroom ____ bathroom/outhouse
____ shed ____ pawnshop

Model and year of your pickup:
_____________ 194_
Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun [_] Bass masters_

___ Number of times you’ve seen a UFO
___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis
___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable

How many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man [_] Shoal

How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don’t know

Why do driver education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table…no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.”

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

A farmer in his pickup truck in Alabama was driving across a
bridge when he noticed a man standing on the rail of the bridge
ready to jump to his death in the river below. The man stopped
his truck, ran up to the man and said, “Hey fellow, why are you
doing this?”

The man replied, “I have nothing to live for.”

The Alabama man said, “Think of your wife and children!”

The jumper replied, “I have no wife or children.”

The Alabama man then said, “Then think of your mother and
father!”

The man replied, “Mom and dad passed on many years back.”

The Alabama man then said, “Think of General Robert E. Lee!”

The would-be jumper replied, “Who?”

With that the Alabama man said, “Jump you damn Yankee, jump!”

–Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
–Is it okay to bring a date to a wedding? Not if you are the groom.
–When dancing, never remove undergarments; no matter how hot it is.
–Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you cut.
–A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost-effective, but also a
proven fly deterrent.
–For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a
clean bowling shirt can create a nice appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes
to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

Hi y’all…muh name id’s Bubba and dis is muh fameily:

Furst is me… Mom said I got all the good looks and no brains. I love being a babe hound. Girls make spit roll down my chin. I have a stomach problem and fart alot.

My Mom has lots of boyfriends. One of them has a job. She says with a little luck I could be a garbage man one day.

My brother Hank is in jail right now. When he gets out he is not allowed to be around animals and kitchen appliances.

My grandmom lives with us in our trailer. Shes smells real bad. She likes to hang out in bars and drink beer. Grandma has sores all over and they leak yellow stuff on the furniture. The flies are terrible.

My mom says she is almost positive this is who my Dad is. He lives in a Federal Penitentiary in Montana. When he gets out in 55 years we are gonna go fishing. The blood stains inside my Dads truck are almost all gone!

My younger sister Jill lost all her teeth. She was licking a egg beater after mom made a cake and my cousin Jimmy turned it on by accident.

We are proud of my older brother Barney. He is only 27 and all ready in the 4th grade. He wants to be a Doctor and can write his own name!

Then there’s my half brother Jim Bob and his wife. She is a hottie. They raise Possum in their back yard. They are not allowed to have children.

My older sister Sue Ellen has 15 kids and they all look different. We depend on her welfare check to get by. She has a disease that makes her itch.

Jethro is my 1st cousin. He runs a tomato stand down by the highway. He once went 53 days without taking a bath.

Buck is my second cousin. He is pretty smart. Buck is going to be a dentist some day. He does all the work on our teeth.

My sisters boyfriend for now is Larry. He fixes lawn mowers in the city. My sister says he has a hairy butt.

Michael used to be my best friend but got killed by a bus on the interstate. I still wear his underwear.

Jake is my new friend. He holds the park record. He once jumped over 7 trailers. Jake crashed alot and talks real slow now. His doctor told him to wear a helmit.

My uncle Marky is still having problems. He doesn’t know what he wants in life anymore. He is a Veitnam War hero and now sells perfume at a department store.

My step brother Phil had a hunting accident years ago. The bullet is lodged just over his right ear. It’s hard to understand him sometimes and he always stinks like rotten cheese.

That’s the END OF MUH FAMEILY!